The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

CAPRICORN – The Insipid Wanker of the Blogosphere


In honor of the New Year and for all the impending January birthdays around blogworld (including my own) I’ve decided to draw a parallel between various bloggers and their coordinating astrological signs. I plan on doing one of these at the beginning of every month for each sign, so stick around and see just how close I get to yours.

Today I begin with my own sign which is:


Here is a brief overview of Capricorns in all their glory:

  • They tend to lecture other people about life and how to survive it.
  • They are hard-workers and status seekers.
  • Often mistakenly viewed as “elitists.”
  • Capricorns treat their friends very well and, in some cases, even prefer they company to that of anyone else.
  • Capricorns are deep, mysterious and full of intrigue and there always seems to be something going on in their minds.

Ah, yes…Capricorn. The answer to the question nobody asked.

We’re the bloggers who always have something witty and insightful to say, whether you wanted to hear it or not. We’ve asked all the right questions, know all the right answers and have little time or patience for your opinion on the matter (although secretly we love when you leave comments that allow us to show off our verbal acuity). 

Most of us are ambitious enough to write at least one blog post a day, sometimes more, but never on the same topic. We wax poetic about everything. We enjoy mocking the status quo more than regurgitating it because really, where is the challenge in that? And speaking of challenges, we are all about winning- even in blogworld. We Capricorns believe WordPress should have a little box dedicated just to us and our blog posts. I mean, come on? Who is better at writing anything than we are? Am I right? Am I?

Alright, let’s move on to love and relationships. Here’s what the interwebs have to say about Capricorn men:

“While a Capricorn male might display what could be termed as an aggressive behavior when it comes to getting what he wants, beneath that façade is a shy and introverted guy. Don’t misinterpret his shyness as being disinterested. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions without feeling self-conscious in the process.”

Apparently the Universe has decided that all date-rapists are to be born between December and January. Not being one to judge, let’s hear what the interwebs have got to say about us Capricorn women:

“You want to love and be loved, but when the feeling starts to blossom, something always seems to stop you from acknowledging it and pursuing it.”



It is widely accepted in astrological circles that the best mate for any particular zodiac sign is to be paired with one of his or her own kind. That being said, astrologists everywhere are in agreement that the WORST romantic pairing for a Capricorn is…


So in conclusion, I’ll sum up my evaluation of the Blogger Capricorn with this synopsis of our sign:

“Capricorn has a certain exclusive side to its nature, often preferring to associate itself with people it deems worthy.”

In other words, we know we’re the shit, but we think you are too.

Stay tuned next month for AQUARIUS – THE REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE.

55 responses

  1. As they said in the first movie I went to with my ex-wife, the one where on the way there she just knew she was going to marry me (apparently not stick it out though, ha ha), “Ditto.” This is exactly what I needed tonight.

    January 1, 2014 at 1:14 am

    • Thanks! And I know just what you mean, brotha.

      BTW…what zodiac sign are you? Better yet, list your strongest personality traits and I’ll try to guess.

      January 1, 2014 at 9:20 am

      • Sometimes when I read the horoscope for the superior (vastly) sign that I was born under, I think my parents lied on the birth certificate. Let’s see–despite the fact that I’d just as soon be alone or with one person, I love to and can easily entertain the crowd (if I’ve had enough coffee or a few beers, or both, and am in the mood), I like to tell it like it is (and not give a crap what people think), and, despite the cynicism, depression (or is it just dissatisfaction?) and self-loathing, I’m overconfident, adventurous (well, in the travel sense, not in the trying new things or approaching strangers sense), generous (with kind words, not with my hard-earned cash, who do you take me for?), somewhat superficial, definitely inconsistent, tactless, and restless. I usually read my horoscope (the one with the 1 to 5 stars) just to see how crappy they think my day is gonna be. I figure if there’s ever a one-star day I’m calling in sick. Things may still go to hell at home that day but a day off is still a day off.

        January 2, 2014 at 9:44 pm

        • I’m gonna guess…Sagittarius.

          January 11, 2014 at 5:26 pm

          • “Right on, sister golden hair!” (It’s just something I say) Yeah, we’re the upbeat ones, the life of the party, never a down moment. (If we properly self-medicate)

            January 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

            • Just as I suspected since Sagittarians are awesome! They have a laid back nature which is often mistaken for lazy, despite there being a big difference between the two. A perfect example would be the likeable Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski.

