The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Early Bird Catches The SPaM

Even though I’ve been taking a break from SPaM in order to write the REAPERS WITH ISSUES series, I had to come back today in order to introduce to you all someone truly special. For those of you out there who may not know, there is a rockin’ chick among us who is somewhat new to blogworld. I’ll let her About Me page speak for itself:

Essa Alroc is an Orlando, Florida based freelance writer who published works include “The Blurb About Freshness on the Back of Your Deodorant” and “Understanding Your Utah 529 Plan”. When she’s not at work, fantasizing about setting her cubicle on fire, she is working on her first full length novel.  It is not about deodorant or financial aid plans.

With blog posts entitled TEN WAYS TO GET FIRED or HOW NOT TO KILL YOUR HUSBAND one can’t help but wonder what goes on in the mind of Essa Alroc.

1. Your writing style is edgy, to say the least. What influences do you attribute to forming your particular writing style?

I was born and raised on heavy sarcasm and using humor in the place of emotions. My life’s motto is if your going to bitch about something, at least make it funny. That way people will actually listen.  When I was growing up, I was an overweight kid with bad teeth, who wore my brothers hand me downs. If it wasn’t for my incredible ability to hurt someone’s feelings, I would have made one hell of a target. Luckily for me, the weight came off, the teeth got fixed with braces, but I never lost the ability to come up with some seriously scathing commentary.  I also still wear my brothers hand me downs.

2. You live and write in Florida. How does living in the south influence what you write?

Florida both fascinates and horrifies me. I have a theory that something to do with the heat makes the people here crazy and violent. What I like about this state is that things that would be ridiculous anywhere else seem normal in Florida. I draw on a lot of my experiences here for both my fiction and non fiction work and I never seem to run out of things I write about it. What I dislike about Florida is all the rapes and murders…and lack of Jack in the Boxes. I miss their curly fries.

3. Your page MAKE ME YOUR BITCH speaks to your ability to write for hire. How does writing for someone else’s project differ from writing your own, and what can someone expect in the way of services?

My first love is humor writing, but in today’s market, it’s not a viable career option. Luckily, thanks to the plethora of jobs I’ve had, I’m able to write about a large range of subjects and still make them readable (and g-rated). My goal when I’m writing someone’s page is to get them SEO hits and at the same time, give value to the reader who was searching for their page in the first place. When someone types a query into a search engine, they’re not looking to get sold something. They’re looking for an answer to their question. My goal is to answer that question and still make my clients page come out on top. At the same time, I have to keep it free of my personal opinion and four letter words. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I’m writing an article about medical marijuana. Sometimes, it’s impossible, like when I’m trying to come up with 10 things I like about Mitt Romney. Number 1 was his hair.

4. Tell us about STRANGELY SOBER.

Strangely Sober was a novel born of frustration. Frankly, I was tired of reading about unworldly heroines who need the hero to show them how things are done. I’m not like that, and I don’t think most women are like that. Having a vagina doesn’t make me a bumbling, clumsy, insecure mess who can’t handle life on her own.  I’ve lived a full life and I think a lot of people have. I created my protagonist, Angelica Salvatori, AKA Sal, because of that. She drinks too much. She smokes too much. She lives everyday like zombie apocalypse is right around the corner.  She adapts and re adjusts as necessary. Personally, I think that’s what life is all about.

5. Tell us about ASYMMETRIC ANGELS.

I wrote Asymmetric because I didn’t feel ready to let go of Sal. There were some loose ends to tie up from the first novel and I didn’t think her story was over yet.  Asymmetric has been a challenge to write, because it’s got some strong religions undertones in it, despite the fact that I am not remotely religious. It’s a sequel to my first novel and its where my heroine, Sal, tries to create a shaky opinion on faith and at the same time, tries to adapt to a world that is constantly changing for her. Asymmetric is a novel about getting to know yourself. It also has explosions, a high body count and a recurring Gary Busey hallucination. Can’t disappoint my readers while I’m trying to be artsy.

6. How does blogging effect writing, if at all?

Blogging is a release for me. Its entertainment writing in its highest form. I don’t use my webpage in my portfolio, because it’s my hobby. I don’t allow marketing on it, and even my own marketing blurb for my business is kind of a joke. I don’t want my readers distracted by ads. I want them to laugh. I don’t censor myself and I don’t want to do that for a sponsor. All my blogs are born out of an everyday experience that can be made ridiculous using the right words. The world is a ridiculous place, and the ability to laugh at that ridiculousness makes us powerful.  I laugh at the Westborough Baptist Church, the economic crisis and child prostitution because I understand the power of humor. I go by the lessons I’ve learned from George Carlin and Richard Prior. ANY topic can be made funny when given the right delivery. That approach makes me fearless in my writing.

