The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Earth Day Interview With Gaia

In celebration of Earth Day I’ve decided to take a moment to sit down with Gaia, the Earth Goddess. Hello, Gaia. Thank you for sitting down with us today.

Oh it’s so good to be here, or anywhere for that matter. And thank you for celebrating Earth Day. It’s a small step towards saving my beautiful creation. So many people are so fucking oblivious to what is happening to this magnificent planet it boggles the mind, so thank you for the opportunity to shed a bit of light.

It’s been an unusually warm winter here in the United States. What do you attribute that to?

Well, I certainly had nothing to do with it despite what Zeus may have told you. He tried to tell me I was just having a primordial hot flash, but he’s almost as stupid about these things as most of the people on the planet.  You people need to get your heads out of your collective asses and get a fucking clue. Do you think that over a century of burning coal and gas while at the same time  cutting down my beautiful trees on a massive scale is having no effect on the atmosphere? If you don’t get your act together soon, the Earth is going to resemble Venus.

The world’s population is about to reach seven billion people. How has this affected Earth as you see it?

It’s making it damn hard for me to see the Earth. You know, almost all of the world’s problems can be attributed to one thing – too many people.  When birth control was invented I thought you’d at least have the good sense to use it. But noooo. And now, people are a planetary problem. At least most of you seem to congregate in the same areas so there are still a few pristine places where you can experience this beautiful planet in all its glory.

You have quite the following among the New Age Hippie crowd. Which do you prefer as worshipers; the Hippies or the Greeks?

Ahhh, the Greeks – the wine, the debauchery, the bacchanalia – I love me a good bacchanalia. But then the Hippies, and not just the new age Hippies, but the old age ones, too, are all about peace and love and sex and getting high and hugging trees and the music.  Yes, I think the music  tips the scale in their favor.

I’ve done some research and discovered that you have over twenty children. Which one is your favorite?

I think it was way more than twenty but I lost count of the little bastards long ago. I know most mothers don’t refer to their offspring as little bastards but I never married any of their fathers, so they were all technically bastards.  Now I’m not going to give you the standard mommy lie of ‘I don’t have a favorite, I love them all the same,’ because that is such a crock of shit. Of course, every mother has a favorite, it’s just that some mothers are better at hiding it than others.  I simply adored Phoebe but Aergia was a huge disappointment.

Which God was the best in the sack?

Ahhh, I had some wild times with Uranus. There was nothing that guy wouldn’t do. And I mean NOTHING. It was SO hot! But he got a little mean in his old age so I got the kids to kill him.  Pontus was so much fun, too. We would do some role playing, the pirate scenario was my favorite – always a hoot.  Zeus had a huge ego, but sadly his manly parts weren’t so big.

How does it feel to be the original MILF?

Fucking fantastic! Though I prefer GILF or Goddess I’d Like to Fuck. There is fucking power in being so fuckable. Every woman deserves to feel like this. I think that’s what all those poser Wicca chicks are trying to achieve by invoking my name and dancing naked under the full moon.

What does Earth’s future hold for mankind?

I think you have that question backwards. It’s more a case of what does mankind’s future hold for the Earth. If you stay on your current path, the Earth is doomed.  Earth is the only fucking planet you have. It is a glorious planet full of beauty and wonder. It can feed you and sustain you. All she asks in return is that you take care of her and nurture her. So get a fucking clue. Recycle, reuse, embrace sustainable farming, find viable sustainable energy,  clean up the place. Tread lightly on the Earth and every now and then hug a tree.


12 responses

  1. I’m hugging every tree in my yard today and I’ll hug more as long as they don’t make me late for work – 🙂 I’ll hug those trees later today!
    here’s to a healthy planet!

    April 22, 2014 at 6:18 am

    • Yes, I am recycling extra hard today!

      April 22, 2014 at 6:53 pm

      • Me too!
        My daughter had her 16th B’earthday today!

        April 22, 2014 at 8:25 pm

  2. Primordial hot flash… HA!

    April 22, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    • Those are the worst kind!

      April 22, 2014 at 6:54 pm

      • One can only imagine…

        April 22, 2014 at 6:54 pm

        • I am a lot closer to that stage of my life than I like to think about.

          April 22, 2014 at 7:16 pm

          • I know what you mean… sort of…

            April 22, 2014 at 9:49 pm

  3. Before I clicked on this, I knew some kind of anus would show up. I just knew it. Earth day sucks! Every day is earth day, come on.

    You, sir, have friends in high places. And I mean high.

    April 22, 2014 at 10:21 pm

  4. Yay Earth! I tend to disagree about the “warm” winter… but then maybe Kansas is colder than New Hampster…

    April 23, 2014 at 4:55 pm

  5. while it may be unusually warm in the US of A…it certainly hasn’t been seasonal up here in Canada. Today is May 12, and we are still in the low 40’s….and with the cold north westerlies, that is even colder. if you could send some warmer weather up here it would be greatly appreciated…

    May 12, 2014 at 1:17 pm

  6. News of my death has been exaggerated – not greatly, but I’m still reading ’em almost as fast as you’re publishing ’em.
    Isn’t that SightsNBytes one handsome Newfie? I don’t dare go naked like that. When I was a kid, my mom had to hang a pork chop around my neck, so that the dog would play with me. Now I have to hold up a kitten so that folks will look at me.
    I thought you were in town today. I followed a car with a “Honda of Keene” licence plate ring. Just down the street from you, so to speak.
    I wish you had more time to come out and play again, but being Earthly Empress is a busy job. 🙂

    June 18, 2014 at 3:25 am