The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

F*cked Up Fairy Tales

F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES is a compilation project for bloggers who wish to take up the challenge of writing their own spin on a classic fairy tale. Bloggers are invited to choose one of the tales below and leave their choice in the comments. Only one tale per blogger, please. I will update the list as soon as the choices roll in. Tales are assigned on a first come, first choose basis.

Each tale is to be no more than 5000 words in length, and can be as funny, sick, twisted, erotic or vanilla as you wish. Once your tale is finished feel free to email it back to me where I will run it in a feature post as well add it to the page above. When all the tales are complete, I will work with a publishing company who is volunteering to publish the compilation of works in both ebook and paperback formats. All proceeds from the compiled works will be donated to a participating charity, with sales records made available to contributors annually.


106 responses

  1. Okay, I don’t want to steal an obvious one from folks who could do it at least as well as me, but I really want Cinderella, I mean I want to fit her like a glass slipper, or would that be her fitting me like a glass slipper. Whichever, I think it’d be a fit. Thank you, thank you very much.

    September 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    • You got it! ๐Ÿ™‚ I cannot WAIT to see what you do to- er, I mean, “with” her.

      September 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm

  2. TomEliasWriter

    Beauty and the Beast, please. You do know Beauty will be a 4’11” brunette… right?

    September 15, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    • Naturally. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      September 15, 2012 at 10:38 pm

  3. Colton

    Greetings H.E. Ellis. Remember me from the Ancient Times? ๐Ÿ˜‰ It is I, the Elite of Just All Right! New blog, real name! ๐Ÿ˜€

    In any case, may I claim the tales of Aladdin for my very own?

    September 15, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    • YES!!!!! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN??? I’m so happy you’re back!!!

      September 15, 2012 at 11:08 pm

      • Colton

        Haha I never really left! I just took an “extended hiatus” when I started college. It’s been a hell of a year haha.

        September 16, 2012 at 8:07 am

        • I bet it has! Drop me a line: heellisgoa (at) gmail (dot) com

          September 16, 2012 at 6:15 pm

          • The Elite of Just Alright

            Already done!

            September 18, 2012 at 7:13 pm

            • WITH THE STORY???? Dude, send it!!!

              September 18, 2012 at 7:14 pm

              • The Elite of Just Alright

                Well I meant as in “Already Done,” I sent you an email haha.

                September 18, 2012 at 7:29 pm

  4. storyofalice

    I would love to rewrite The Little Mermaid. Thank you!!

    September 15, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    • You got it!

      September 15, 2012 at 11:31 pm

  5. Oh, crap… I was gonna have the little mermaid end up on a platter at Long John Silver’s… is the Three Little Pigs taken?

    September 16, 2012 at 12:49 am

    • You’ve got the THREE LITTLE PIGS. Now don’t eat them!

      September 16, 2012 at 6:31 am

      • So what do I do exactly?

        September 16, 2012 at 9:50 am

        • You rewrite THE THREE LITTLE PIGS anyway you want to. Think Fractured Fairy Tales cartoons from when we were kids. Although, you can make yours naughty if you so choose. I’d like to keep each story under 5000 words since I am compiling the stories into one larger work. Twenty stories at 5000 words a piece is 100,000 words which is approximately a 350 page book.

          September 16, 2012 at 9:56 am

          • So do I write it here, and then you just grab it?

            September 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

            • You write it and then email it to me. I will feature each one in it’s own post and then permanently add it to the Fairy Tales page above. Once they are all in I will make a giant ebook and possibly a paperback to sell. All profits go to charity. I am hoping to get them all in by spring of next year.

              September 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

              • Oh, so we have a while. This isn’t just a rush job for giggles…

                September 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

                • Take as little or as much time as you need. I’ll post them as they come in, but if it takes a while that’s fine too. I would just like to have books available for summer reading if possible which is the reason for the spring 2013 deadline.

                  September 16, 2012 at 2:50 pm

                  • I will see what I can do. Thanks.

                    September 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

                    • Ooohh…you could set yours to music like a wandering minstrel!

                      September 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

                    • Three singing pigs… in a rock band… called Heavy Porkers…

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

                    • YES!!!

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

                    • And the wolf is some record label corporate stooge in a shiny suit. Now I am giving it all away, but I just made that up. It sounds promising.

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

                    • I am completely hooked!

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

                    • Not as much as you would be if I got the Mermaid story…(see what I did there?)

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

                    • Yup. You reeled me right in. Fell hook, line and sinker.

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

                    • Seems a little fishy to me, but I work for scale.

                      September 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

                    • That was offal.

                      September 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm

                    • I know, it took a lot of guts… ha!

                      September 16, 2012 at 5:20 pm

                    • Go fish.

                      September 16, 2012 at 5:30 pm

  6. Madame Weebles

    Oh! Oh! Can I get in on this too?? I’m not sure which fairy tale to choose, though, I have to think about it.

    September 16, 2012 at 1:10 am

  7. Madame Weebles

    Okay, I’ve decided–I’d like Hansel & Gretel please!