7. What have you learned most from writing your novel?

Be prepared for change. When I originally wrote ‘Strangely’, it was called ‘Unforgettable’ and it was written about a schoolteacher with eidetic memory. Two days before I released it, NBC released a show called “Unforgettable”, about a cop with eidetic memory. Instead of releasing it anyway, or trashing the whole series, I adapted it, changed it, until it was a completely different novel. Now, I’m glad that happened, because ‘Strangely” is about 10000 times better than what it was originally.

8. What advice would you give other would-be novelists?

Put your novel away for 6 weeks after you finish it and then read it again. It’s like being a first time reader. Maybe you realize your novel is, in fact, genius. Maybe you realize its crap. Maybe NBC puts out yet another shitty crime drama show and you have to start all over. Either way, you’ll be glad you did it.

9. Who are your favorite authors?

I love Jacqueline Susann, because she made trash literary genius. Read “Valley of the Dolls” closely and you realize that Neely O’Hara is Scarlett O’Hara. I love Piers Anthony because he makes sci-fi/fantasy a commentary on politics that hasn’t been met since Orwell’s “1984”. Finally, I love Tim Dorsey because he writes about Florida with tongue in cheek humor that delivers both admiration and disdain for this wild and crazy state. If Serge Storms were real, I would totally be stalking him.

10. Where do you see your next project taking you?

Well, the final book in the bar series, Gio’s Gift, is already breaking my heart because I’m murdering off a character I’ve grown very attached too. After I’ve uncurled myself from my sobbing emo ball, I’ll be working on something I’m calling the Dark/Light series, which I’m hoping comes to par with some of Anthony’s more political novels. It will be my first foray into science fiction and is loosely based on Nietzsche assertion that God is dead. Personally, I don’t think God is dead. I think he’s a sandwich artist at Subway…at least, he will be in my book. I hope eventually to make enough from my humor and fiction projects to focus on them full time. I think as long as I keep typing away and putting my best literary foot forward, it will happen.

Or I’ll wind up a sandwich artist at Subway.


42 responses

  1. Le Clown

    H.E. Ellis,
    Funny. Anyway, on to serious stuff. Can you explain to me who is Essa on Everything? Again, I am new to your blog… Is it you? Another you?
    Le Clown

    September 27, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    • Let me put this into a language you can understand:

      Le Clown, vous êtes un âne futé.

      That’s what Google translate says. I thought for sure it would be tu vais, but what do I know? I speak Italian.

      September 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm

      • Le Clown

        H.E. Ellis,
        Great to have a face on you, I shall download my free copy of you work, and follow you everywhere on the interwebs, my dear friend.
        Le Clown

        September 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

        • Haven’t you figured out yet that it’s EDWARD HOTSPUR and I who are the same person?

          September 27, 2012 at 6:05 pm

          • Le Clown

            H.E. Ellis,
            You lack the arrogance.
            Le Clown

            September 27, 2012 at 6:06 pm

            • And the penis. Don’t forget the penis.

              September 27, 2012 at 6:07 pm

              • Le Clown

                H.E. Ellis,
                Thank you. You’re right. He is a dick.
                Le Clown

                September 27, 2012 at 6:08 pm

                • Now THAT’S funny!

                  September 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm

                  • Is someone talking about my penis again? What is it about you Easterners and my penis? You should get your own time zone like Newfoundland. It would go, from west to east, Pacific Standard Time, Mountain Standard Time, Central Standard Time, Eastern Standard Time, Hotspur’s Penis Time, Newfie Standard Time, and then on to Greenwich and so forth.

                    September 27, 2012 at 9:41 pm

                    • ANYWAY, don’t let my penis distract you from the point of this post: Essa. Book downloaded, first 20 pages read, though to be honest, that’s 20 pages on a Droid 3 with Kindle app (i.e., her book will be about 2200 pages long).

                      September 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm

                    • I’m sorry, what were you talking about? I was distracted by your penis.

                      September 29, 2012 at 7:14 pm

                    • I don’t remember. I was distracted by my penis.

