The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Interview With…Lucifer

In my world, Lucifer looks a lot like Colin Farrell.

Today’s REAPER WITH ISSUES interview comes to you live from scenic downtown Hell, because today we sit down with none other than the Devil himself, Lucifer.

HE: Good morning, Lucifer. You look nice today.

LUCIFER: *runs hands over Italian silk suit* Yes, yes I do. And might I say that you look lovely as well. I cannot remember the last time I saw polyester blend worn so tastefully.


HE: *sighs* How was your trip to Earth? I noticed you didn’t travel by bus the way the Horsemen did.

LUCIFER: I will admit there are certain perks to being an Archangel. The ability to apparate is one of them.


HE: That’s right…I almost forgot. You are an Angel. So does that mean you are lacking in the… “meat department” or is that just a rumor?

LUCIFER: Let me be clear- I am an Archangel and as a rule we do not have “junk” as it were. Sadly, when my Father reassigned me to Hell he equipped me with said apparatus as a punishment. His plan worked beautifully, as this particular appendage is more work than it’s worth.


HE: You’ve stated that you were “reassigned” to Hell by your Father. Is there any truth to the rumor that this demotion came from a falling out over a woman?

LUCIFER: Oh how little birds love to chirp.

HE: So, I take it you aren’t going to answer the question?

LUCIFER: My lips are sealed.


HE: Alright, moving on. What confounds you most about mortals?

LUCIFER: Your overwhelming desire to know the sexual predilections of others. The mind boggles at the effort put toward investigating the bedroom habits of your would be politicians. These same politicians then refuse to represent the rights of their constituents based on their sexual predilections. How you mortals manage to accomplish anything is beyond my comprehension.


HE: On that note, if you were mortal, what job would you want to have?

LUCIFER: Literary Agent.


HE: No explanation necessary. Tell me, is it hard working for God?

LUCIFER: Working for my Father? Oh what to say, what to say… I suppose when inspected in the proper light the idea of working for God may seem appealing, but I haven’t found that to be necessarily true.

HE: Really? In what way?

LUCIFER: The man lacks vision, for starters. The first thing I would do if I were to take over Heaven is rewrite the Bible. Too many contradictions. No wonder mortals are confused as to what is expected of them.


HE: Rewrite the Bible. Interesting. So now tell me- what do you think of the Horsemen?

LUCIFER: Ugh. You want to talk about the ponies. *sighs* So be it. Where do I begin? Pestilence is an insufferable know it all, Famine is a stickler for standards, War is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen and Grim, well…Grim has his moments.


HE: Your dream date is?

LUCIFER: Bjork. There’s a lot of pent up hostility in that frigid little body. I’d love to melt her-


HE: Got it. Pick one- Beatles or Elvis?

LUCIFER: Why the Beatles, of course. The late great Mr. Lennon sent Jesus off the deep end with one simple statement. I’ve always admired him for that.


HE: Favorite sports team?

LUCIFER: I am sad to say that I am a former fan of Tampa Bay Rays baseball. They disappointed me a few years ago. I haven’t forgotten.


HE: Where do you see yourself in five years?

LUCIFER: North Korea.


HE: What would mortals be most surprised to learn about you?

LUCIFER: I refute the claim the a fore mentioned politicians have made that I, indeed, am the entity to blame for their succumbing to their baser instincts. No such whispering into ears was committed by me or any of my demon henchmen. We simply do not have the time.

That concludes our interview with the Lord of the Underworld, Lucifer. Stay tuned tomorrow for back to back interviews with God and his golden boy, Jesus!

29 responses

  1. Hell of an interview.

    September 9, 2012 at 8:31 am

    • Damned right.

      September 9, 2012 at 9:47 am

  2. We’re gonna burn for reading this. (“Burn” reads like “bum” on my screen, which is a whole different thing, I guess)

    September 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

    • Yes, a whole different thing.

      I like to think the Lord has a sense of humor. Well, I hope he does, anyway.

      September 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

      • Well he invented the platypus, so he must have a sense of humor. And Dennis Rodman, he invented him (I’m only on my 2nd cup of coffee, so this is the best I can do this morning).

        September 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

        • That’s a good start. I personally would like to know what he was smoking when he invented testicles. Something that is capable of responding with that much pain when struck shouldn’t be located on the outside of your bodies. Just saying.

