The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Pentultimate Christmas Shopping List

thisiswhyimbrokeJust in time for the holidays comes the world’s most epic shopping list! Inspired by the twisted- I mean, creative and clever folks at this list is a veritable smorgasbord of incredibly useless but uber awesome nonsense!


We begin with gifts for the SciFi fan in your life. First up is Star Wars and the FROZEN HAN SOLO CARBONITE star-trek-engagement-ringdesk. Or maybe that’s a gift for a Star Trek fan.

Speaking of Trekkies, what green alien lady wouldn’t love to wake up Christmas morning and find this nifty little engagement ring under the tree? (Don’t even think about it, Elias).

wookie_jesus_framed_1024x1024For those of you who enjoy a little blasphemy with your fandom there is available for purchase a signed portrait of the WOOKIE JESUS. That’s right people, I said signed. I’ll let you think on that a moment while I gaze in wonder to your right at the single most die-hard piece of SciFi merchandise ever created. No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you; that is indeed a bed bedcrafted to loosely resemble an imperial star-fighter ship.

Cashing in at over $15,000 this piece of nerdtastic craftsmanship is reserved for only the most dedicated of SciFi’s fandom. But don’t despair ladies and gentlemen; there is hope. My understanding is that you can also buy these beds used. I’ll let the irony of that statement sink in while I move onto gifts for the hyper obsessed fan.

xbox-360-controller-braFor the gamer whose attention you just can’t grab comes the controller you can- namely in the form of the X-Box 360 bra. This particular attention getter comes in at moving-inkblot-masks$40.00 U.S. dollars (that’s 24.94 pounds British Sterling for any Brit who might like to know).

For the fan who takes his comics- er, I mean, graphic novels a little too seriously comes Rorschach’s MOVING INK BLOT FACE MASK courtesy of the Watchmen franchise. I don’t want to begin to think of how they get it to do that.

royal-toilet-throneFor the isolationist who has everything but still wants more comes the ROYAL steampunk-monitor-and-keyboardTOILET THRONE. Perfect for that royal pain in the arse in your life.

Moving on to the isolationist with something to say is the STEAMPUNK MONITOR AND KEYBOARD. Perfect for writing your latest Steampunk short story or penning your rambling manifesto. Dayton, I’m talking to you.

blood-pool-pillowSaddled with the burden of participating in Secret Santa in the workplace? Consider these fine gifts for white elephant prizes.

First off we have the BLOOD POOL PILLOW- a perfect solution to a case of the “Mondays.” Pair it with a sign that says, “It was my stapler” and you’ll have plenty of time to sleep off that Monday morning hangover. At least until the cops show up.

desktop-ballistaNext up is the MINI BALLISTA LAUNCHER or as New Englanders call it, a “trebuchet.” Look closely at the dude in the background playing target.

Tell me you wouldn’t want to nail that bloated loser right in the back of his brainpan with a wet wad of paper if you were forced to share an office with him. You just know he smells like particle board and cheese farts. I bet if you zoom in you’ll see him ordering an inflatable girlfriend.

zombie-gnomesFor the sick puppy in your life consider the ZOMBIE GARDEN GNOMES. Guaranteed to bob-ross-finger-puppetkeep the neighbor kids from cutting across your lawn.

If the gnomes don’t do the trick, maybe the BOB ROSS FINGER PUPPET will. The only thing scarier than a lawn full of zombie gnomes scaring children away is an creepy old neighbor wearing a Bob Ross finger puppet, beckoning them closer…

baby-mopFinally we have gifts for new mothers who are looking for baby-carrying-jacketways to make their hectic lives easier. For example, the BABY MOP.

Don’t let junior loaf around like a lazy American! Instill a Japanese work ethic in him with this multi-tasking work of genius made in Taiwan.

I’ve stared at this last picture for ages now trying to come up with something witty to say and all I’ve got is…GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

45 responses

  1. I posted “My Favorite Things” this week… two ends of the shopping spectrum! This cracks me up. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

    December 8, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    • Anytime. 🙂

      December 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

  2. Tom Elias

    Uhm… so I should return the ring?

    December 8, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    • My Precious….

      No wait, that was the wrong bit of dorkdom.

      December 9, 2012 at 10:35 am

      • Tom Elias


        December 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

  3. “I’ve stared at this last picture for ages now trying to come up with something witty to say….”

    Once again, Emily’s obstetrician was running late.

    December 8, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    • Awesome. Of course there is always, “And that, children, is how the Blue Man Group came to be.”

