The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

CAPRICORN – The Insipid Wanker of the Blogosphere


Due to the all the recent January birthdays being celebrated around blogworld (including my own) I’ve decided to draw a parallel between various bloggers (mommy bloggers, sports bloggers) and their coordinating astrological signs. I plan on doing one of these each month for each sign so stick around and see just how close I get to yours.

Today I begin with my own sign which is:


Here is a brief overview of Capricorns in all their glory:

  • They tend to lecture other people about life and how to survive it.
  • They are hard-workers and status seekers.
  • Often mistakenly viewed as “elitists.”
  • Capricorns treat their friends very well and, in some cases, even prefer they company to that of anyone else.
  • Capricorns are deep, mysterious and full of intrigue and there always seems to be something going on in their minds.

Ah, yes…Capricorn. The answer to the question nobody asked.

We’re the bloggers who always have something witty and insightful to say, whether you wanted to hear it or not. We’ve asked all the right questions, know all the right answers and have little time or patience for your opinion on the matter (although secretly we love when you leave comments that allow us to show off our verbal acuity).Β 

Most of us are ambitious enough to write at least one blog post a day, sometimes more, but never on the same topic. We wax poetic about everything. We enjoy mocking the status quo more than regurgitating it because really, where is the challenge in that? And speaking of challenges, we are all about winning- even in blogworld. We Capricorns believe WordPress should have a little box dedicated just to us and our blog posts. I mean, come on? Who is better at writing anything than we are? Am I right? Am I?

Alright, let’s move on to love and relationships. Here’s what the interwebs have to say about Capricorn men:

“While a Capricorn male might display what could be termed as an aggressive behavior when it comes to getting what he wants, beneath that faΓ§ade is a shy and introverted guy. Don’t misinterpret his shyness as being disinterested. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions without feeling self-conscious in the process.”

Apparently the Universe has decided that all date-rapists are to be born between December and January. Not being one to judge, let’s hear what the interwebs have got to say about us Capricorn women:

“You want to love and be loved, but when the feeling starts to blossom, something always seems to stop you from acknowledging it and pursuing it.”



It is widely accepted in astrological circles that the best mate for any particular zodiac sign is to be paired with one of his or her own kind. That being said, astrologists everywhere are in agreement that the WORST romantic pairing for a Capricorn is…


So in conclusion, I’ll sum up my evaluation of the Blogger Capricorn with this synopsis of our sign:

“Capricorn has a certain exclusive side to its nature, often preferring to associate itself with people it deems worthy.”

In other words, we know we’re the shit, but we think you are too.

Stay tuned next month for AQUARIUS – THE REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE.

107 responses

  1. Caps are crazy ppl who can’t control thief emotions and twist them into fucked up poetry, full of cryptic messages.
    Oh wait, that’s just my ex. Btw, Caps and Leo’s = Wonderful music being made.
    Not really.
    Oh, Aquarius….egotistical _______!

    January 21, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    • Yes!

      My next project is to write poetry from the point of view of each zodiac sign. The Capricorn poem will be filled with inflated words and will go on for pages saying absolutely nothing of consequence.

      January 21, 2013 at 6:10 pm

      • Awesome. Warn me before you touch the Leo’s, k? I have some things to say about us.

        January 21, 2013 at 6:13 pm

        • Oh no worries. I love Leos. All of the charisma, none of the ego.

          January 21, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      • Catherine Johnson

        LOL Belated Happy Birthday fellow Capricorn!

        January 21, 2013 at 8:17 pm

        • Well thank you and a very happy birthday to you too!

          January 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm

          • Catherine Johnson


            January 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

      • I can help you with that! I Aquarius am great at blowing air out my mouth!


        January 23, 2013 at 4:18 pm

        • OMG I am so stealing that!

          January 24, 2013 at 7:40 pm

  2. Haha….that was awesome. I’ll be anxiously awaiting the Aries post!!

    January 21, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    • Uh…yeah. My ex is an Aries, so be prepared for that one to be slightly skewed…

      January 21, 2013 at 6:10 pm

      • Hmmmm…..did I say Aries….I meant…uh….Gemini.

