The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Interview With…Death

In an effort to promote my latest work entitled REAPERS WITH ISSUES I’ve decided to devote the next four days to interviewing my favorite middle management employees, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

We’ll begin the first of our interviews with the man beneath the cloak. We’ll discuss what it’s like working for God, his views on intra-office politics and yes, even his love life.

Today I sit down with none other than Death himself, THE GRIM REAPER.


HE: Good morning, Grim. How was your trip to Earth?

GRIM: Fine, I suppose, considering I traveled here by bus. Wouldn’t you know I sat next to a guy who had just come from an Oktoberfest somewhere. Nothing like sitting next to a fat man with bratwurst farts.


HE: Bus?? But I thought you were one of the Four HORSEmen?

GRIM: You’re right; I am, but since God promoted Gabriel to Head of the Archangel Board our department’s equine budget has been “reallocated” south, if you know what I mean.


HE: South? Are you talking about Hell?

GRIM: Look, I don’t want to be the guy who trash talks other department heads, but between you and me let’s just say that Lucifer’s productivity doesn’t jive with the funds flowing his way. It’s good to have a big brother in high places is all I’ve got to say on the matter.


HE: Alright, moving on. What confounds you most about mortals?

GRIM: I’d have to say it’s your obsession with your appearance. A mortal’s lifespan is over in a flash, and yet you feel the need to spend your money on useless beauty procedures. If you only knew what you looked like without your skin, you wouldn’t bother. Trust me.


HE: Where is your favorite place to reap?

GRIM: Canada. The friendliest mortals come from there. The beer’s not bad either, eh?


HE: If you were mortal, what job would you want to have?

GRIM: Gloucesterman, hands down. Nothing sounds better to me than a solitary life of peace and tranquility on the sea. Plus all you can eat lobster. Hmm…pass the buttah.


HE: Has a mortal ever escaped you?

GRIM: Never. Although over the years Dick Clark has given me the slip a couple of times.


HE: What’s the most negative aspect of wearing a meat suit?

GRIM: Meat suits are extremely high maintenance. I’ve yet to find one that didn’t have something wrong with it. They’re hot, they leak and they fall apart easily. And did I mention the smell?


HE: Is it hard working for God?

GRIM: God? Uh…no, not really. I’d say the biggest problem is working for the idiots he puts in charge; namely his sons. They bicker constantly; spend money on themselves, barely show up to work and help themselves to the Heavenly budget just to name a few things. Not to mention that each one thinks he’s the boss when the Big Man’s not around. Typical family business horseshit. Oops! Sorry…horse-puckies.


HE: Is Lucifer as bad as they say?

GRIM: Only if you are a mortal. I was reaping amoebas while he was still in his Father’s good graces, so he’s not too intimidating to me. He’s sort of like a splinter, not lethal- but irritating.


HE: What do you have to say about the Mayans?

GRIM: One of Lucifer’s practical jokes. Just ignore him or he’ll keep it up.


HE: Your dream date is?

GRIM: A certain special lady, a certain Latin meat suit, and a month in the Bahamas. In fact I’m leaving on a trip there as soon as I’m finished with this interview.


HE: Beatles or Elvis?

GRIM: Coltrane.


HE: Favorite sports team?

GRIM: Anyone but the Raiders. Those a-holes don’t know when to die.


HE: Where do you see yourself in five years?

GRIM: If all goes to plan, running my department. I recently managed to cut loose some dead weight so I think things should be running smoothly once I get back from the Bahamas.


HE: What would mortals be most surprised to learn about you?

GRIM: That I have feelings just like everyone else. Being Death isn’t easy, you know. Please don’t fear me.


Thanks for stopping by and visiting with the Grim Reaper. Tune in Tuesday when we sit down with the Horseman better known as Famine, followed by Pestilence on Wednesday and War on Thursday. Stick around this weekend when we’ll be sitting down to chat with some of the upper (and lower) members of the Office of Heavenly Affairs. Until then, stay well avoid the Reaper!

12 responses

  1. Why didn’t you ask him who would win a throwdown between him and Santa?

    September 2, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    • I actually thought of that question, but decided to leave it for Santa, seeing as I have a year end interview with him. An update of his trial is coming up soon as well. Stay tuned…

      September 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

  2. TomEliasWriter

    After penning the final two books and editing RWI, I cannot wait to see the interview with War…

    September 3, 2012 at 2:47 am

    • Oh it’s a doosy, believe me.

      September 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

  3. I know this guy way too well. He hangs around at my house frequently. Not afraid of him. Just tired of having a house guest. Thanks for the interview. At least he answers your questions.

    September 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    • He is a bit of a mooch. He spent the week here eating all the Fritos and running up Pay-per-view. Could not wait to get him gone.

      September 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

  4. I think this was one of your best interviews.

    September 4, 2012 at 2:44 am

    • Why thank you very much! Death will be pleased to hear it!

      September 4, 2012 at 11:11 am

  5. More Canadian jokes, eh? Bring ’em on Sistah. We can take it. We’ll kill you with kindness.

    September 4, 2012 at 3:48 am

    • I was under the impression that Death enjoys Canada. It’s War who doesn’t like it. It’s why there aren’t many battles there. He’s also lactose intolerant, so he can’t process poutine.

      September 4, 2012 at 11:12 am

  6. Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Homeroom Edition | Guapola

    • Pingalicious!

      September 8, 2012 at 10:01 am