The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Dear Hellis – A Letter To My Fifteen Year-Old Self

I got this idea from fellow rockin’ chick Darlene at THE DAILY WOMAN. Make sure you check out her post which is witty and insightful as opposed to mine which is…well, you’ll see.

Dear Hellis,

You know how you are absolutely certain that you are going to take off to New York and become a dancer/artist/photographer after high school? Or how you are NEVER going to get married or have children, ever? Well here’s some advice I’d like to give you from the future to make your impending reality bearable.

1. Get off your high horse and date a nerd. Trust me on this.

2. Start studying for the S.A.T.s NOW.

3. Yeah, don’t get attached to all the awesome. Or to your ass, because in twenty years it is going to expand into epic proportions.

4. Your English Lit teacher is NOT correct. What you write will not forever be considered, “the sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate.”

5. Teenaged boys lie. Even the nice ones.

6. Don’t listen to your father.

7. No, your hair does NOT look cool like that.

8. George Michael is gay. Don’t waste your time.

9. What makes you popular at fifteen doesn’t mean shit when you’re forty. Grow a personality now.


For more “Dear Me” letters visit CHATTING AT THE SKY.

40 responses

  1. Oh I LIKE this! xD epic stuff .
    Btw, remember the scarf? It’s been in Syracuse for the last two weeks…. aaany day now :p .

    September 13, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    • Of course I remember the scarf! You really are too sweet, you know. 😉 In fact, I have something for you that I will be sending out soon. I’ll tell you more once I send it.

      September 15, 2012 at 5:46 pm

      • I’m sorry, you would’ve got it earlier but I had to send it with my friend, hence the delay 🙂 .

        September 16, 2012 at 1:43 am

        • Well I got it now and it is gorgeous!!! It’s starting to get cold here so I can use the scarf as an excuse to go out and buy a new jacket to match! Thank you so much again!

          September 29, 2012 at 7:21 pm

  2. Fuckin’ great. Your English lit teacher said that, huh? I had a college English Comp. teacher who made us give him a blank cassette tape because he liked to grade our stuff orally. Why he REALLY wanted to grade it orally was because he couldn’t get the sufficient level of sarcasm on paper as to how much he thought we sucked. George Michael, too funny.

    September 13, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    • I bet he took your stuff, typed it out and ripped it off as his own. He could, you know, since it’s not plagiarized since it’s not written. That sort of thing doesn’t fly anymore, but you could get away with it back then.

      Unless, of course, everyone in your class was a bonehead. Then he was just lazy.

      September 15, 2012 at 5:47 pm

      • I’ve got stuff I wrote back in country school, but absolutely nothing from college days, so it mighta been twaddle, for all I know. My English Lit teacher told me I wrote okay, and my Shakespeare prof told me I couldn’t turn in a paper a week late but gave me a C anyway. Back then, I’da put two pages of the annotated Shakespeare and a joint up against any sleeping pill in the world.

        September 15, 2012 at 6:35 pm

        • I absolutely loved Shakespeare when I was in school. That is until I read THE RAPE OF LUCRECE and then…not so much.

          September 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

  3. WSW

    George Michael is GAY?! Well thank heaven we still have Tom Cruise….

    September 13, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    • Sadly, I don’t date anyone shorter than me.

      This is really only funny if you know that I am 4’11”

      September 15, 2012 at 5:57 pm

      • WSW

        And now you’re telling me Tom is SHORT? Thanks, Heidi.

        September 15, 2012 at 6:59 pm

        • Not short so much as he’s…

          Fuck it. The dude’s short.

          September 15, 2012 at 7:03 pm

          • WSW

            Well of course he’s crazy, but that never stopped me. If memory serves.

            September 15, 2012 at 8:27 pm

  4. Ha! I freaking love it. 1987 was the best and worst year of my freaking life!!! Love your Dear Me letter. Truly awesome!

    September 13, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    • Isn’t it funny how the best and worst years are always the same? Mine was 1991. Go figure.

      September 15, 2012 at 5:58 pm

  5. Pingback: Letter To My Nerdy-Ass 15-Year-Old Self | Trailertrashdeluxe's Blog

    • Don’t be. I read it, and it was amazing. You really have accomplished more than you may think.

