The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s the Easter Bunn–uh…Wallaby?

Spring has finally sprung, and with it our interview with everyone’s childhood favorite, the Easter Bunny.

Determined to get an interview with this elusive holiday icon, I cornered him in his underground den and discovered something I’d not expected. I open today’s interview with the question that should have been asked ages ago:

HE: Say…you aren’t really a bunny, are you?

EB: Well Maybe it is time to come clean, if you wanna call me a Bunny go ahead but being a Bunny is not very useful when you deliver eggs is it! I am a Wallaby, you see, I can put all the eggs in my pouch and then I don’t have to go back and forth with my basket. I am all about convenience, you know what I mean.

HE: What made you decide to color and hide eggs?

EB: Shots. In my College years (I did not do much studying) my friends and I enjoyed colorful shots. So I now pick colors by having a shot, coloring an egg, different coloured shot, and different colored eggs. The hiding part is a long story about my friend and his … well it’s a long story.

HE: How do you feel about children eating chocolate likenesses of you?

EB: As we have just been through, I am not a Bunny, never will be because it will never be practical! So the Kiddywinks can eat as many chocolate bunnies as they please.                        

HE: How do you feel about sharing a holiday with Jesus?

EB: My mum once told me that story, I did not really understand it, and I mean it’s a bit gloomy for a Holiday all about the Kids, you know? Plus to me, chocolate crosses would be awful to make and color, all that blood and gore is for Halloween, not my holiday.

HE: Is there more than one Easter Bunny?
EB: If you call me a Bunny one more time, you will be getting nothing! And no, I am the one and the only, mostly because nobody likes the low pay and low hours. I wish sometimes that I had maybe an Easter Camel, so I could pack even more eggs or a Donkey, Donkeys can carry a lot of stuff, even pregnant women I have heard.

HE: Did you want to be an Easter Bunny when you were a kid…uh, a joey?

EB: No, as I have said I went to College, I just didn’t do well, this was my fall back, I wanted to be a Football Mascot but I do not think there is much call for a Wallaby, maybe if I was a Dolphin or A Ram! I mean have you ever heard of a Wallaby before today?! Do you even know what I look like?!

HE: What do you do when you aren’t hiding eggs?

EB: Nothing, I drink, I try and think of new ideas for next year but with 5 joeys at home and one on the way, thinking does not happen a lot.

Thank you, Easter Bun–Wallaby, for this timely and insightful interview. Return April 22nd as we celebrate Earth Day with none other that Gaia herself!

9 responses

  1. I’m pretty sure this Easter “bunny” is going to hell. Chocolate crosses indeed… Actually, I’d like to see a pay-per-view contest between Jesus and the Easter bunny. I would watch the hell out of that.

    April 20, 2014 at 12:21 am

    • And…now I am writing another book.

      April 22, 2014 at 6:56 pm

  2. There is weird stuff going on inside your head… yay

    April 20, 2014 at 11:31 am

    • It is a big, scary place in there.

      April 22, 2014 at 7:04 pm

      • If our heads could merge like two big amoebas…

        April 22, 2014 at 9:48 pm

  3. I for one want chocolate crosses. I think we should have chocolate Jesuses, too, because we can eat a rabbit, but not a Jesus? Really? It’s okay to call a saltine his body… stopping now.

    I want pictures of Jesus photobombing people.

    April 20, 2014 at 11:40 am

    • Wow…that’s a lot of opinion for a non-Catholic to have!

      April 22, 2014 at 7:14 pm

      • Yeah, I’m full of… well, a lot.

        April 23, 2014 at 3:10 pm