        January 21, 2013 at 6:15 pm

        • Good news there- my kid is a Gemini! And for the purposes of the Gemini blog post, so are you. πŸ˜‰

          January 21, 2013 at 6:18 pm

  3. I’m not any of that stuff! Except for the cool stuff! So…. You just take it back! Right now! Dang it!

    January 21, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    • Are you kidding?? Every bit of research I did on Capricorns had you and I written all over it!!!

      They used the letters E and H frequently. πŸ˜‰

      January 21, 2013 at 6:27 pm

      • Maybe to ask (eh?) or laugh (hee hee) but surely not… we aren’t…. that’s not us, is it?

        January 21, 2013 at 6:30 pm

        • What? Date-Rapey and Frigid? God no. We’re Hansel and Awesomesauce! (it’s okay, I’ll be Hansel. People already think I’m a dude with a German name).

          January 21, 2013 at 6:31 pm

          • You’re awesomesauce too

            January 21, 2013 at 6:32 pm

            • That’s us- Capricorn brand Awesomesauce. Available only in the most exclusive of markets.

              January 21, 2013 at 6:38 pm

              • Brought to you by the makers of Genuflectrol!

                January 21, 2013 at 6:44 pm

                • GENUFLECTROL! Now in grape, cherry and Capricorn flavors! I wonder what Capricorn flavor tastes like? I imagine it tastes a lot like goat cheese and…fish.

                  January 21, 2013 at 6:51 pm

                  • Kind of like pineapple, but a little saltier.

                    January 21, 2013 at 6:53 pm

                    • I heard Fred Schneider’s voice in my head as I read that sentence.

                      January 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm

                    • You need a drink.

                      January 21, 2013 at 6:57 pm

                    • How come?

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:02 pm

                    • Because I am both a loser AND a B-52’s fan.

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:04 pm

                    • You had a number of my voices to hear that in –
                      American, British, Cockney, Spanish, French accents and singing – and you heard Fred Schneider?

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm

                    • Go here.

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm

                    • Oh. I meant the stuff that comes out of our inaugural balls.

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:13 pm

  4. Oh boy! Rebel without a clue? That’s me all over! I can’t wait to read about me and the rest of the waterlogged moron bloggers. I mean Aquarisuses, Aquarei, Aquariums,….whatever. Just hurry up and write it already.

    January 21, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    • Ha! I need to get busy since Aquarius officially starts tomorrow!! πŸ™‚

      January 21, 2013 at 6:29 pm

  5. In some astrological spheres I am a Cancer, in others I’m a Leo…so is being on the cusp of both mean I get to inherit the best crap from both signs and smush it together? Then I would be sensitive to your feelings that my shit is awesome. Cool. Can’t wait to see how this goes down.

    January 21, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    • Hmm…being on the cusp of Cancer and Leo tells me that most people think you are quite amazing, but you are reluctant to believe them.

      January 21, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      • Aww shucks…. πŸ™‚

        January 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm

        • It also means you’re “lion” about having crabs.

          January 21, 2013 at 7:03 pm

          • I cannot believe you went there. Although I don’t know why because duh…Capricorn.

            January 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm

          • hahahahahha…that’s a good one. I like it…God help me.

            January 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm

            • Brazilians never have crabs. In fact, I read something that…

              January 21, 2013 at 7:11 pm

              • Buahahahaha!!!!

                January 21, 2013 at 7:14 pm

              • I heard bedazzling keeps the crabs from..uh, never mind, you said ‘Brazilian’…ohhhh.

                January 21, 2013 at 7:15 pm

                • 99 out of 100 Brazilian gynecologists proscribe Brazilians and Vajazzling as a crab remedy/preventive measure. It’s a fact – which I looked up.

                  January 21, 2013 at 7:19 pm

                  • Brazillian Gynocologist…I am surprised more young men do not aspire to that profession.

                    January 21, 2013 at 7:22 pm

                    • I’m not. Let’s just say that’s not necessarily the variety a young man wants.

                      January 21, 2013 at 7:24 pm

                  • Of course you did..because….

