The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Turkey Incognito

All across America families are gathered around their tables in celebration of Thanksgiving; a holiday that commemorates the first harvest of 1621 for the Pilgrims of Plymouth, Massachusetts. Here in New England, the birthplace of Thanksgiving, we honor our forebears by keeping with the tradition of serving turkey, an indigenous bird to this part of the country.

While many of us view turkey as festive holiday fare, there are some who consider our gesture of patronage murder. There is one who goes so far as to call it genocide. Today’s holiday interview is like no other that’s come before, because today we are conducting our interview in a secret hide-out free from the tyranny of New England’s native carnivores. Today we interview Pro-foul resistance leader, Tom Turkey.

Hello, Tom. Forgive me for sounding trite, but how are you doing?

Eat me – that’s how I’m doing. Oh, I’m doing really well. Gobble gobble and shit. I’ve been soaking in this hot tub all day – it smells great, sort of spicy or something. It’s making me hungry! GAH! Wait a minute…

Without revealing too much information, can you explain what is involved in engineering and maintaining an underground system of foul relocation?

Ah yes, the Undergrain Railroad. Well first, some wild turkeys are helping out with that by disguising some of us with camouflage and leaves. Those guys are poultry in motion. Secondly, we eat nothing but donuts and burgers and Cheetos to ensure that even if we’re caught, we’re too fatty to be palatable.

From what your lieutenants tell me you’ve been able to successfully move over one thousand turkeys out of New England to a Vegan commune somewhere in rural California. What are the logistics involved in such a massive migration, and were there any bumps along the way?

Besides these red things, you mean? HA HA! GOL! (Ed. note: gobble out loud) One word: trains. This country hates trains, so it’s easy to sneak on like a bunch of hobos and ride them all across the country.  And when we can’t do trains, we ride bears. That’s right, bears! Grizzlies! In return for eating bugs.  They hate bugs.

Have there ever been any close calls?

Yes there have – hunters. Those damned turkey calling things are like a siren song to some of us. Some of us are really fucking stupid, and when they hear one of those things go off, they go running out, and BLAM! Though this one time, one of our boys was able to get someone shot in the face. Hilarious!

And there was that one time when someone got a little smart for her own good, and read a map, and saw this country called… you know. She put the wrong two with the wrong two and got… well, eaten.

What would you like to see the Obama administration do in the form of policies that would make hiding out unnecessary?
Useless, Hellis. Useless. It’s already been tried. Over 200 years ago, we started a grassroots whisper campaign to get Benjamin Franklin to make the turkey the national bird. We would have been set FOREVER! But that idiot ran out in a rain storm and got shocked, and he was never the same. We couldn’t even get him on the ballot. Eventually, he went to France. Yeah, France. I know, right! Gobbledammed eagles swooped up and took the bird prize. They’re endangered, of course, but no one is eating them, are they.

More than just winning sovereignty for the Turkey population, you’ve been quoted as stating you’d like to see the Thanksgiving holiday abolished altogether. What in particular about Thanksgiving (other than turkey consumption) do you find distasteful?

Cranberry sauce. Terrible stuff. Oh, and those hand thingies, where human children trace their hands and pretend they’re turkeys? What the hell – those look nothing like us.

What’s your opinion on Turduken?

Well, I’ve stuffed a duck AND a chicken before, if you know what I’m saying, and I’ve seen ducks and chickens having some fun, but… yeah… this is just sick.

Finally, where do you see yourself in the future?

President of Mars, which will be renamed Turkopolis. It will also be renicknamed The Red Thingie Planet.

31 responses

  1. Happy “I am not a turkey” Day, HE.

    Great interview. Undergrain Railroad indeed.

    November 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    • And a Happy Turkey Genocide Day to you too!

      November 22, 2012 at 12:16 pm

  2. so a little birdy told me to check out your post, i though it was a feather-brained idea. however i like the interview, but leaves a foul taste. And gotta say they may not have gotten the bird prize but have one hell of a kick ass whiskey.

    November 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    • I cannot believe you went there.

      November 24, 2012 at 9:09 am

  3. “Poultry in motion”–that’s punny!

    November 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    • Ba dum bum.

      November 24, 2012 at 9:09 am

  4. Whooooooooooo

    November 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    • oooooooooooohW

      November 24, 2012 at 9:10 am

      • Who are you, PMAO now? You know, this FP thing is dragging its feet.

        November 24, 2012 at 9:45 am

        • Yes it is! 😉

          November 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

  5. I have to agree with Tom. Cranberry anything, YUCK!!

    November 22, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    • Aw…I like cranberries! Maybe it’s because I’m so close to Maine. They got a lot of ’em up ’round there.

      November 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

      • They got lobsters in Maine too – but you wouldn’t want to eat lobster sauce or lobster pie.

        November 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

        • Are you kidding? I eat both all the time. It’s wicked awesome, brotha.

          November 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

  6. Great Interview!

    November 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    • Thanks! I had help.

      November 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

  7. I love these interview things… I wish I could take part in one… oh… wait… never mind… wink.

    November 23, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    • Wink indeed. 😉

      November 24, 2012 at 9:13 am

      • I am all tingly and aflutter. Even if I can’t spell them.

        November 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

        • Dats why da Lord made de spellz chek.

          November 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

          • But he forgot to put one in my comment boxes.

            November 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

          • That’s really thkining of the highest order

            April 24, 2014 at 5:06 pm

  8. I think female turkeys should be admired for their wattles.
    Hot, baby!

    November 23, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    • Hmm…what to write for a reply…wattle I say, wattle I say…

      November 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

      • Wow. I made a comment right here. Look – you’re reading it right now!

        November 24, 2012 at 9:47 am

        • GAH!!! It’s like you’re trapped in a time machine, man!

          November 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

  9. I got here late, and snuggled up next to HR on the Like line. He told me he liked me. You told me you liked somebody else’s interview. I’ll see you an unnamed Dick, and raise you a Sarah.

    November 26, 2012 at 9:58 pm

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