    September 16, 2012 at 1:14 am

    • I’ve got you down for Hansel and Gretel. Have fun!

      September 16, 2012 at 6:31 am

  8. Little red riding hood? hmmm….
    Also, is eternity an acceptable time frame? My assignments tend to be done usually between then and ….. when I find the word I’m looking for ……

    September 16, 2012 at 7:30 am

    • I know exactly what you mean. I was hoping to make a deadline of Spring of 2013. Is that enough time? I would love for you to participate.

      September 16, 2012 at 7:39 am

      • Oh, that’s brilliant! ๐Ÿ˜€ Yesyesyes I’m in . Little red riding hood it is.

        September 17, 2012 at 1:46 am

  9. Okay, this sounds like a pretty damned nifty idea, particularly the charity part.

    Since I can’t turn Pinocchio into a cyborg killing machine, I’m thinking I can do something with Peter Pan. Do they have strip clubs in Neverland?

    September 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

    • They do now, buddy! Peter Pan and the Neverland Gentlemen’s Club officially belongs to Dayton!!!

      September 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

      • Watch your daughters, moms. Peter and the Lost Boys are gonna hit it and quit it!

        September 16, 2012 at 10:44 am


          September 16, 2012 at 10:58 am

  10. Reblogged this on The Fog of Ward. and commented:
    Looking for an interesting writing exercise, and a chance to do something nice for charity? Boom. Here you go.

    September 16, 2012 at 10:43 am

  11. I’d like a shot at Cinderella, pretty please??

    September 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    • Cinderella’s taken, but I’ve got Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty- how’s that?

      September 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

      • I’ll take Sleeping Beauty…hmmm….

        September 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

        • Yay! Kayjai’s on board! It’s not “F*CKED” Up if you’re not involved! I’ve got you down for Sleeping Beauty.

          Hey, if we make this into an audiobook, I think we should have Samuel L. Jackson record your story.

          “Shut the fuck up and get yo ass to sleep!”

          September 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

          • I Love that guy!!! Now…I have some writin’ to do…..

            September 16, 2012 at 2:54 pm

            • As Gingersnaap would say, “SA-WEET!”

              September 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

          • “Yo, Prince Phillip. Make yourself useful and hand me that sword over there. The one with ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ etched into the blade.”

            September 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm


              September 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

  12. I claim the Emporor’s New Clothes! Who can write about naked people better than me?!

    September 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    • Absolutely no one, that’s who! Sparklebumps does the Emperor! Wow…that just sounds like bad porn.

      September 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      • But in the next installment, I claim “The Red Shoes.” So there. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        September 16, 2012 at 9:46 pm

        • If there is a “Volume II,” I call dibs on Pinocchio, Cyborg Assassin And His Ever-Lengthening Member of Deceit and Doom.

          September 16, 2012 at 10:24 pm

        • Go ahead and write it if you want to! I’ll include it. I’ll simply split the book into two editions. I would love to read what you do with the Red Shoes. Don’t worry about being too “Sparkly” either. I am making it known that this is a fairy tale book for grown-ups.

          September 17, 2012 at 4:44 am

          • That goes for you too, Dayton. Pinocchio as a cyborg- the mind boggles.

            September 17, 2012 at 4:45 am

        • That’s a brilliant answer to an intieestrng question

          April 24, 2014 at 8:03 pm

  13. I will do … Only joking, you internet flirt ๐Ÿ˜‰

    September 16, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    • Ha! I can’t wait to read what you do with one single girl shacking up with seven lonely men.

      September 16, 2012 at 5:17 pm

      • You have no clue ahaha!

        September 17, 2012 at 5:15 am

        • This is gonna be awesome! I am so excited!

          September 17, 2012 at 5:20 am

          • I was writing some yesterday but got distracted by one mini Ellis ๐Ÿ˜‰ She is such a sweetie!

            September 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

            • Don’t let her fool you- she’s pure Hellispawn.

              September 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

              • BACK OFF! She is my Hellispawn now. She wants to come to England. Then she shall be mine. then she shall be my Hellispawn. Then she shall MegaHellispawn MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

                September 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

                • And that children is why Red Bull before bed is not a good idea!

                  September 17, 2012 at 5:17 pm

                • MEGAHELLISPAWN!!!! BUAHAHAHA!!!!!

                  September 17, 2012 at 5:23 pm

                  • Put the coffee down and step away from the table! Don’t make me shoot!!

                    September 17, 2012 at 5:25 pm

                    • I TOLD YOU I’D SHOOT! WHY DIDN’T YOU BELIEVE ME?!

                      September 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

                    • BLOOD, FUCK, BLOOD. THUD!!

