The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Hellis Gets a New Phone and Havoc Ensues

Listen up, guys. Here’s how it all went down.

My former employer requested that I return all equipment assigned to me to perform my job remotely, i.e. laptop and cellphone (the Fascists). Since I do not enjoy being sans communication, I bought myself a brand new phone which came with a brand new number.

Soon I started getting texts from a random person looking to contact “Cindy” who I can only assume had the number before me. Not wanting to be rude, I made a couple of cheesy jokes about the fact that I was not the person they were looking for. Naturally, I deleted those texts thinking this person would get the hint and not contact me again. Then this happened:

CD1 - Copy


At this point I was not sure how crazy or sane this person might be, and thought that if I instigated them further, they could be dangerous. As I saw it, I had two choices to make. I could either:

A) Ignore this person entirely or:

B) Engage them for my own amusement

Guess which option I chose?

CD2 - Copy

Before you ask, no- I did not get married. But any female will tell you that even the most aggressive of men will back off once he has been told another man has claimed you for his own.

Or so I thought:

CD3 - Copy

*cue salivation*

People, this was just too much awesome for me to resist. Yes, this could have been a crazed stalker/killer/WoWfan, but how could I possibly resist the temptation of indulging in hilarious mindfuckery? I mean, come on! I’m only human!

Since I have had vast experience in dealing with blog trolls and the mentally unhinged, I decided to respond in a way that I have found effective in the past: Enter SciFi:

CD4 - Copy

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?? How could this Nerf Herder deny my obvious attempt to rebuff his advances? Even a Trekkie would have picked up what I was putting down! Screw interstellar space-talk. It was time to go old school and get all Hellis on his ass:

CD6 - Copy

Predictably, our Man of the Hour decided to call it a night. As for Cindy, I hope she is somewhere happy and safe with her new phone. As for me, well…I pray Cindy hands out a lot more bitch digits because next time, I’m gonna reply as “Lokepa.”

14 responses

  1. You used “bloody hell,” “nerf herder,” and “ass” in one paragraph. Are you like, a writer or what? I’m smitten. ❤

    August 17, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    • What sorcery is this? How did you make that little heart shaped emoticon?

      August 18, 2014 at 6:20 am

      • I can make a burrito too.

        August 18, 2014 at 7:56 am

  2. A skill that is clearly needed at the Pentagon. Alright, let me try:



    August 18, 2014 at 8:15 am

  3. I didn’t appreciate the brush off.

    August 18, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    • Apparently I am more woman than you can handle, John. A LOT more.

      August 18, 2014 at 1:38 pm

  4. oh man… that is exactly how I would have handled it…

    August 18, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    • It’s scary how alike we are. 🙂

      August 18, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      • It really is… more for you, I would imagine.

        August 18, 2014 at 6:00 pm

        • No, no. I consider myself in good company. 🙂

          August 18, 2014 at 7:37 pm

  5. Pingback: Hellis Breaks Her Phone And Humiliates Herself | H.E. ELLIS

    • Micah Kipfer

      Is that right?

      September 22, 2014 at 9:17 pm

      • It is indeed!

        September 23, 2014 at 12:14 pm