              Sagittarians don’t sweat the small stuff, they get the most out of life and have the least amount of unnecessary self-imposed stress. They are the mellow, philosophical surfer of the Zodiac which is why everyone likes a Sagittarian!

              January 11, 2014 at 6:45 pm

  2. Capricorn over here….funny, and mostly true. I told my wife we were getting married, then proposed three months later (just to make it official and all that).

    January 1, 2014 at 9:12 am

    • I think Capricorns are the best sign, which has nothing to do with the fact that I am one.

      We are hard-working, capable and are able to achieve goals others find daunting or downright impossible.

      In short, we rock.

      January 1, 2014 at 9:22 am

      • True that.

        January 1, 2014 at 9:24 am

    • I am curious to know what sign your wife is. I’ll bet…Taurus.

      January 1, 2014 at 9:23 am

      • Cancer. I had to look it up real quick, lol.

        January 1, 2014 at 9:26 am

        • Let me guess…she is a sweetheart who is highly emotional (although not it a bad way), a sucker for true romance, likes anything vintage and is extraordinarily beautiful. I know you may be thinking that this describes all women, but I am not remotely any one of those things.

          BTW, If I don’t get this right my family’s gonna yank my Gypsy Card, so lie if you gotta.

          January 1, 2014 at 9:31 am

          • No need to lie, you’re close. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, she’s a beauty, and of course the romance. She’s not so much of a vintage gal, more contemporary in taste…but she certainly appreciates it.

            January 1, 2014 at 9:40 am

  3. I have no idea what to say about this. I thought we Aquarians were insipid wankers.

    January 1, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    • No, you are Rebels without clues. STFB for February.

      January 11, 2014 at 5:27 pm

      • I am standing the fuck by.

        January 11, 2014 at 5:31 pm

  4. Well that is just awesome! Oh… wait… it says insipid wanker… I thought that was inspired wanker… never mind…

    January 1, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    • Hm…just what does an “inspired” wanker look like? My vote is for “phallic.”

      January 11, 2014 at 5:30 pm

      • Welll… I am tempted to say you have seen lots of pictures of me…

        January 11, 2014 at 6:00 pm

        • Ha! How uncharacteristically naughty of you! I am so proud.

          January 11, 2014 at 6:36 pm

          • I can be as naughty as the next guy, but my natural maturity and very adult way of expressing myself to the world does not always allow me to get my naughty on.

            January 11, 2014 at 6:37 pm

            • I know what you mean. Believe it or not I embarrass very easily, so I often will hold back on what I say out of fear that someone will amp up the “naughty” and I’ll be too nervous to respond. I’m definitely the “dish it out but can’t take it” type.

              January 11, 2014 at 6:48 pm

              • I am really very shy… until I get to know someone, then I won’t shut up. And I do try to keep my blog family friendly more or less, and if I give my minions an inch, they get all crazy…

                January 11, 2014 at 6:51 pm

                • Minions getting crazy, huh? The shit you say… 😉

                  January 11, 2014 at 6:59 pm

                  • They are dirty minded little freaks.

                    January 11, 2014 at 7:14 pm

  5. Virgo is with out a doubt the greatest of all the signs. Taurus is probably the worst but only if you don’t include the Mel Gibson Alien flick “Signs”. Fun facts about Virgo: 1.Jesus Christ was a Virgo. 2. People born under the sign of Virgo are naturally good dancers, both the Lambada(forbidden dance) and the Electric Slide were created by Virgos. 3. Virgo is the most racially diverse sign, we accept everybody from all walks of life…..unlike Libra, who is known for not liking Mexicans(but you didn’t hear that from me)

    January 1, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    • Virgos are also good tippers, although they do leave the biggest messes. They watch nature shows religiously and almost never pour ketchup over steak.

      They do, however, come with a downside: their highly emotional nature makes them susceptible to advertising and marketing ploys. It’s well documented that Virgos are the most prevalent sign amongst Heineken drinkers, Team Edward fans and affiliates of the Tea Bag Party.