                    January 21, 2013 at 7:23 pm

  6. This is a great insight on all things Capricorn. However I think you’ve missed a lot and I mean a lot of things carpi-corny. Like the best advice a capi will ever get is that they tell them selves (right or wrong). Or that some of the best debates they have ever had where with them selves because others opinions just aren’t as good as there’s own. So suck on awesomesauce with a straw and bring on the RAM post.

    January 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    • Listening to an Aries speak is like watching them masturbate in front of a mirror.

      January 21, 2013 at 7:07 pm

      • That be $29.95 please. πŸ˜‰

        January 21, 2013 at 7:08 pm


          January 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm

          • It’s all in the mirror..

            January 21, 2013 at 7:11 pm

            • Don’t you mean ON the mirror?

              January 21, 2013 at 7:13 pm

              • Nope new wiper app… Self cleaning.

                January 21, 2013 at 7:14 pm

  7. I don’t know why anyone would think you’re a dude. Maybe it’s H.R. for contrast, but you’ve always seemed quite feminine to me….in a ghetto thug sort of way.

    January 22, 2013 at 2:52 am

    • Aw yeah…Thugalina, that’s me.

      By the way, when is YOUR birthday, Archon??? πŸ˜‰

      January 24, 2013 at 7:42 pm

  8. I thought the post was the funniest thing I would read today… right up till I got to Ed’s comments about the crabs… sorry…

    January 22, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    • Oh the shame of being out-shined by a venereal disease. Even sadder still is when the spell check feature picks up that I misspelled “out-shined” but leaves “venereal” alone because I spelled it correctly.

      January 24, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      • You kill me… Ed just got lucky…

        January 24, 2013 at 8:47 pm

  9. And just so you know, I had crabs once when I was in the Navy when I was about 17. They are not nearly as tasty as the kind that live in the ocean.

    January 22, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    • Wait – so when in January is your birthday?

      January 22, 2013 at 5:08 pm

      • Ha… I am an Aries, or so they tell me.

        January 22, 2013 at 5:11 pm

        • An Aries???? Say it ain’t so!

          January 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

          • But like everything else in my life, I am not very good at it.

            January 24, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    • So many things wrong with that statement.

      January 24, 2013 at 7:45 pm

  10. I’ve been meaning to wish you happy birthday, you’ve been on a lot of blogs that I follow (now I’m following you) but it’s been hectic, I’m only now starting to catch up.
    So happy belated birthday.
    If you end up doing poetry from the point of view of each sign make sure to remove the myth that people from cancer are maternal and moody, I’m none, crying and laughing at the same time is a talent.

    January 22, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    • I love Cancers. They’re the guys who bail Leos out of jail.

      January 24, 2013 at 7:47 pm

  11. It’s so, I don’t know, sweet, I suppose, how you non-Sagittarians are discussing each other’s attributes, knowing all along that you wish you were in the cool-kids club. It’s like the less-beautiful girls at the pageant voting on Miss Congeniality, while the Sag girl walks off with the crown. Or something.

    January 22, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    • I am inclined to agree. The sign of Sagittarius is at once the most mello and the most horny of all the signs.

      January 24, 2013 at 7:50 pm

  12. Oh HE – I picked a PERFECT time to get back to being a regular in your neck o’ the woods!! I love this shit! One of my bestests is a Cap and you can just tell she wants me too feel honored that she counts me as friend too! But she’s one of the most authentic peeps I ever knew!!
    Now, I can’t wait to read about my sign, Aquarius!!!!!! We are dreamers and we do too have a clue – that we’re clueless!!
    lovin’ this!!


    January 23, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    • Thanks, Buddha! Aquarius are amazing because they are the only sign that craves equality and fairness, but is also so very oppositional!

      January 24, 2013 at 7:51 pm

  13. Why couldn’t you start this last month? There was a big birthday bash for my birthday – now I have to wait till December to find out what Sagittarius is all about! Unless you want to give me a heads up earlier?

