The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Romantic Monday – Ode To Edward Hotspur

For those of you who may not know, the great Edward Hotspur hosts a weekly blog-wide post-off known as ROMANTIC MONDAY. As someone who isn’t much of a romantic, I wasn’t sure I’d have anything remarkable to post on this topic. But something about the Halloween season inspired me to write the following tale of love and devotion gone wrong. For my first Romantic Monday offering I give you:


How I wish I had the courage to kill you, my darling. Oh, to have the strength to give you what you ask! Alas, my beloved, I am weak. You cannot imagine how it pained me to remove your feet. Surely you understand the sacrifices we must make for our love!

It all started so beautifully, did it not, E.H.? That glorious day when at long last you noticed me! I hardly believed it myself. Oh how you teased me, renaming me “Hellis” and coordinating our blog posts. How did you know the pleasure I would receive, seeing your words intertwined with mine? So why, oh why did it have to end?

Did my novelty wear off after only a year? Did you think I wouldn’t notice you had moved on to another? Did you think I wouldn’t recognize your words on another woman’s blog?

I recognized you. I recognized you because you belong to me.

I do not blame you for straying, my darling. You are just a man, after all, easily swayed by blog stats and sparklines. I forgive you your frailties. But I see now that I have to protect you and our love from the seductive, literary succubi who covet you for themselves.

Please do not cry, my sweet. You shall not miss your hands for long!

Just as you gave yourself to me, I shall become you, E.H. I will sacrifice my own identity and assume yours as a testament to our devotion to one another. I will destroy these usurpers of our love with your own beautiful, words. Oh how it will pain me to mingle my words with theirs. But love is pain my darling, as you well know.



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42 responses

  1. This is quite the take on Romanticism!

    October 29, 2012 at 1:24 am

    • I take my inspiration where I can. 🙂

      October 29, 2012 at 6:26 am

  2. GAH! That’s scary because it actually happened. I have bionic hands and feet to this very day.

    October 29, 2012 at 7:26 am

    • Only hands and feet?

      October 29, 2012 at 9:33 am

      • Other parts only SEEM bionic.

        October 29, 2012 at 5:46 pm

  3. Pingback: Til Death Do We Part – A Haunting Romantic Monday Post | Edward Hotspur


  5. *SNORT*

    Does he have big hands?

    October 29, 2012 at 11:11 am

    • You know what they say about guys with big hands, right?

      No wait, that’s big feet.

      Now wait, that’s Pouringmyartout.

      Yeah, I don’t know what they say.

      October 29, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    • Wouldn’t you like to know!

      October 29, 2012 at 5:50 pm

      • Wouldn’t you like for me to like to know! Or something.

        October 29, 2012 at 6:09 pm

        • Okay. That’s romantic.

          October 29, 2012 at 6:11 pm

          • Hey there would you mind letting me know which web host you’re woinrkg with? I’ve loaded your blog in 3 completely different internet browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker then most. Can you recommend a good internet hosting provider at a honest price? Thank you, I appreciate it!

            October 6, 2013 at 3:37 am

  6. I think you’ve got this romantic stuff down!

    October 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

    • Thanks! HR Nightmare wants me to tell you that he agrees.

      October 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

  7. Love, pain, ownership, ominous threats… What could be more romantic?

    October 29, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    • That’s what I say! 🙂

      October 29, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    • HEY! That’s not… inaccurate.

      October 29, 2012 at 5:48 pm

  8. Ah, nothing like desire and romance coupled with DEARGODSHESINSIDETHEHOUSE! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!

    October 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    • I bet all those people who think EH and I are the same person are feeling pretty chuffed right now, huh?

      October 29, 2012 at 3:48 pm

      • No sense in beating yourself up about it. Zing!

        October 29, 2012 at 5:49 pm

        • It’s alright. I’m Catholic. We’re into self-flagulation.

          October 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm

          • Self-flatulation? ha ha

            October 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

          • Maybe lay off the beans? Oh wait…flagulation, not flatulation.

            October 29, 2012 at 7:05 pm

            • d0—d0b0d0bfd0b8d181d1Œ 2 | d0a0d0b0d0b1d0bed1‚d0b0 d0b2 d1€d1ƒd0bdd0b5d1‚d0b5 A powerful share, I slimpy given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit of evaluation on this. And he in truth purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to discuss this, I really feel strongly about it and love reading extra on this topic. If doable, as you grow to be expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more particulars? It’s extremely useful for me. Massive thumb up for this blog publish! Regards, Furniture Guarantee

              October 5, 2013 at 10:58 am

          • I’m impressed by your writing. Are you a professional or just very knowledgeable?

            November 28, 2013 at 2:23 am

  9. Pingback: Romantic Monday-The Bonfire Effect Chapter 2 « The Cheeky Diva

  10. I love this. So much!

    October 29, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    • Thanks so much! I’m thinking of switching it up a bit next week.

      Picture a secluded forest glen…morning doves cooing in the distance…a light breeze blowing through the trees…and Eric Estrada.

      October 29, 2012 at 3:50 pm

  11. Hellis

    Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

    Edward Hotspur

    October 29, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    • EH-

      Cause baby, can’t you see we’ve got everything going on and on and on?


      October 29, 2012 at 6:57 pm

      • Yes. I can see that.

        October 29, 2012 at 7:06 pm

        • 😉

          October 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm

          • Where do you see us in five years? Ten? Will we be famous?

            October 29, 2012 at 7:45 pm

            • Yes we will be famous, just like Michael and LaToya in that people everywhere will say, “Hey, did you ever notice you don’t see Edward Hotspur and H.E. Ellis in the same place at the same time?”

              October 29, 2012 at 10:07 pm

              • That’s when we’ll hide out in our mansions.

                October 29, 2012 at 11:14 pm

  12. I knew I should have patented that Ode to Ed Hotspur title!!!
    This was awesome… but mine rhymed!!!

    October 29, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    • But you can sing! People huck rocks at me when I sing. I have a weird voice, I think.

      October 29, 2012 at 6:55 pm

      • When life hands you rocks…uh…make gravel…

        October 29, 2012 at 7:04 pm

        • He didn’t sing my poem.


          October 29, 2012 at 7:06 pm

          • Now that I’ve got to see!

            er, hear that is.

            October 29, 2012 at 7:12 pm

  13. Pingback: Catching Up With Edward Hotspur – October Surprise | Edward … | How To Ski