      January 11, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      • I certainly can’t speak on behalf of all Virgos but yes, I am an exceptionally good tipper. Growing up in Texas(the only state that should be its own nation) we spent many a night going out in the fields to look for mushrooms and partake in a little coming of age event we liked to call “pushing over a cow” but is known by most people as “Cow Tipping.”
        I must tell you though, in order to do a successful Cow Tip, one must give at least 10 to 15 percent and it usually ends up being a very expensive night for all involved.
        So yeah….you got that right, I’m a great tipper.

        January 11, 2014 at 8:32 pm

        • How very enlightening! Isn’t it amazing how one’s zodiac sign influences their everyday life? For example, my Ex is an Aries who lived in San Francisco for a while. His family founded a company that packaged fudge.

          January 11, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      • As for leaving the biggest messes, I’m very neat and tidy, but I do tend to leave quite the emotional mess, just ask any of my ex girlfriends……I once had a horrible habit of ending all my sexual encounters with the words “You just got Virgoed.”

        January 11, 2014 at 8:36 pm

        • They should be thankful they didn’t get “Capricorned.” Not a pleasant experience from what I hear.

          January 11, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      • I’m mostly agnostic when it comes to nature shows and wouldn’t dream of pouring Ketchup over steak. As for our problems with advertising and marketing and it being the sole downside to a Virgo, all I can say is……great. I mean, I’ll take that downside any day over Cancers well documented thievery issues and Scorpios horrendous 22 day menstruation period during the months of July and October(after dealing with one Scorpio last July and losing my sense of smell because of it I will gladly take a Virgos obsessiveness over the super bowl commercials any day to a Jason Vorhees like Scorpios month of July)
        And while I like Edward Norton as an actor I wouldn’t really consider myself a part of “Team Edward”.
        I do love tea though….

        January 11, 2014 at 8:59 pm

  6. You make Capricorns sound so awesome, like unicorns, or popcorn, or high fructose corn syrup.

    January 1, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    • Or conch fritters, or Akira Kurosawa, or…I think that’s it. It’s hard to make anything sound as awesome as a Capricorn.

      January 11, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      • Seven Samurai! Fuck yes!

        January 11, 2014 at 6:13 pm

        • Like Kurosawa I make mad films…okay, I don’t make films, but if I did they’d have a Samurai.

          January 11, 2014 at 6:32 pm

          • And ninjas named Ivan!

            January 11, 2014 at 7:21 pm

            • IVAN IS THE BEST NAME EVER!!!

              January 11, 2014 at 7:28 pm

              • Why? Do you think it makes the person sound big and badass or something?

                January 11, 2014 at 8:23 pm

                • Yes, but more importantly, it makes them sound TALL.

                  January 11, 2014 at 8:35 pm

      • Capricorn pissing rainbows.

        January 12, 2014 at 12:11 am

        • Hmm…a half goat, half fish creature pissing rainbows….I can hardly imagine it.

          January 13, 2014 at 9:23 pm

          • Did you just read your horoscope

            January 14, 2014 at 6:25 am

            • Yes I did, and I understand completely.

              January 14, 2014 at 6:40 am

  7. Did you forget to list their self-effacing modesty, or were you just being modest? 😕

    January 2, 2014 at 2:11 am

    • I forgot to mention that Capricorns are often times forgetful.

      Ba dum bum.

      January 11, 2014 at 5:46 pm

  8. I know nothing about Capricorns, so I have to take your word for it…wanker. On the other hand, I’m on the cusp of a Leo and Cancer and am married to a Leo, so…yeah. Awesome.

    January 2, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    • So you are married to a Leo while you yourself are Leo-adjacent? Wow…

      How do you decide which one of you bails the other out of jail? I say this only because Leos are legendary partiers.

      Oh I am going to have all sorts of fun writing that blog post!

      January 11, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      • Since Hubby is the cop, I’m thinking he bails me out…hmmm….

        January 13, 2014 at 2:16 pm

        • I KNEW IT!!! 🙂

          January 13, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    • That’s a slick answer to a chlinengalg question

      April 24, 2014 at 7:05 pm

  9. I love how everyone thinks their sign is the best. It’s so, cute, I suppose, how wrong eleven-twelfths of you are.

    January 2, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    • Ha! I saw what you did there.

      January 11, 2014 at 5:49 pm

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    April 30, 2014 at 9:08 pm