The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Flagulous!

Hold onto your garders people, because this next interviewee works red, white and blue. To commemorate the Fourth of July and a belated Flag Day we sit down with our nation’s favorite seamstress, the ever saucy Betsy Ross (Sparklebumps).

*** So tell me, Ms. Ross, what was it like being raised in a strict religious household?

As I was growing up, I never noticed that anything was amiss with regards to my religious upbringing. I was taught the ways of God and that to stray from them was a sin. It was until I met John that perhaps there was something more to life than praying and confession.

*** It seems you were quite the rebellious young woman. Tell us about your early love affair and your elopement with your husband, John.

I must point out, H.E., that I detest the word “rebellious”. I prefer the term “incorrigible.” No one has ever made me do something I didn’t want to do, and once I set my mind to do something, I do it, no matter what the reaction. That includes my elopement with John. My family was so upset I was excommunicated from our Quaker community. But every decision I made was worth it, because John was my one true love, and anyway, who could pass up the amazing honeymooning sex?

*** After John was killed in battle you went on to marry two more times which was nearly unheard of during the early 1700’s. How do you attribute your success in finding men?

I must be honest when I say that I’m not sure what it is that attracted all the men to me. I suppose my breasts may have had something to do with it, and my obnoxious need for love and affection…

*** I am going to quote Wikipedia here: “There is speculation that Betsy was the “beautiful young widow” who distracted Carl von Donop in Mount Holly, New Jersey, after the Battle of Iron Works Hill, thus keeping his forces out of the Battle of Trenton.” What was it like being so desirable that you potentially altered the future of a nation?

Women have been the cause for wars and the downfalls of countries for centuries. Just look at Helen of Troy. The main thing is to not let it go to your head.

*** Where did you get the idea for the design of the American Flag?

Well, I will let you in  on a little secret here. I’m into S&M a bit, and I was asked to design the flag right before I had a more than satifying… encounter. There was blood striping my freshly-washed white sheets, and that’s where the idea for the stripes came from. The stars I thought of because I tried to think of the most beautiful and sparkly thing I could think of to represent each state of glittery happiness our country had. Voila!

*** If you hadn’t made the flag, what would you like to have made instead?

If I hadn’t made the flag, I probably would have designed amazing satiny dresses for prostitutes, so as to give them a semblance of class.

*** What’s history’s biggest misconception about Betsy Ross?

The biggest misconception? ALL women who misbehave are misconceived. You know what they say- “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” I guarantee you wouldn’t be interviewing me if I had remained a Quaker. XOXO

19 responses

  1. Aww yes, women, we are awesome. Well behaved women…. Is by far my favorite quote.

    July 3, 2013 at 9:49 am

    • It is mine too!

      Sparklebumps, much like Betsy Ross, is a bit of a standard breaker herself. 🙂

      July 3, 2013 at 10:01 am

  2. Somehow, I like the idea that teh symbol of our country was conceived after a satisfying romp…

    July 3, 2013 at 10:13 am

    • It all sort of makes sense, huh?

      July 3, 2013 at 10:16 am

  3. Is it too late to see the hooker dress???

    July 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    • I think we can arrange something…

      July 3, 2013 at 10:38 pm

      • Oh, my!!!

        July 3, 2013 at 10:41 pm

        • Give me some time to get Sparkles to show it off. She looks waaaay better in it than I do.

          July 4, 2013 at 2:31 pm

  4. Tom Elias

    This doesn’t exactly jive with what they taught me in school. Is this insider New England stuff?

    July 3, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    • Yes it is.

      I know, I know, always a bridesmaid but never a bride.

      July 3, 2013 at 10:38 pm

  5. Wow…our flag was made by someone sticking a maple leaf in between two red bricks. How fucking exciting…I like your story better. Prostitutes, S&M and blood…everything you need to build a nation. Awesome.

    July 3, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    • I agree, although we will concede defeat to your superior beer.

      July 3, 2013 at 10:39 pm

  6. I got no wittier comment than “Great interview”. Love that retweet here from the guy who says the British call July 4th “Thursday” (this year, anyway). Which gives me the idea that we should all celebrate each other’s independence, or patriot, or whatever, day. We need more days off. When’s Guy Fawkes Day? Let’s start taking that day off work in America. Brazil? They’re big partiers; let’s start taking a day off work in honor of them……

    July 4, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    • That sounds good to me! Let’s celebrate Guy Fawkes day in Brazil, the land of British ex-patriots. November 5th is the perfect time to go!

      July 21, 2013 at 9:45 am

  7. Ah, to have been the videographer for that interview. It would be the centerpiece of my collection….uh, Museum library!

    July 10, 2013 at 2:46 am

    • That would be some kind of walking tour, eh?

      July 21, 2013 at 9:41 am