          September 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    • // இங க எதற க எங கள வ ட ட ப ப ண கள ப பற ற ய ல ல ம ந ங கள ப ச வ ண ட ம ? அதற க ன உர ம ய ய ர உங கள க க க ட த தத , மன உள ச சல க ட க க ம உத த என ற ச ல வ ர கள அந த வக ய .நல லத , ரத ன ஷ அண ண வ ன பத வ க க எத ர கர த த க க ற யதற க அவர க க ஆதரவ க ட க க ற ன ப ர வழ என ற ர த ய ல இப பட ஒர ப ன ன ட டம . த வ த ன .//I just meant it as a generalization.. I’m sorry if you have taken it the other way. I don’t mean to deeman your family.. //அவர அவர ட ய வ ட ட ப ண கள க க அந த வ த த யம க ட த த ர க க ற ர , அத த ன ப சப பட க றத இங க .// அத க ஞ சம MSP’ஷ ஆக இர க க என பத த ன ப ரச சன ய ..//ம னம உள ள ஆண மகன எவன வத தன மன வ க க ஆண மர த த வர ஏற ப ட ச ய த , தனக க உர ம ய ட ய அல லத த ன ம ட ட ம ப ர க கக க ட ய அவள ட ய ம ழ வ டல ஆண மர த த வர ப ர க க அன மத ப ப ன ? //மர த த வ த ழ லய க வலப பட த த ம ஒர statement. I request Dr.Bruno to come and answer in the right sense. Coming back to the point.. ப ர ய ர ன இந த ச யல அவர ப றந தந ள ல ப ற ற ப ப ச வ ண ட ய அளவ க க ம க க யம வ ய ந தத க படவ ல ல ..

      October 6, 2013 at 1:14 am

  3. WhitneyCarter

    I love your interviews! You always managed to capture character so well, especially considering you’re pretty much limited to dialogue.

    September 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    • Thanks! Dialogue is my comfort zone. Imagery, however, is another story all together. No one writes worse poetry than me.

      September 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

  4. I can’t believe you lobbed Lucifer such softball questions.
    It’s almost as if you expect him to be your boss one da-

    Great interview, HE.

    September 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    • My name ain’t HELLIS for nothin’.

      September 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

  5. Wearing polyester blend in hell… isn’t that redundant?
    He sure nailed us on that ‘being interested in the sex lives of others’. This accounts for a lot of our weird actions.
    This was just wicked awesome.

    September 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    • I am also of the belief that he is responsible for left-handedness. If you only knew how jacked up my life is most days. Damn right-handed chainsaws.

      September 10, 2012 at 6:04 pm

      • We all have our cross… (sorry lucifer)… to bear. I have size fifiteen feet. Shoe shopping is no fun at all.

        September 10, 2012 at 6:06 pm

        • OH…MY…GOD…

          Size fifteen?!? My foot, from the back of my heel to the tip of my big toe, is just under eight inches long- the approximate length of an unsharpened pencil. I bet I could put my foot, shoe and all, inside one of your sneakers!

          Of course, you do know what they say about men with big feet, right? They’ve got to buy big socks.

          Ba dum bum.

          September 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm

          • Well, you can’t belive everything you hear any which way… sigh…

            September 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

            • At least you can take comfort in the fact that being able to go toe to toe with Hotspur verbally means you have quite a pair.

              September 10, 2012 at 6:21 pm

              • I try to hold my own… wait, that sounded wrong… but he is a little intimidating. He can spell, for one thing. And he isn’t a computer moron.
                (My singing voice is a little better, and he can’t touch my mad Photoshop skills)

                September 10, 2012 at 6:32 pm

                • I cannot sing, play guitar, finagle software or spell. I am, however, one hell of a ten-pin bowler. Sad, really.

                  September 10, 2012 at 6:36 pm

                  • I can bowl, but only with three pins…

                    September 10, 2012 at 6:46 pm

                • (And you’re more modest than I am.)

                  September 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

                  • That is just one of my awesome, stuppendous, incredible characteristics… yay me!

                    September 10, 2012 at 7:02 pm

      • And why the hell… (ha, another lucifer reference)… was I not following you already? Now I have to try to make time to dig through your drawers… by which of course I mean all your old posts… of creative talent. But time is at a premium right now.

        September 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm

        • Hahaha…

          Type Edward Hotpsur into the search bar. You’ll find half of them there.

          September 10, 2012 at 6:23 pm

          • I found all of him there. What am I missing?

            September 10, 2012 at 6:34 pm

            • His vestigial penis.

              September 10, 2012 at 6:36 pm

              • Ouch. Remind me to never make you angry. You even sort of like and respect him. I can only imagine what you would say if you didn’t.

                September 10, 2012 at 6:47 pm

              • Yeah, I’m gonna need that back, by the way.

                Can’t you just use a computer? It’s ‘PEN IS MIGHTIER than the sword’, not ‘PENIS MIGHTIER than the sword’.

                September 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm

                • That’s the last time I hire Sigmund Freud to be my spellchecker!

                  September 10, 2012 at 9:00 pm