      December 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

  4. To be fair, any basement dwelling hardcore gamer will be instantly torn from his game (and shocked into slobbering awkwardness) by any attention from a woman who could fill out that bra.

    Or any woman, really…

    December 8, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    • Are we speaking from experience? 😉

      December 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

      • Let me get to a save point before I answer that..

        December 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

        • I totally had to look up what “save point” was. Too funny, El Guap.

          December 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

        • Grade A stuff. I’m unilostqenabuy in your debt.

          April 24, 2014 at 2:04 pm

  5. These are just wicked awesomesausage… so you don’t want the new car I bought you???

    December 9, 2012 at 12:16 am

    • Gasp! Did you buy me the BATMOBILE???

      December 9, 2012 at 10:52 am

      • No… it was just an Italian supercar… but if you don’t want it…

        December 9, 2012 at 10:53 am

        • Italian Supercar? You must be talking about the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport! Gimme!!!

          December 9, 2012 at 1:25 pm

          • Hey, I watch Top Gear.

            December 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm

            • Gasp X2!

              YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND!!!!!

              December 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

  6. ‘basement dwelling hardcore gamer’ My boyfriend is not but ‘Lay on Megan’s bed gaming till four in the morning’ is my boyfriend. Cock blocked by an Xbox ahaha not like I have a… Anyway. This made my laugh. It has only just occurred to me that we both seem to have had serious conversation with our nerds this week (Sorry Tomoose). I thought we were marrying each other? ahaha.

    December 9, 2012 at 5:50 am

    • Oh I think there’s room for three. 😉

      December 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

      • Three is a charm,
        Two is not the same.
        I don’t see them harm,
        So are you game?

        That is a bad song! ahaha.

        December 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

        • Holy what a song!

          December 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

          • …I am sorry for what your ears are about to experience!

            December 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

            • I think I need to teach that girl how to dance.

              December 9, 2012 at 1:38 pm

              • Me and Dancing have fallen out, mainly because I fell flat on my face trying to spin … I am a loser!

                December 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

                • Try not dancing after you’ve had a few drinks. It makes a world of difference.

                  December 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

                  • That’s what I was doing wrong! ahaha No, I just can’t spin.

                    December 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

  7. Thank god you posted this with enough shopping days left.

    Also, stop using big words in your titles. It’s frightening, man.

    December 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

    • Indubitably. 😉

      December 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

      • Fookin smartass.

        December 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

  8. “Parents, why stop the Halloween party just because you can’t find a babysitter? With our t-shirt, you can dress your wee one like Kuato from Total Recall (had to google that one), and you’ll be the lives of the party.”

    December 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

    • I just Googled that myself and then laughed my ass off!

      December 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

  9. Pingback: Sacrilege Sunday: May The Force Be With You « SUPERVERSITY

  10. Ok 2 bottles of jack and a 2 ltr ok coke, never mind ill look in the morning( or maybe the after noon) to see what this is all about. Screw it ill just get a vacume cleaner and call it a day.

    December 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    • Please get rid of the creepy eyeball!!!!!!!

      December 13, 2012 at 8:17 pm

  11. Billy Buzzkill asks, PENultimate? You have another list yet to come? This one was funny enough. And New Englanders call ballistas, trebuchets?

    December 10, 2012 at 2:55 am

    • We call everything trebechets. It’s a fun word to say.

      December 13, 2012 at 8:19 pm

  12. I wonder if that bra comes in my size, because it’s frickin’ awesome! And oddly enough, I find regular garden gnomes to be absolutely terrifying, yet the zombie ones are kinda cute. Go figure.

    December 10, 2012 at 8:49 am

    • You’re right! Zombie gnomes are awesome, but the regulars ones…kinda creepy!

      December 13, 2012 at 8:20 pm

  13. I think I’ll order the zombie garden gnomes…the neighbours will love me even more!! Hey…maybe I’ll buy them and plant them on THEIR lawns for Christmas morning fun. Thanks for the idea! hehehehe….

    December 11, 2012 at 9:49 am

    • Oooohhh….maybe they sell Canadian gnomes! They’re just like American gnomes only more awesome and with better beer.

      December 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  14. kat

    Aaaahh! I want the Han Solo carbonite desk! Oh my god, that such an awesome thing exists . . . it makes me weep, for there is hope for humanity . . .

    But I’ll probably end up buying the zombie gnomes instead.

    December 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm