The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate




North Pole – The North Pole District Attorney announced today that his office would continue to pursue the prosecution of Santa Claus in spite of a new setback to Claus as his attorney, Jose Baez, removed himself from the growing Claus case after a successful appeal in the Pole Court.

Santa Claus, arraigned on a host of charges ranging from workplace safety violations and fraud, to prostitution and drug possession, now faces an uncertain future with a court-appointed advocate.

“I know this appears to be an abandonment of a major and beloved public figure, but I cannot in good conscience continue to represent Mr. Claus,” Baez said in a prepared press release yesterday.

When asked for a response, the DA merely said to reporters, “Mr. Baez’ statement says it all.”

Recent developments, however, have also added to the workload of the NPDA and his staff. In a heated court exchange last week, the DA was arguing for an injunction against Gloria Allred, the surprise attorney for Mrs. Claus in the concurrent and bitter divorce proceedings associated with this case. The DA requested the injunction due to the administrative burden Ms. Allred is apparently creating for the entire staff.

An unnamed source close to the DA, on the condition of anonymity, provided voice recordings, allegedly of the DA, stating, “If that bitch cries on the courthouse steps one more time, I’m going to personally rip out her uterus with salad tongs.”

In response, a representative for Ms. Allred stated that she would not stoop to the levels implied by that leak, but was very hurt by the implication that she even had reproductive organs.

Sources in the local legal community speculated that the DA is in fact overwhelmed with media requests and related issues.

“We just don’t get this kind of circus up here,” said one lawyer when asked about the issue, who went on to point out that the prior week was the break point for the DA’s Staff, which featured daily press conferences by Allred, as well as an appearance by Reverend Al Sharpton, who stood with Santa Claus after a prayer for justice.

“This is yet another example of the Establishment using its power in racist ways,” Sharpton said. “Santa Claus is a victim of racism, and we stand with him in his time of need. He is a brother, no matter white he is.”

The Sharpton rally soon turned violent, elevating this sleepy town to global attention, and the North Pole is now the growing focus of an Occupy rally, adding to the confusion here.

In light of all this publicity, one judge on the North Pole Circuit did say for the record, “The sooner this mess is over with, the better.”








26 responses

  1. Le Clown

    H.E. Ellis,
    It’s when I read posts like yours that I am happy I do not believe in Santa Claus. I saved myself from another disappointment.
    Le Clown

    September 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    • Wait…YOU don’t believe in Santa?!?! *sniffle*

      September 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm

      • Le Clown

        H.E. Ellis,
        I asked for a baby boy, and he gave me the spawn of hell in the shape of a cute baby girl with blue eyes.
        Le Clown

        September 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

        • Oh man…you are screwed.

          September 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

          • Le Clown

            H.E. Ellis,
            I guess I should also say that I enjoyed your piece. Wanker.
            Le Clown

            September 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm

            • You say that to all the boys.

              September 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm

              • Le Clown

                Sorry boy, no. I say this to men.
                Le Clown

                September 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

                • Sacred blue. Le mauvais qui est le mien. I must have misunderstood your prayer for a boy.

                  September 17, 2012 at 7:39 pm

                  • Le Clown

                    Ton QWERTY te supplie de cesser d’écrire en français… Tout comme mes yeux.
                    Le Clown

                    September 17, 2012 at 7:41 pm

  2. It’s like the two of you are communicating somehow….

    September 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

  3. I just hope Al Sharpton doesn’t try to style Santa’s hair. That greasy stuff he puts in his hair would really look terrible on Mr. Claus.

    September 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    • He already did. Why do you think Santa wears that hat?

      September 17, 2012 at 9:22 pm

      • Hmm. I hadn’t thought about that. That poor bastard.

        September 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

        • To make matters worse, his outfit was designed by Project Runway rejects. Sad, sad…

          September 17, 2012 at 9:26 pm

          • Now that really IS sad. We need to send Tim Gunn to work with him. A Santa with a slimmer silhouette, maybe a goatee, and a fashionable red suit. THAT would be pimpin’.

            September 17, 2012 at 9:35 pm

  4. I’ve always loved these Santa posts of yours!

    September 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    • Thanks! Stick around this New Years Eve when l let the world know who wrote them!

      September 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

  5. We have to wait until new years??? If I must.

    September 17, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    • Yes, I am making everyone wait for the big reveal of who all these interview authors are!

      September 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm

      • The ones I’ve read have been good.

        September 18, 2012 at 10:30 pm

  6. Let’s put it this way: If Mrs. Claus can cough up presents as usual at Christmas, fine. If not, I’m for the Old Guy. Remember, the bottom line is everything in America.

    And I thought everyone knew Gloria Allred was devoid of reproductive organs. Sans heart, too.

    September 17, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    • That “salad tongs” line was way wrong. I don’t know whose sick mind comes up with these things.

      September 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

      • TomEliasWriter

        Wronger than wrong.

        September 19, 2012 at 6:06 am

  7. Someone better call Hannukah Harry. He’s gonna be extra busy this winter.
    And get him off the Manischewitz before you give him the sleigh reins!!!

    September 18, 2012 at 9:28 am

    • I’m willing to bet we’ll hear from Hannukah Harry before the year is out. 😉

      September 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

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