The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Twisted Fictioneer Interview with BrainRants

Santa-Claus--5767Today we begin our series of interviews with THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Since today is Christmas I thought it fitting to interview the man who started it all. From his portrayal of a sauced and surly Santa Claus in ICONIC INTERVIEWS to his sometimes caustic, ever rantastic blog(s), to his upcoming take on Jack and the Beanstalk for F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES: Volume II, it seems there’s nothing this blogger can’t or won’t rant about.

So grab a beer and don’t spare the bacon because we’re about to spend Christmas with:


When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

I’ve wanted to write since I was SmallRants. I’m only now getting the freedom of maneuver to explore it. The blog started as practice in the self-discipline of writing. I like to think I’ve got that small part nailed down.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

Genre? I have to pick one? Shit.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

I don’t know yet, honestly. I just signed up for your story and later an idea came. I basically dumped out what was in my head.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

The only answer to that is ‘Fuck you very much.’ I’ve spent over twenty years defending our freedoms, so if they don’t like what I wrote, they can throw the book away. Nobody’s making them read it.

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

English. Still working on that.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

Sorry, I just wet myself laughing because I can’t see anything even remotely resembling art in my story. Like I said, I emptied my head out onto a document.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

Probably some dull report for the Government. Sort of like I do now.


 And now for a little something extra we bring you…



1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

I’m clearly so very easy to get along with…

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

My epic span of patience, which has been measured at .0037 seconds, when dealing with stupid people.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

You really want to know that?

4. Name one person, living or dead, you’d like to take to dinner:

George S. Patton.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

X-Ray vision is tempting, because hooray for boobies! But I think being invisible would be just as useful. I can already turn wine into water like a motherfucker…

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Texas. Loved it there on my first tour.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Steak with my special salad.

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

Tough one. I really wish I had time lately to do any of those three things. Sorry.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Though ‘Elephant Inseminator’ is tempting, I think being a food reviewer and critic would be pretty awesome. Or maybe Galactic Emperor.

10. Your favorite swear word:

You have to ask? “Fuck,” the most versatile word in the world.

Tanks alot Santa1











33 responses

  1. This turned out more awesomer that I had worried about. I have to say, of all the tank pictures I’ve googled, you found one with a Santa in it.

    Thank you! What’s next?

    December 25, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    • Next?

      A blog-off challenge I’m calling RANTING WITH THE REAPER. Bloggers go head to head with Grim on timely topics such as Obamacare and John Mayer. Think you’re up for it?

      December 25, 2013 at 12:33 pm

      • Up? Sure. I have a feeling TGR and I might not have much to differ about.

        December 25, 2013 at 12:35 pm

        • You may be surprised.

          December 25, 2013 at 1:20 pm

          • Now I’m intrigued. I heard he gets baked…

            December 25, 2013 at 2:15 pm

            • Yes, yes he does.

              December 25, 2013 at 5:43 pm

              • I freaking knew it. Pedro told me.

                December 25, 2013 at 9:09 pm

                • Well he would know. He is from Redlands, after all. 😉

                  December 25, 2013 at 9:11 pm

  2. Shoulda asked him what his favorite beer was. Inquiring minds sloshed in holiday spirits want to know.

    December 25, 2013 at 2:00 pm

  3. PS I love your fucking blog. But don’t tell anybody.

    December 25, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    • Thanks! We’ll keep it a secret. 😉

      December 25, 2013 at 2:08 pm

  4. This was awesome-sausage with a side order of greasy giblets and gravy…

    December 25, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    • Knowing Rants, he’d eat that up with a spoon.

      December 25, 2013 at 5:42 pm

  5. A great interview as usual.

    December 25, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    • Thanks. BrainRants is GREAT material.

      December 25, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      • Why do I get the impression I shoud be blushing right now?

        December 26, 2013 at 8:34 am

        • You should. You are awesomesauce!

          December 26, 2013 at 8:39 am

  6. So that’s how it’s done! He makes it look so easy and unrehearsed. 😉

    December 26, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    • Ha! Those are the voices in his head. 😉

      December 27, 2013 at 7:38 am

  7. I thought his dream job would be identifying new conditions for The Psychologists Handbook Of Mental What-TheFuckery.

    Must just be his hobby….

    December 26, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    • I just Googled Psychologists Handbook Of Mental What-TheFuckery.


      December 27, 2013 at 7:40 am

  8. Reblogged this on BrainRants and commented:
    I recently had the opportunity to join a long, long roster of bloggers who are participating in a writing / blogging effort, all for a good cause. I wrote an… interesting… short story that will be forthcoming. In the meantime, visit H.E. Ellis’ page and see the interview! I am officially Twisted!

    December 27, 2013 at 7:25 am

  9. Great interview. Love me some BrainRants!

    December 27, 2013 at 8:29 am

    • I agree!

      He’s also good on toast.

      December 27, 2013 at 8:39 am

    • In a strictly manly, bloggy way…

      December 27, 2013 at 9:48 am