The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Happy Birthday Junior!


Like every good middle child, Junior was beyond not happy when he found out that I wrote a post about his brother, Prince Charming and not him. Not wanting to tempt fate with another phone call from his school as a result of his attention seeking behavior, I promised Junior I’d write a post about him today. Yeah, easier said than done.

First, he insisted there be pictures because as he puts it he’s, “dead sexy.” The problem is I can never keep the boy in clothes (he’d be naked 24/7 if I let him), so pictures of him are hard to come by. I decided to include these pictures from when he was nine years-old as they do a great job of summing up the first half of Junior’s personality, which is an all encompassing love of music.

Now, onto the second half. It would take all day to list every consequence of his thrill seeking, sometimes oppositional, always comedic personality. So I think  the best way to sum up Junior’s second half is to list every creature that has ever bitten, pinched, snapped or stung him (I left off obvious ones like black flies or mosquitos).


Wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, etc.
Scorpions (small Florida scorpions, not the big evil ones)
Fire ants (fell into a pile of them. It was awful).
Grub (I think. He was digging in the dirt and pulled this small, white circular thing off his finger. It bled like crazy).
Gila Monster (needed shots for this one)
Non-venomous snakes (not sure what kind. It was a friend’s pet)
Baby snapping turtle


Sea Urchin
Portuguese Man-O-War*
Crayfish (crawdads, mudbugs, etc).
Shark (not a great white but a Florida sand shark. It left a small, dog sized/shark mouth shaped bite on his foot. He hates that the scar faded).
Horseshoe crab (stepped on its barbed tail).
Sea Gull (tried to rescue it and it snapped).
Barracuda (caught it fishing, stuck his finger in its mouth on a dare).


Chickens, ducks, geese, various pet birds
Goat, sheep
Horse (nipped, not bit).
Hamsters, gerbils, mice, Guinea pig
Ferrets (needed a shot)

* If you ask him he’ll tell you that this was the one that hurt the most. Miraculously lifeguards identified it as a Portuguese Man-O-War and not a jellyfish, because first aid differs greatly between the two.

Luckily he’s never been bitten by simple things like bats, chipmunks or squirrels since a bite from one of them requires rabies shots. I’m sure there’s more, but this is all I can think of at the moment. He’s also been impaled on bicycle handlebars, but reckless teenage injuries are a post for another day.

17 responses

  1. That’s hilarious! I guess the best gift is humiliation because although you may lose that shirt somebody gave you, you’ll never forget the time your mom posted embarrassing pictures of you on the internet. Great post and holy cow, that’s a lot of battle wounds!

    February 13, 2013 at 12:21 am

    • Yeah, this kid is a nut to crack. Go to “Catagorically Awesome” and click on SHIT MY KID DOES and you’ll see why.

      February 14, 2013 at 6:40 am

  2. Having never had children I always thought of the difficult aspects of educating them, funding them and all seemed such hard work. But it never crossed my mind you can humiliate them too, that negates all the bad stuff! 🙂 Hope he has a great birthday!

    February 13, 2013 at 4:00 am

    • He did! When I asked him what he wanted he said, “to drive Frank and to get cannolis.”
      Yup. That’s how we spent his birthday.

      February 14, 2013 at 6:41 am

  3. Happy birthday Junior!
    (One can only wonder what vengeance he is plotting for this, and whether or not he’ll get HR to help…)

    February 13, 2013 at 11:41 am

    • Oh God…the two of them together are positively diabolical.

      February 14, 2013 at 6:43 am

  4. I really liked this post. I think me and the kid would get along. I do feel that I should point out that one of the jobs of a parent is to limit the number of things that can bite your child. That is how we survived through the early stages of our evolution. Caveparents weren’t telling their kids to go pet a sabre-tooth tiger to see what happens. Why have you not been brought up on charges of criminal endangerment? These animals do not all live in your backyard do they? You took him to places where these animals lived and then obviously just let him run off to find them.
    Jessica would never wear clothes when she was little. I am glad that stopped before high school and college.

    February 13, 2013 at 11:57 am

    • What can I say? I was trying to score some cash on that funniest home videos show.

      February 14, 2013 at 6:43 am

      • Oh, well then it makes perfect sense.

        February 14, 2013 at 10:40 am

  5. Sherry

    That was friggin’ hilarious. I can hardly type I am laughing so hard.

    February 13, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    • Thanks! The kid’s a riot.

      February 14, 2013 at 6:44 am

  6. ouch ouch ouch HAPPY ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch BIRTHDAY ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch JUNIOR – FELLOW ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch AQUARIAN ouch ouch ouch ouch…!!!


    February 13, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    • Sherry


      February 13, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    • Yes he is!!!

      February 14, 2013 at 6:44 am

  7. Sure, honey, you can play with the dangerous animals. Remember, Mommy loves you!
    It’s amazing the guy has made it to 16. Munchhausen Syndrome By Proxy to go. Hey Junior, congratulations on surviving your parents!

    February 13, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    • What’s funny is that the only two people in the world more reckless and wild than him ARE his parents. I cannot imagine where he gets it. 😉

      February 14, 2013 at 6:46 am

  8. Yes, it’s obvious he fits right in with the rest of the family. Like in adjoining cells. Happy belated B’day Junior.

    February 16, 2013 at 5:32 pm