      September 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

  6. TomEliasWriter

    This is cool. If I had a decent sense of humor, I’d do one of these as well. Oh, and didn’t have so much regrettable history to warn myself about.

    September 14, 2012 at 1:43 am

    • Sigh…

      If I only knew you back then.

      September 15, 2012 at 6:00 pm

      • TomEliasWriter

        Perhaps, but you’re stuck with the me as I am now. Scary.

        September 15, 2012 at 10:41 pm

  7. Love it. Date a nerd. That is good advice. Also, at least once in life, date a guy who can play guitar… just trust me on this. You will not regret it.

    September 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

    • I never dated a guy who could play guitar. My ex is a bass player, but that doesn’t count. So what do you call a hot chick on bassist’s arm?

      A tattoo!

      He hates that joke.

      September 15, 2012 at 6:13 pm

  8. Since it is always only about me . . . At this time in 1987 I was in Vancouver, B. C. on my way to living in Seattle, WA. I had left LA (where I’d lived since 1975) and spent the summer in SE Idaho. So, while you were contemplating adolescence, I was a grown man trying to establish a new life built on failures, hard learning, and facing mortality after seeing other men succumb to HIV/AIDS.

    I was 15 in 1967 and it was one of the best years of my life. That was the Summer of Love year. My turntable played “Sgt. Pepper’s” until the grooves wore out. I was able to attend the Monterey Pop Festival and I was still fairly carefree. Life in the Mother Lode area of California was pretty good despite my dysfunctional family.

    I don’t know what I’d tell that kid today. Probably this: accept you’re gay earlier, find your passion and stick to it doggedly regardless of other people’s opinions, once you split to Europe to escape the draft–stay there!

    Thank goodness I never had a crush on George Michael!

    September 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    • So…when is your autobiography coming out? I for one would love to read it! I see Tom Hanks playing you in the movie version.

      September 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

  9. My 15-year-old self – get a different haircut, shave more, move to alternative music and away from hair metal quicker – but you know that cute 17-year-old lifeguard you’re dating now? Yeah, she’s going to be your son’s teacher when you’re older, and you’ll see her again at a conference, and she won’t remember you – so clearly you didn’t leave an impression.

    September 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    • Shave more? AT FIFTEEN? Good Lord, man! Just how hairy are you?

      September 15, 2012 at 6:54 pm

      • Hairy enough to shave my face….. (?)

        September 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  10. Hope you sent a copy of GOA and RWI o the teacher in question, along with a “thanks for the motivation” letter.

    I wouldn’t be me without the foolishness of my younger self. So yeah, there’s some advice I’d give, but at this point, I guess I’ll just have to let it ride…

    September 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    • We like you just the way you are so don’t change a thing!

      As much as I hate to admit it, I applied a lot of what I learned in his class to writing GOA. He was a good writer/teacher, but he had no sense of humor.

      September 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm

  11. Ha, ha, ha

    September 15, 2012 at 12:44 am

    • Yes, my life is an amusement. 😉

      September 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      • She is just gorgeous with the glseass! Very chic! I think I will illustrate her and email you an image on your email so you can give it to her from me as a gift! She is just lovely! Let me know if this is ok with you!

        October 6, 2013 at 5:30 am

  12. I think a good note to your younger self is always: Don’t put that in your mouth, it will not taste good and you will be pestered to do it for the rest of your life! ahaha.

    September 15, 2012 at 12:08 pm


      September 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

  13. I tried my hand at a letter to myself

    September 23, 2012 at 8:16 am


      September 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

  14. Pingback: dear Me « Sightsnbytes' Blog

  15. kat

    Ah, yes. Number 7. I think everyone’s letter to their past self will include a number 7.

    And George Michael . . . snicker . . . Wham! should’ve been a big clue.

    September 29, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    • Number Seven for me was when I was in my Kate Bush WUTHERING HEIGHTS phase.

      In high school I was the shy, pretty, artsy girl who took her best guy-friend to the prom who she was secretly in love with because he was a gentleman who treated her with respect and who didn’t paw her like all the date-rapey jocks did and had absolutely no clue whatsoever that he was gay.

      Sort of explains George Michael, doesn’t it?

      September 29, 2012 at 7:09 pm