                      Hey, did you hear about me and Blogger Idol?

                      September 29, 2012 at 8:00 pm

                    • No, I didn’t. Should I tune in to Maury tomorrow?

                      September 29, 2012 at 8:11 pm

                    • No. I’m out.

                      September 29, 2012 at 8:14 pm

                    • WTF?????

                      September 29, 2012 at 8:26 pm

                    • Yup. Out.

                      September 29, 2012 at 9:21 pm

                    • Well they are stupidheads and they suck.

                      September 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

                    • Forget the Idol thing. Back to Essa. Essa’s got a good book.

                      September 29, 2012 at 10:06 pm

                    • And a good blog.:)

                      September 29, 2012 at 10:46 pm

  2. WSW

    I’ve been reading Essa for a while. Thanks for shining the spotlight on her. Like you, she is truly fearless.

    September 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    • She is the very definition of awesome. 🙂

      September 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm

  3. essaalroc

    yay! my first interview that had nothing to do with an ‘ongoing investigation’!

    September 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    • Yay! You are in good company in my little corner of blogworld. All the women bloggers I follow are strong like yourself, and there isn’t an Edward Cullen among the men, either. It’s a good group.

      September 27, 2012 at 6:03 pm

      • There is a Team Edward, though!

        (Did you just call all the guys weak?)

        September 29, 2012 at 8:15 pm

        • No, I said you all were the opposite of whiny, insipid, date-rapists who are prone to epic fits of douchebaggery.

          September 29, 2012 at 9:29 pm

  4. Open up your heart and let the fat, meaty chunks of spam rain upon your subjects…

    September 27, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    • Oh my God that is gross.

      September 27, 2012 at 6:04 pm

      • He started it.

        September 27, 2012 at 6:52 pm

        • I was once told by a Hawaiian that they have a saying on their island- something to the effect of it “raining” Spam to reference their culture’s particular love of the cubed meat.

          Well I don’t think that’s Spam at all. I think the volcanos are spewing chunks of sacrificial Hawaiians out their blowholes. So in other words, Hawaii rains Hawaiians.

          Spam is people.

          September 27, 2012 at 7:01 pm

          • The guy who did the Soylent Green screenplay lived across the street from my mom.
            Spam is a delicacy in many south sea island cultures. Which sort of makes you wonder about the definition of culture…

            September 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm

            • Across the street? I hope you didn’t see him digging through your trash as a kid.

              I can’t talk much about food- I grew up on escargot and calamari. People who live in glass cultures and such.

              September 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm

              • mmmmm snails… the food that proves you can eat anything if you put enough garlic and butter on it.

                September 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm

  5. essaalroc

    I just wanted to come back and thank everyone who downloaded my book on my free day. I had the most successful giveaway I’ve ever had, with more than 5000 copies downloaded, which led to my most successful sales day yet (currently top 100 in Humor genre on Amazon and hoping I stay there for awhile). A special thanks to H.E for shining the spot light on my blog and book. I doubt I would have done half as well without you.

    September 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    • This is exactly the kind of thing I live for, Essa. In one comment you’ve managed to hit both my perpetual cheerleader and full-time coach buttons which makes me pleased and so very happy for you.

      You are a great writer who deserves all the great things that are to come your way, of which I am sure there will be many!

      September 29, 2012 at 7:13 pm

  6. I was out of my country, and out of my mind, when all this awesomesauceness was going on. Gotta catch up. Hi, Essa!

    October 1, 2012 at 3:35 am

    • essaalroc

      Hello! Welcome back and nice to meet you.

      October 1, 2012 at 4:24 pm

  7. Great post! By the way, do you have any advice for a starving author who knows beans about marketing?
    I could really use your help…

    October 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

  8. Pingback: New Feature: The Slattern’s Mind Probe « The Kitchen Slattern Speaks

  9. Pingback: Supernatural Tire Flipping Tribute For Hellis Birthday | sandylikebeach

  10. Go



    I HAVE HIJACKED THIS PAGE…and soon as my online gamer buddies log in..maybe we will just shut down this glory hole she calls a Blog!

    Dumb egomaniac!

    November 25, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    • Aww…why so angry, Patches? (I’m gonna call you Patches). Is it chilly in your corner of your Mom’s basement or did you miss your dailies? Life is hard, I know. But cheer up! I am sure your real doll version of Codex from the Guild will be in real soon.

      November 25, 2014 at 10:41 pm