The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Doppelganger Hellis

I am officially traumatized.

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would never post pictures of myself, simply because I absolutely LOVE the fact that most people wonder if I am really a dude. The problem is that now even I am not so sure, because something has happened that has shaken me to my core.

People, I have found my twin.

It all started innocently enough this morning, with me at my computer putting the stories together for F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. I had a tab open with YouTube as I always do, listening to music in the background. My Glee-obsessed daughter suggested I listen to a channel that featured songs the show had covered. One of the featured bands was Journey. Sounds innocent enough, right?


Call it fate or irony or twisted divine intervention, but for some reason I decided to pull up the background tab just as a video loaded on the cue; a video that will haunt me for the rest of my days. I stared in horror at what I thought was my reflection, the truth slowly dawning on me one terrifying, note-filled moment at a time. For you see ladies and gentlemen, I look incredibly, unbelievably, motherfuckingungodly similar to Steve Perry. Give him big boobs and a small nose and it’s me, in all of my sad, stuck-in-the-80’s glory. I even have that same top, I shit you not.

So for those of you who may have wondered what I look like, look no further. I look like Steve Perry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to cash some cleverly forged royalty checks, right after I show this to HR Nightmare and do some REAL damage.

39 responses

  1. OMG. as one of the only bloggers that knows. OMG!!

    September 29, 2013 at 4:28 pm

  2. Well now you’ll have to put a side by side comparison shot. Haul out the shirt, tease the hair and prove what a rock star you are!! 😉

    September 29, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    • I would if it weren’t for the fact that Steve Perry is much prettier than I am. Also, I am self-conscious about my freakishly large eyes. Seriously, they are almost inhuman. I’d describe them as somewhere between Elijah Wood and whatever the hell this thing is:

      September 29, 2013 at 4:37 pm

      • I highly doubt that!! I haven’t even seen you and I think you are beautiful!!

        September 29, 2013 at 5:18 pm

        • Aw…you are sweet. 🙂

          When I was in my thirties I got the Mila Kunis thing all the time. Now that I am in my forties I’m lookin’ like Steve Perry. I shudder to think what my golden years are going to bring.

          Uh oh…

          September 29, 2013 at 5:33 pm

          • Haha….like a fine wine…..

            Hope all is going well with F*cked up Fairy Tales. Can’t wait to read the rest of them!!

            September 29, 2013 at 5:35 pm

            • They’re coming along!

              September 29, 2013 at 8:15 pm

  3. Wait – did Steve Perry replace that little Asian fellow(?) from Journey

    September 29, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    • No, he came later. And I only resemble this guy in height.

      September 29, 2013 at 4:40 pm

  4. Well, thank goodness you don’t look like Neal Schon. I still love that dumb song–who else could get away with 2 minutes of song and a minute and a half of na na na na na na?

    September 29, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    • Thank God indeed. I maintain that this is one of the funnest songs to sing, ever.

      September 29, 2013 at 8:09 pm

  5. I support you in your journey to recovery.

    September 29, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    • YES I will, although I am in no RUSH. I’ve found myself in DIRE STRAIGHTS in my past, and all it took for me to get out was a lot of HEART. I intend to KISS my BAD COMPANY goodbye and become the QUEEN of my destiny.


      September 29, 2013 at 8:14 pm

  6. As someone who has a face that seems to remind everyone I meet of someone else, I feel you pain.

    September 29, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    • Now that you are becoming Blogfamous, you are going to be stopped by people saying, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the PMAO dude?”

      September 30, 2013 at 3:41 am

      • I just wish I was as handsome as that guy.

        September 30, 2013 at 9:07 am

        • No one is as handsome as that guy… 😉

          October 2, 2013 at 5:59 pm

        • HA! I even threw in a reference to that Willis guy in my sci-fi novels.

          April 23, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      • And that could never happen… I look nothing like that guy…

        October 1, 2013 at 12:39 am

        • I hear he’s quite tall unless, of course, he’s Photoshopped.

          October 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm

          • Can’t he be tall and Photoshopped???

            October 2, 2013 at 6:11 pm

  7. But are you making better fashion choices than Steve Perry? That’s the burning question.

    September 30, 2013 at 11:10 am

    • “Burning” is right. Did you get a load of those pants?? It makes one wonder how groupies ever got knocked up in the 80’s.

      October 2, 2013 at 6:01 pm

  8. I’ll call you Stephanie.

    September 30, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    • With sideburns. 😉

      October 2, 2013 at 6:02 pm

  9. LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!
    Thank you so much for making my day!!!
    Love it.

    October 2, 2013 at 11:52 am

    • Thanks! Work is finally looking like it might slow down soon and I should be around more often to read and stuff… 🙂

      October 2, 2013 at 6:03 pm

  10. If you can ever spare time from being indispensable, drop in for the blog, and stay for the awards. 😉

    November 8, 2013 at 3:38 am

    • You are too kind, Archon. 🙂

      November 24, 2013 at 4:52 pm

  11. You do not look like Steve Perry.

    November 24, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    • Peel your eyes off my boobs long enough and you’ll see it.

      November 24, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      • Nah. Not so much.

        November 24, 2013 at 5:01 pm

      • Or should I say, “Nah nah na nah nah, na na nah nah nah…”

        Try typing that in under ten seconds.

        November 24, 2013 at 5:06 pm

        • Nope. Too drunk.

          November 24, 2013 at 5:07 pm