The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

I Prank You Not

In recognition of April Fool’s Day I scored a rare opportunity to sit down with the God of Mischief, Loki.

HE: “Hello Loki. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me and my readers.”

LOKI: “Hi.”

HE: “Uh, that’s it? ‘Hi?’”

LOKI: “Well, I’ve got a lot on my plate. You do realize what day this is, right? Nice fucking time management there, Chickie.”

HE: *looking at the calendar* “Well, since it’s April Fool’s Day I am going to assume you are joking.”

LOKI: “You would think so, wouldn’t you?”

HE: “I am guessing that April Fool’s Day is the busiest day of the year for you.”

LOKI: “No, that’d be Valentine’s Day. People say a lot of shit they don’t mean which makes for a lot of lies to distribute. Especially to the men folk.”

HE: “That’s just sad.”

LOKI: “I’ll tell you what’s sad, having a God like Odin as your step-father. Growing up I never did anything right.”

HE: “On that note, tell us about your childhood.”

LOKI: “What’s there to tell? I was always in trouble since my dickhead brother Thor is a cock-blocking douchebag. I got him back good by convincing Odin that his perfect son wasn’t worthy of living in Asgard so he kicked him out. Now I got the big bedroom.”

HE: “Holy crap! How did you manage that?”

LOKI: “Let’s just say I hid some of our Mother’s more “intimate apparel” in his sock drawer. You do the math.”

HE: “It seems pranking and lying started at an early age. Have any of your lies ever backfired on you?”

LOKI: *laughs maniacally* “No, but the truth sure has.”

HE: “Alright, you’ve GOT to elaborate on that.”

LOKI: “Well, my mouth gets me into trouble, you see. One Thanksgiving I got ripped on Jager and told my whole family off, including my two ex-wives. Every word I spoke was the truth, but it didn’t change the fact I had to transform into a fish and hide in a river to get away from them. Shoulda just stuck to lying.”

HE: “You are known world wide for your practical jokes and pranks. Which prank do you consider your masterpiece?”

LOKI: “Pranks change with the times. I had a blast fucking with the Druids by stacking a bunch of rocks for no reason and then there were those IT virgins who blew their wads worrying about Y2K. That one was a double bonus because it also got the Military’s panties in a bunch sweating random nuclear missile launches. But I’d have to say that the best has yet to come.”

HE: “Come on, give us a hint.”

LOKI: “Uh…I’ll just say to keep a watch out for December 21, 2012.”

HE: “Are all the pranks you do so grand or do you work on a more personal level with the public?”

LOKI: “At times I like to dabble in the everyday, like when one sock goes missing or when you ‘accidently’ hit Reply All on that email where you trash your boss. But remember, I still have to make a living. Right now I am the major shareholder in Pfizer, a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a little, blue pill.”

HE: “Are there any pranks you regret?”

LOKI: “Non-Alcoholic beer and Star Trek. Never thought anyone would take that shit seriously.”

HE: “What is the one thing you would like the world to know about Loki?”

LOKI: “That I am everywhere. I am a shape shifter, after all. That woman you meet in the bar that is too good to be true? She probably is. Just sayin’.”

Return April 20th  for our exclusive interview with The Easter Bunny!!!

23 responses

  1. Once, someone tried to April Fool me with unexpected pregnancy news. Totally epic, but kind of awesome. 😉

    April 1, 2014 at 7:07 am

    • Or something like that, yes.

      April 21, 2014 at 9:35 am

  2. Let me guess: you didn’t fall for it, did you?

    April 1, 2014 at 7:15 am

    • Not even close. The irony of the situation was, I wouldn’t have minded were it true.

      April 1, 2014 at 11:47 am

      • Next year she ought to drop a REAL bomb on you, like that she’s really a NAVY fan or something.

        April 1, 2014 at 12:34 pm

        • Or I could come out as a Red Sox fan.

          April 1, 2014 at 2:34 pm

          • Pace yourself. The Red Sox aren’t for everyone, Padawan.

            April 2, 2014 at 8:31 am

            • Get back. I’m a Raiders fan, so I know the agony of one-title-a-decade fandom.

              April 2, 2014 at 9:47 am

              • Ahh…yes, that you do. 😦

                April 2, 2014 at 10:29 am

                • Army. Don’t forget Army… 😐

                  April 2, 2014 at 10:33 am

  3. Valentine’s day… HA! non alcoholic beer… yes… but Star Trek? Really?

    April 1, 2014 at 11:05 am

  4. Any chance we can get Loki back to pranking ordinary people one at a time, and get him to stop working for government?
    (At least, I hope his hand is why it’s such a mess in DC…)

    April 1, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    • Did you actually just slag DC in front of me?

      April 1, 2014 at 9:22 pm

      • “Slag.” Awesome word!

        April 2, 2014 at 8:32 am

        • I always liked it…

          April 2, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    • Yeah, Loki generally stays clear of DC. They do alright pranking themselves. 😉

      April 2, 2014 at 8:31 am

      • Wish I could steer clear of D.C. …
        “Every time I break away, the bastards keep PULLING ME BACK!!!”
        – Pacino, GFIII

        April 3, 2014 at 12:49 am

        • “Daddy, would you like some sausage?”

          -Green, FGF

          April 3, 2014 at 5:47 am

          • I’m lost. You win.

            April 3, 2014 at 8:29 am

  5. BTW, thanx for the groovy music. Haven’t listened to Brubeck in years.

    April 3, 2014 at 2:58 am

    • Oh yeah. I love me some jazz. I’ll have to get Charlie Mingus in there soon.

      April 3, 2014 at 5:48 am