The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

I Prank You Not

In recognition of April Fool’s Day I scored a rare opportunity to sit down with the God of Mischief, Loki.

HE: “Hello Loki. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me and my readers.”

LOKI: “Hi.”

HE: “Uh, that’s it? ‘Hi?’”

LOKI: “Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate. You do realize what day this is, right? Nice fucking time management there, Chickie.”

HE: *looking at the calendar* “Well, since it’s April Fool’s Day I am going to assume you are joking.”

LOKI: “You would think so, wouldn’t you?”

HE: “I am guessing that April Fool’s Day is the busiest day of the year for you.”

LOKI: “No, that’d be Valentine’s Day. People say a lot of shit they don’t mean which makes for a lot of lies to distribute. Especially to the men folk.”

HE: “That’s just sad.”

LOKI: “I’ll tell you what’s sad, having a God like Odin as your step-father. Growing up I never did anything right.”

HE: “On that note, tell us about your childhood.”

LOKI: “What’s there to tell? I was always in trouble since my dickhead brother Thor is a cock-blocking douchebag. I got him back good by convincing Odin that his perfect son wasn’t worthy of living in Asgard so he kicked him out. Now I got the big bedroom.”

HE: “Holy crap! How did you manage that?”

LOKI: “Let’s just say I hid some of our Mother’s more “intimate apparel” in his sock drawer. You do the math.”

HE: “It seems pranking and lying started at an early age. Have any of your lies ever backfired on you?”

LOKI: *laughs maniacally* “No, but the truth sure has.”

HE: “Alright, you’ve GOT to elaborate on that.”

LOKI: “Well, my mouth gets me into trouble, you see. One Thanksgiving I got ripped on Jager and told my whole family off, including my two ex-wives. Every word I spoke was the truth, but it didn’t change the fact I had to transform into a fish and hide in a river to get away from them. Shoulda just stuck to lying.”

HE: “You are known world wide for your practical jokes and pranks. Which prank do you consider your masterpiece?”

LOKI: “Pranks change with the times. I had a blast fucking with the Druids by stacking a bunch of rocks for no reason and then there were those IT virgins who blew their wads worrying about Y2K. That one was a double bonus because it also got the Military’s panties in a bunch sweating random nuclear missile launches. But I’d have to say that the best has yet to come.”

HE: “Come on, give us a hint.”

LOKI: “Uh…I’ll just say to keep a watch out for December 21, 2012.”

HE: “Are all the pranks you do so grand or do you work on a more personal level with the public?”

LOKI: “At times I like to dabble in the everyday, like when one sock goes missing or when you ‘accidently’ hit Reply All on that email where you trash your boss. But remember, I still have to make a living. Right now I am the major shareholder in Pfizer, a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a little, blue pill.”

HE: “Are there any pranks you regret?”

LOKI: “Non-Alcoholic beer and Star Trek. Never thought anyone would take that shit seriously.”

HE: “What is the one thing you would like the world to know about Loki?”

LOKI: “That I am everywhere. I am a shape shifter, after all. That woman you meet in the bar that is too good to be true? She probably is. Just sayin’.”

Return April 7th  for our exclusive interview with The Easter Bunny!!!

21 responses

  1. Hide the eggs!

    April 1, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    • He’s the guy who hides the REAL eggs and then leaves them under the couch until August. Not hard to find them then.

      April 1, 2013 at 7:01 pm

      • LOL – time delay egg hunt!

        April 1, 2013 at 7:02 pm

        • There’s a menopause joke in there somewhere.

          April 1, 2013 at 9:11 pm

          • Yeah, I wasn’t going to go there.

            April 1, 2013 at 9:29 pm

            • Such a Gentleman.

              April 1, 2013 at 9:35 pm

              • I guess that’s it. Or, fear of being murdered in my sleep. But mostly that gentleman thing.

                How’s rocking the new pad? Or I should say ‘house’ considering what we were just talking about.

                April 1, 2013 at 9:36 pm

                • I’m diggin’ my new digs. Granted, it lacks the blue collar charm that only HR and his collection of empty Jack Daniels bottles and Mack truck belt buckles can bring but hey, I try to make due. 😉

                  April 1, 2013 at 9:48 pm

                  • Better then a crawl space filled with….
                    Never mind this is Lokis day not mine to piss you off, that’s the 2nd.
                    Besides that chandler is kick ass.

                    April 1, 2013 at 9:56 pm

  2. So he’s still keeping his mouth shut about 70s fashion, huh?
    That bastard.

    April 1, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    • Yes. Loki is directly responsible for Smutton Chops.

      April 1, 2013 at 7:01 pm

  3. Yea I still gotta party with this guy.
    Hey can I blam him for pranks gone wrong?
    Cause I did one today I feel a little bad about..
    Okay, I don’t feel bad but it did go wrong.
    Okay it didn’t go wrong but I felt bad after.
    Okay I didn’t feel bad it was funny as hell.
    Never mind. So anyway I s gotta party with this guy.

    April 1, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    • I don’t know if you want to party with him. Last time I did he downed a quart of Jager and then puked out a second story window onto the roof of his truck.

      What an ass. 😉

      April 1, 2013 at 9:10 pm

      • A quart???? Yea gonna have to. Maybe he was going for accuracy. Besides isent this the same guy that tried to out run the the state troopers on A1A at a buck 35 when he realized that there radios move faster then the corvette he was driving?? Or did you not know about that one.. Sorry Loki.

        April 1, 2013 at 9:32 pm

        • How quickly Loki forgets that it was ME who posted his bail.

          April 1, 2013 at 9:34 pm

          • Yea or how you blew up his other race car.

            April 1, 2013 at 9:58 pm

  4. Still keeping mum on other jokes, too? Like Nickelback, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga? He’s gone too far with some of this.

    April 2, 2013 at 11:10 am

  5. Uh oh… me and that Loki guy might get along…

    April 2, 2013 at 11:39 am

  6. Loki is my kinda guy, the guy I would like to hang out with, he has a dirty mouth and dirty mouths are funny.

    April 2, 2013 at 1:34 pm

  7. Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Self-Actualization Edition | Guapola

  8. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! At least this year I know enough to hit the “like” button. Had a bad case of cold/flu. I’ve been on an around-the-world tour inside my head for a week, but I figured you were busy being busy, anyway. Let’s hear it for middle management! 😀

    April 8, 2013 at 1:30 pm