The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

I Confess…I Killed Vincent Price

The date was October 25, 1993. At the time I was watching television, indulging in fistful after fistful of candy corn (yes, I actually like those). I was nearly three months into my first pregnancy so the reality of dressing my swollen belly up for Halloween and partying the night away was out of the question. Well, it was for me anyway.

Enter Mikhail Vlakfeld, my future ex-husband, heading toward the door dressed as- you guessed it, a Vampire. With all the wisdom of an eighteen year old only four months into marriage, he opted to leave me home to go party with his friends.

Relegated to a night of sulking over my Uterine Bastille, I began flipping through channels until I stumbled upon a Vincent Price movie marathon. It was in that moment that I uttered the phrase that would come to haunt me for the next nineteen years:

“My God, isn’t that guy dead yet?”

Seems like a harmless enough phrase, right? Jump to the next morning and me opening the front door to find my future ex-husband passed out face down on the front step, drooling onto a newspaper with a headline that read:

Vincent Price- dead at 82 years old.

That’s right. Apparently at the exact moment I uttered the above phrase, the great Vincent Price keeled over dead. You better believe my family never lets me forget this happened. I wish they would because let me tell you, Vincent Price is NOT the guy you want to kill with the power of an ill-spoken phrase. I expect the afterlife will not be a pleasant place for me.


28 responses

  1. That’s right I almost forgot
    Ok not really, who can forget
    you broke

    H A L L O W E E N !!!!

    Of all the people you went and killed the
    King of scary
    Your ever so screwed
    See you on the dark side

    October 31, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    • I find it highly ironic that of all the things you should have remembered that night, this is what you chose to recall. It’s a good thing I’ve got the police report to jog your memory, Inmate #6547851.

      October 31, 2012 at 7:55 pm

      • Ha ha ha.. Very funny. I use to have issues.

        October 31, 2012 at 9:20 pm

  2. If you can teach that skill, I’d take lessons.

    October 31, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    • I was raised by Gypsys, which makes me fluent in bone casting and skullduggery.

      October 31, 2012 at 7:57 pm

  3. You kill me.

    October 31, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    • I can.

      November 1, 2012 at 3:50 am

      • Your words came at a terrible Price.

        November 1, 2012 at 10:01 am

        • Now you need to cover Roberta Flack’s KILLING ME SOFTLY.

          November 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

          • I just drank a ton of coffee for some reason. It’s 7pm! I know it’s because it’s warm, but… now I’m going to be up all night. And working all day. And I won’t be able to stop writing.

            I’m like Stephen King in a blender, with some romance and silliness and with absolutely no money.

            November 1, 2012 at 6:59 pm

  4. Thanks, I needed that.

    October 31, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    • I am glad you got something out of my eternal damnation. ๐Ÿ™‚

      November 1, 2012 at 3:51 am

  5. Can you do that for Presidential candidates, too? I’m thinking your country would appreciate that…

    November 1, 2012 at 6:48 am

    • Sigh…

      If only.

      November 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

  6. I would have been 6 months old! ahaha. Happy Halloween though.

    November 1, 2012 at 7:30 am

    • Well, at least you know you aren’t him, reincarnated. I tease Michael about that all the time, since I was pregnant with him while this happened. It would explain his super deep voice and evil laugh.

      November 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

      • I knew you made a deal with the devil for his good looks! ๐Ÿ˜‰

        November 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

        • His father made the deal for his good looks. Our kid just inherited them. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          November 3, 2012 at 8:24 pm

  7. You got mad skillz.

    November 1, 2012 at 8:43 am

    • Thank you. I try to use my powers for good.

      November 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

  8. If I provide a list…….

    November 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    • Dayton..that wouldn’t be a list of Star Wars fans, would it? Hmm?

      November 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      • Well….it does now.

        November 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm

  9. It akes guts to own up to your guilt. Who is next on your hit parade? William Shatner? How about Clint Eastwood. Go ahead… make his day…

    November 1, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    • I’ve got my sights set on that Shamwow guy.

      November 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm

      • Well that’s all right then.

        November 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm

  10. wow! with a name like Mikhail Vlakfeld, you would have figured he was from Transylvania anyway. Are you sure he isn’t really a vampire? I would think he was at least related to one!
    on the serious side, nice to see you posting again.

    November 2, 2012 at 7:13 am

    • As a matter of fact, he is related to Vlad Tepes who Bram Stoker based the character of DRACULA on. Both Mikhail and Vlad are Wallachian.

      Things at work are finally settling down, so hopefully I’ll be posting (and writing) more often. ๐Ÿ™‚

      November 3, 2012 at 8:23 pm