The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate



Associated Press

North Pole – Shocking developments today at the North Pole rocked legal and judicial communities all around the world.

Santa Claus, under arrest for a variety of charges since early this year, has escaped custody.  The warden for the North Pole District Detention Facility declined comment.

Unnamed sources cited mafia connections in this classic jailbreak, which ultimately caused an entire wing of the Detention Facility to be shut down for repair.  “Total overkill,” one guard said, “One minute, I was rousting this sex offen… uh, checking on the prisoners, and the next I woke up in the middle of the deflated Bouncy Castle down on the floor.  The inmates were devastated.”  Other sources confirmed that riotous prisoners were transferred to separate them after a near riot over the Bouncy Castle.

The usually taciturn District Attorney maintained that, “We will of course seek justice for the people in this case.  This is in no way over.”  An unnamed source close to the DA hinted that the unofficial verdict here in the Pole region is ‘good riddance’ after the ongoing circus of civil disturbances resulting from Santa Claus’ arrest and incarceration.

At the height of the Santa Crisis, the NAACP provided Claus an attorney to replace Jose Baez, who quit the case citing personal reasons.  Santa Claus’ pro bono lawyer declined comment, but later Al Sharpton issued a statement saying, “Justice is served for Brother Claus.  Whether he’s free now or was set free later by an activist jury doing the right thing, justice has prevailed.”  NAACP and Sharpton spokesbrothers were available for further comment.

The legal circuit media here in town were not put off breaking news for long, however.  Only hours after Claus’ mysterious and violent escape, North Pole Police responded to a 9-1-1 call allegedly made by staffers working for Gloria Allred, the lawyer representing Mrs. Claus in her divorce proceedings.  One jelly-donut-filling-smeared officer stated, “We have no suspects at this time, but the connection with the jail break cannot be overlooked.”  A source within NPP said off the record that one key item logged into evidence were salad tongs that were found at the scene.

Other sources close to the presiding judicial figures in these cases hinted at a unilateral backroom deal that would settle both cases without further court drama.  Just this morning beat reporters went to the blogs to announce that Mrs. Claus boarded a commercial flight out of the Pole, possibly confirming rumors of this alleged backroom deal.  No official representatives of any North Pole offices were available for comment after this.









23 responses

  1. I see this as a lifetime movie, with Lindsay Lohan as Mrs. Claus, the Hobbit dwarves as elves, and Al Roker as Santa Claus. (Seriously, that guy’s depraved.)
    Oh, and Danny Devito as the bouncy castle.

    Featuring Daniel Craig as Al Sharpton.

    November 26, 2012 at 7:25 pm

  2. I am absolutely CRYING at the image of Daniel Craig as Al Sharpton. God, I wish I’d thought of that.

    November 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm

  3. Anonymous

    How about Jesse Ventura as the D.A. He was a politician.

    November 26, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    • Holy Crap, he was! That would be too funny. 🙂

      November 27, 2012 at 8:26 pm

  4. It saddens me the way the criminal justice system has become such a circus during these high profile cases. But I have mixed feelings on this one. That guy would not have done well in the general population. He spent too much time around kids. And he was something of a stocking stuffer, if you see what I mean.

    November 26, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    • How sad that a man at the Top of the World would end up at the “bottom” of a pile.

      November 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      • Okay, I just threw up in my mouth a little… and it tasted like candycane…

        November 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

        • So did Santa’s cellmate. It tasted like the Christmas Spirit.

          NOW I’m going to Hell.

          November 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm

          • I think maybe you are… good luck…

            November 27, 2012 at 8:42 pm

            • It makes sense, I am Irish after all.

              Well, I’m half Irish, so I’m only mediocre luck.

              November 27, 2012 at 8:47 pm

              • It makes sense that you are lucky, or that you are going to hell? Ha!

                November 27, 2012 at 9:40 pm

  5. Santa’s a bad ass…

    November 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    • Yes he is. 😉

      November 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm

  6. Please pay a visit to the secret blog. I am not pestering you, but there are a few great stories, and it is too much work to do if nobody sees it… thanks and love… also, you can learn a self defence move that could save your life. And hear one of the best fight stories ever.

    November 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    • A FIGHT STORY?? Oh I am so there.

      November 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm

      • Read the one below it first… the one with the stick figures… it might save your life.

        November 27, 2012 at 8:32 pm

        • I read it and the creepy one before my computer locked up on me. I can think of an opportunity in my life where I might use that move. I’ll need a ladder, though.

          November 28, 2012 at 4:28 am

          • Did you get to the part where I knocked a guy out of his shoe? Stupid magic computer boxes…

            November 28, 2012 at 9:26 am

            • Yes I did, and I have to admit that I spent a moment or two thinking about the physics involved in order to create that event. Then I remembered I’m not particularly bright and flat out cracked up laughing at how you laid a motherfucker out.

              November 28, 2012 at 5:11 pm

              • I do what I can to amuse you with my perilous adventures.

                November 28, 2012 at 5:14 pm

                • Yes, PMAO I find you highly amusing. 🙂

                  November 28, 2012 at 5:16 pm

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