The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

An Open Letter To Ellen DeGeneres

I cannot think of a better way to honor all that is good about America than to pass along through the freedom of the written word the hopes and dreams of a young person. Please take the time to visit our good friend The Hook today and help him make his girl’s wish come true.

You've Been Hooked!

Dearest Ellen,

Hello. How are you? That’s great to hear, seriously. Listen, I know you’ve got a full plate in front of you right now (Okay, maybe not literally; you don’t look like you eat that much, to be honest. However, I stand by the statement.), especially considering how many challenges you have to deal with right now.

  • Voicing animated fish is no mean feat. (How do they record your voice underwater anyway?)
  • Arranging for Sofía Vergara to be “accidentally” deported so you can be the reigning CoverGirl has to be a lot of work.
  • Teaching millions of people to dance like no one is watching while hosting a kick-butt talk show must be exhausting. And sweaty, no doubt.

Normally I use this forum to write about my life as a bellman in Niagara Falls, but today I want to write to you from my heart.

I’ve been married to…

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4 responses

  1. Let freedom ring.
    Thanks, buddy.

    July 4, 2013 at 1:22 pm

  2. You’re welcome, and good luck!

    July 4, 2013 at 1:23 pm

  3. This is such a funny, tender and beautiful letter. It had me close to tears. I sure hope it hits it’s mark.

    July 4, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    • I hope so too. I love when young people wish for big things, especially when I can help.

      July 21, 2013 at 9:43 am