The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Time For Father Time

Father’s Day is upon us and with it an interview from the ultimate patriarch, Father Time.

*Good Afternoon, uh…is there such a thing as a time reference like “afternoon” in your reality?

Why wouldn’t there be? I’m just like you, missy. Minus the white beard. But don’t worry. It’s nothing a little electrolysis can’t help you with. (Bursts out laughing and slaps his knee). Man, I slay me! See what I did there?


I took the white beard reference and applied it to you! Since this is a print interview, people will think you have a white beard! Haha!

*Yes, I got it. Hilarious.

I know, right? I missed my calling, but relatively speaking stand-up comedy is a new thing. What would I have done before what you people call the 20th century? Wear a jester’s hat? No way. I have my pride. Plus, have you ever seen a comedian with such impressive biceps?


What? You want me to flex?

*No, thanks. Do time references like “afternoon” exist in your reality?

Oh, that. No offense, sweetie, but that’s dumb question. I mean I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I? In the afternoon. I would think the answer is obvious.

*It’s not afternoon everywhere.

Hey, don’t get all smart-ass and technical. Although I am everywhere I can’t be everywhere. I have to be somewhere, even if I am everywhere. So wherever I am, which doesn’t mean everywhere, is where I am. And when I am there, like I am here, I follow the clock like everyone else. By the way, do you know why clocks die?


Because their time is up! Haha! Get it? You see when people die other people say their time was up. So when you apply that to clocks it takes on a whole new double meaning!

*That begs for your thoughts on how we measure time.

You mean how I taught you to measure time. The truth is you people need structure and organization. Have you looked in your closets? So I gave it to you. However, to be fair, precision rocks my world. Without some sort of time structure your life would be chaotic, but mine would be completely different. I wouldn’t be a celebrity, for one. I’d only be that guy with the amazing bod and killer sense of humor. No one would call me Father Time which would be tragic since my given name is Vivien. Hey, wanna see my pecs?

*Since you’ve been around forever you must have witnessed some amazing moments in history. Can you tell us which event was your favorite?

Been around forever? Is that some sort of age crack?

*Of course not. All I’m saying is you are a man of experience.

That’s true. I am. I get a little sensitive when people start talking about age because it is saddled with all these pre-conceived notions. So what if I have a few trillion miles under my belt? I’m still sharper than a Ginsu knife. Not only that, I have quads to die for.

*I’m sure you do. Now back to your favorite moment in history. When was it?

Right now, baby. (winks)

*Which event did history get wrong?

It would be easier to answer which event history got right.

*Okay, which event did history get right?

What? Do I look like some sort of history expert? (Doubles over in laughter.) Sucker! You fell right into that one! Am I killing it or what? Dane Cook couldn’t touch me on his best day! Haha!

*Is there a special lady friend in your life?

Look at me. What do you think? This magic doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work and let me tell you, the ladies appreciate it. One peek at my lats will convince you.

*I’m flattered, but let’s keep this professional.

Oh I’ll keep it professional alright, sugar.

*I have no idea what that means. Do you have any inside information on the Mayans and their world-end predictions?

They were a fun-loving group, the Mayans. Did a bit too much peyote, which is never a good thing. I’ll tell you this much though. Even when the world ends, time will continue. Which means – cha-ching! – I have nothing to worry about.

*What is the one thing most people get wrong about you?

That I’m a “father”. I’m not. I challenge anyone to produce a paternity test that says otherwise. And if they do show me a test it better be multiple choice. Haha!


This bit of Father’s Day diversion brought to you by the mad genius of John at Trask Avenue. For more holiday fun read Iconic Interviews– some of the best bloggers around the ‘sphere coming together for a good cause and a lot of laughs. Pick up a copy today.

21 responses

  1. I believe Mother Earth is the only supernatural interviewee who hasn’t hit on you.

    And know that I know Father Time spends all his time at the gym, I guess I don’t have to watch my own time so closely anymore.

    June 16, 2013 at 12:08 am

  2. Yes, I am a hottie in the world I create.

    Father Time as a gym rat…who knew? I’d only recommend watching your time on the treadmill.

    June 16, 2013 at 7:50 am

  3. Tom Elias

    Maybe in more than just the world you create, I think.

    June 16, 2013 at 9:08 am

    • I’d say you are biased. 😉

      June 16, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    • I love her for her mind, ’cause I can do that from a discreet distance….if that’s OK with you! 😕

      June 16, 2013 at 10:49 pm

  4. Thanks you much for the fine article of wich much information I have been needing is inside of. I will be sure to pay much visits and atention to all future articles of such good information. Keep up with the good hard work. And speaking of hard, I have for selling some magic pills that will make you like a tree in your soft areas. Only fifty glabotniks for a bottle that will give you much happy pants for a long time.

    June 16, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    • My cousin and I were just speaking on that topic, and I am seeming that this is him disguised making this comment, else how would he know to the happy pants of which I crave?
      I will to bookmark this delightful weblog comment as to be perusing it more to my satisfaction in the future.

      June 16, 2013 at 5:41 pm

      • “Happy pants of which I crave?” Maybe the best Spambot line ever.

        June 16, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    • Ah yes…a visit from our friendly neighborhood Spambot. Selling me things I didn’t know I needed in a language no one’s ever heard of since 2011.

      June 16, 2013 at 7:58 pm

      • I just thought I would try this again and this time try to suck some other people into doing it too. Maybe WordPress would implode. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

        June 16, 2013 at 8:02 pm

        • O…M…G…wouldn’t it be hi-larious if someone started a blog and wrote the entire thing as if they were a Spambot?!? I literally mean post after post of Spambot generated awesome. My God I wish I had more time.

          June 16, 2013 at 8:05 pm

          • Join me… type a spam comment and paste into hundreds of blogs… if we get a few people doing it, nobody will know what is going on.

            June 16, 2013 at 8:08 pm

            • You got it. I have to start in the morning, though. I am off to bed early tonight since I can barely keep my eyes open. I know, I know, it’s only 8:00pm here, but I am positively geriatric lately.

              June 16, 2013 at 8:11 pm

              • Okay, I will keep this going for another day.

                June 16, 2013 at 8:13 pm

                • I should be more up for it tomorrow. I had some minor surgery Thursday which has positively wiped me out. It’s all good, I’m just beat for the moment.

                  June 16, 2013 at 8:14 pm

                  • awwww…. I hope everything came out… or off… okay…

                    June 16, 2013 at 8:16 pm

                    • Oh it did. I am nearly good as new! 🙂

                      June 16, 2013 at 8:18 pm

                    • Glad to hear it.

                      June 16, 2013 at 8:19 pm

                    • WordPress has disabled my new post button. They are upset about my little spam joke. They say they have concerns about the content of my blog. I get spam all the time from sites that sell nasty stuff. Do they shut them all down? Please let WordPress know that I am not evil. I need your help.

                      June 17, 2013 at 3:41 pm

  5. At least I got here on time to meet Father Whatzizname. 😀

    June 16, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    • That’s what I like about you, Archon; you make “Smart Ass” look good.

      June 16, 2013 at 7:59 pm