    January 24, 2013 at 1:56 am

    • I really wish I had! I have noticed that bloggers who share signs also share blog types. I would definitely include you in an El Guapo, John Erickson “friendly” and “all around good blog” type, while Hotspur and I, well…

      January 24, 2013 at 7:54 pm

      • Sagittarians may be “good guys” & “all over friendly” but we’re also extremely creative & rule-breakers!

        January 25, 2013 at 12:44 am

  14. I just got my copy of Iconic Interviews in the mail… I am a published author thanks to you. I will never forget this day… now when can I get the book with the fairy tales?????

    January 24, 2013 at 7:04 pm


      You really ought to be proud of yourself. Not only did you do a good job, but you didn’t act like a douche and make your first real publishing credit a formulaic story written to capitalize on some fading Vampire trend. You wrote a solid piece of satire that you not only donated your proceeds from, but generously shared billing with other writers in order to help a young girl who is dying of cancer. The world needs more writers and more men like you, PMAO.

      Fairy Tales will go to print the moment I get in all the contributions. I have April 1, 2013 as my deadline, so hopefully right after that.

      January 24, 2013 at 8:01 pm

      • Tom Elias

        “…a formulaic story written to capitalize on some fading Vampire trend.” … like a novel about a near-miss apocalyptic plague with zombie-like side effects.

        January 24, 2013 at 8:44 pm

        • Formulaic? Hardly. I seem to remember that story opening with two squirrels engaged in an epic battle royale. Nothing generic about that.

          January 24, 2013 at 8:48 pm

      • Just in time for my birthday… that wasn’t a hint… I like knowing that if I buy the book it helps in even a small way. Now stop making me feel huger… I won’t fit through the door.

        January 24, 2013 at 8:50 pm

        • Deal.

          January 24, 2013 at 9:00 pm

          • Sweet.

            January 24, 2013 at 11:17 pm

          • Absolutely first rate and coeetr-botpompd, gentlemen!

            April 24, 2014 at 5:21 pm

  15. Good to see your blog still exists and is still as popular as ever… Cheers!

    January 28, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    • Where have you been???

      January 29, 2013 at 5:02 am

      • The real world. I think I was doing what I thought was on track but what was actually off track. But maybe I needed to learn that lesson to get back on track… πŸ˜‰

        Maybe I’ll write about it some day. πŸ˜‰

        January 29, 2013 at 9:32 am

        • You so need to. I know I’ll buy it. πŸ˜‰

          January 30, 2013 at 3:33 pm

  16. * Appropriate comment to fit in with other 94 comment* … P.s. Why are they so many RAMs around here? I might have to change my Birthday.

    February 1, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    • No, no. You are perfect the way you are!

      February 1, 2013 at 5:58 pm

      • Plus you used my English word πŸ˜‰ I actually used Lame in a sentence the other day and then said “That was very American of me,” Which was lame!

        February 1, 2013 at 6:10 pm

        • Awesome! Go to YouTube and type in TED PEPPERIDGE FARM and get a sample of what I hear everyday.

          February 1, 2013 at 6:14 pm

          • I love that movie, probably because the accent and attitude makes me laugh. Hehehe. Harda Harda.

            February 1, 2013 at 6:18 pm

            • Haha! You will love it here when or it you come visit.

              February 1, 2013 at 6:21 pm

              • Yes but I will stick out like a sore thumb, I wont be able to talk, I would be like “Of t shop t get some stuff” Why I can’t say the is beyond me! ahaha Ohh Yorkshire.

                February 1, 2013 at 6:26 pm

                • It could be worse. Every time I try to speak with a British accent, I end up sounding like the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins.

                  February 1, 2013 at 6:30 pm

                  • And I am most defiantly NOT a southerner.

                    February 1, 2013 at 6:31 pm

                    • Is being a southerner bad?

                      February 1, 2013 at 6:38 pm

                    • It just means your from the south ahaha And I am not. And wouldn’t want to be. Not that there is anything wrong with being from the south, I am just not. I am going to put the spade down now and just out this hole before it gets too deep.

                      February 1, 2013 at 6:42 pm

  17. OMG It’s the same thing here! The south gets picked on all the time here! How funny is that?

    February 1, 2013 at 6:54 pm