                      September 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

        • A simple 60s thorey: universal education beyond puberty and co-ed higher-education created a protected bubble, naturally hostile to the existing order, that amplified radicals. Why study hard when you can impress the girls with direct action? “Hey, baby, when I take over it can all be yours!”. If governments had been able to assert physical authority they could probably have easily countered this, but television, women with the vote, and the needs of Cold War propaganda made blatent displays of any force unthinkable and counter-productive. Thus the power of the demonstration. (Except in Latin America, where they established the civilized protcol of a weekly riot on campus, but with rioting students being fair game off campus…)One way to think about 60s causes is to think about what ended the 60s. I saw a book somewhere that I can, alas, no longer remember, that claimed that in the US it was the Ohio National Guard opening fire at Kent State and, in Berkeley, the Alameda County Sheriff’s office finally being legally unleashed from the restrictions placed by the Berkeley city governement fellow travellers. The sheriffs apparently had a long history of putting down longshoremans strikes in Oakland and simply walked down the street in lines abreast firing shotguns filled with rocksalt. The bubble was no longer protected, things could get dangerous. The end of the draft and the Vietnam wind-down were also underway, so why bother with the risky stuff?

          October 5, 2013 at 7:27 am

  14. Alex, I’ll take ‘Rapunzel” for $800, please.

    September 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    • The question is, “Who can write a sincerely twisted story about a chick with too much hair?”

      September 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      • TomEliasWriter

        Ahem. Forgot that conversation already?

        September 16, 2012 at 10:21 pm

        • OH MY GOD!

          September 17, 2012 at 4:46 am

          • TomEliasWriter

            I will take that as a, “Why Tom, I certainly did forget that conversation.”

            September 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

  15. talker96

    Ok, I’m back…..let’s see….can I have Jack and the Beanstalk? I haven’t started to read the comments below so I don’t know if its assigned yet but considering I’ve been really busy with my book (just finished) and how much I know you missed me, can I get Jacks giant stalk? If not, can I get something, anything?

    September 17, 2012 at 3:53 am


      Tell me all about the book! I want to hear everything! heellisgoa (at) gmail (dot) com.

      September 17, 2012 at 4:47 am

  16. Is the Ugly duckling still available? I’d like to do a play on that.

    September 17, 2012 at 5:04 am

    • It’s taken, but there is Thumbelina! I had initially thought of doing that one myself, but writing about a tiny girl avoiding handsy creeps hits wayyy too close to home for me.

      September 17, 2012 at 5:10 am

      • I can do thumbelina i was considering that one. okies.

        September 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

        • Thumbelina got snatched up (snicker) but I’ve got THE SNOW QUEEN or PRINCESS AND THE PEA.

          September 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

          • The princess and the pea is good, if someone took that then I’ll do the fox and the grapes or the little mermaid, you pick one.

            September 18, 2012 at 11:40 pm


              September 19, 2012 at 10:05 am

  17. thank god I got here too late. I don’t know the one remaining, but I can’t wait to see the appalling hilarity the rest of you crank out.

    HE – Let me know if you need an extra pair of hands or anything setting up the books.
    Though you probably have it down pretty tight by now.

    September 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    • NO!!! You need to do PUSS IN BOOTS! PUT HIM IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT! I added THE RED SHOES and PINOCCHIO for others so you can write that one!

      September 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

      • Ok, as long as we’re both aware that there is no way this will end well…

        September 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

        • You, El Guapo are the least of my worries. HR Nightmare is slated to write THE GINGERBREAD MAN- a story about a man who eludes capture only to die in the mouth of a fox. Yeah.

          September 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

          • this is what the typing of someone choking on dietcokewh ile laughig looks like

            September 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

            • I am so glad you clarified WHAT you where choking on… oh come on people get your minds out of the gutter I was thinking of a bottle cap.

              September 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

  18. You should know that I struggle with motivation… but if you are serious that the deadline isn’t until Spring, I’d love to write a fucked up fairy tale. Which ones are still left?

    September 18, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    • Yup. Spring 2013, just in time to make it a summer read. I’ve got THE THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF and possibly THE SNOW QUEEN, but I’ll have to check on that one.

      September 18, 2012 at 5:51 pm

  19. I know its probably too late but I’ll throw it in anyway… The Ant and the Grasshopper

    September 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    • It’s not too late- THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER IS YOURS! ๐Ÿ™‚

      September 24, 2012 at 5:46 pm

      • awesome, thank you. And thank you pouringmyartout… I wouldn’t have seen it or done it if it weren’t for your participation, awesomesauceness, and great play on Three Little Pigs…

        September 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

        • Yay! My uber peppy cheerleaderness has paid off! See PMAO? I told you it would be awesome!

          September 24, 2012 at 6:02 pm

  20. I am sad I missed this.

    September 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    • If you can think of a fairy tale or fable I’ve missed and can write a version of it that’s 5000 words or less before spring 2013 then you didn’t miss anything. ๐Ÿ™‚

      September 26, 2012 at 8:01 pm

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  25. Balls…I had an idea for Rapunzel but I see either you or GingerSnaap has it; and do not Colton and Storyofalice have Aladdin and Mermaid respectively? Not that I’m questioning your system…

    August 4, 2013 at 10:43 pm