The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

SciFi Face-Off!

Today I have decided to pay homage to the late, great Gene Roddenberry on what would have been his 93rd birthday by conducting an interview I believe he might have enjoyed. Now I ask you, what better way to pay tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the SciFi genre than to have a face-off of Starship Captains? Ladies and gentlemen I give you…


Q: Which species makes a better First Officer, Human or Vulcan?

KIRK: A Vulcan makes the better officer because they use logic rather than emotion to guide their decisions.

PICARD: Generally speaking, Kirk’s right. On the other hand, I cannot speak highly enough of my very human first officer. Once he finally was able to remove that giant stick from his ass and relax a little bit, he turned out all right.

Q: What is the most important quality a Starship Captain must have?

KIRK: The most important quality a starship captain must have is the ability to love females of any species.

PICARD: Diplomacy, which basically is the art of telling someone to suck your cock with such tact and charm that they actually apply lipstick first regardless of gender or race, they sell tickets beforehand, and thank you when it’s over.

Q: The better date: Green Orion Slave woman, or hot human?

KIRK: Green Orion Slave women are the best! Man, there is nothing those girls will not do! Did you know that Green Orion Women have two vaginas? Little known fact!

PICARD: So, you fail twice? By the way, they have an ointment for that rash you’ve been complaining about. As for who makes the better date….have you *BEEN* to Risa? Jamaharon to the Bone, yo.

Q: The worst thing about dealing with Starfleet Command is ___ ?

KIRK: Starfleet Command are a bunch of pussies. If they let us annihilate the Klingons like we wanted to, the Romulans would think twice before attacking us again.

PICARD: I don’t know that I’d have phrased it quite that way, but I’m forced to agree with the good captain. Oh, fuck it: Starfleet Command is run by a bunch of spineless twat-waffles who can’t find their balls with both hands and a tricorder.

Q: Which is the better ride: The classic NCC-1701 or the NCC-1701D?

KIRK: The NCC-1701 of course! The 1701D is for pansies! Scotty would never be caught dead in the engine room of that bomb!

PICARD: The Constitution-class starships are beautiful vessels from a bygone era that I for one believe to be full of adventure, wonder, and excitement. To have been alive in those days, exploring the vast, unknown frontier? I envy those like James Kirk and the ships they commanded. That said, have you *seen* my fucking ship? It’s got phasers and photon torpedoes out the ass! It comes apart so it can kick your ass *twice* as much. And it’s huge! Don’t believe your girlfriend, Kirk, even if she is Orion: Size does matter.

Q: Marooned on a deserted planet, the three things I have to have are?

KIRK: A Green Orion Slave woman, Yeoman Janice Rand, and Cloud Dweller Droxine. Need  I say more?

PICARD: A whole planet to myself? Wonderful! I’m overdue for a good vacation. I’ll take my Collected Shakespeare book, my tea, and my flute. On second thought…I’d like to meet this Droxine. And change my book selection to the Kama Sutra.

Q: I’d rather take on in a bar fight: a Cardassian or a Romulan?

KIRK: As easy as it is to beat the crap out of a Cardassian, I would much rather fight a Romulan. Romulans put up a much better fight. Can’t trust those Cardassians, they fight dirty as hell.

PICARD: He’s right about the Cardassians. Sneaky bastards, every single one of them. Romulans can fight well enough, but they’re always so worried about mussing their hair. Now, if you want a real fight, try taking on a Nausicaan. I’ve never lived that one down. And don’t even get me started on the Borg. *THOSE* guys were assholes.

Q: Which is more technically challenging, slingshotting a starship backward in time or dislocating it to an alternate universe?

KIRK: Neither actually. You want technically challenging? Try listening to Spock and Bones for five consecutive years, now that is a challenge!

PICARD: I must side with my esteemed colleague on this matter. Time travel or having your ship flung to the far side of the universe is nothing compared to having to deal with a snotty teenager who thinks he knows everything, and whom you can’t toss out the nearest airlock because you’re trying to get in his mother’s pants. Awkward.

Q: Which is more irritating, tribbles or Ferengi?

KIRK: The Ferengi  are okay, they remind me  of my Uncle Wilbur. Tribbles can really annoy you, and they multipy faster than Romulian rabbits. God  I hate those furry little creatures! Do you know that they ate five years worth of grain? Try exploring the universe without your daily fiber! I was constipated for three years. Damn Tribbles!

PICARD: Can I reuse my snotty teenager answer here?

Q: You’re approached by Q, who is feeling generous and unmalicious – what gift of ability do you ask him for?

KIRK: Ah Q. I heard John Luc complain of the guy. A gift? well for John Luc, he can give him the Shatner 2000, the most futuristic hairpiece in the universe. Oh, and ability. I was sidetracked with the Green Orion Slave woman…she was a barrel of fun. I guess if I met this Q guy I would ask for the ability to give those Green Orion Slave women  an orgasm. Did I mention that they had two vaginas? Try giving one of those women an orgasm. They don’t need one orgasm, they need two, one for each vagina.

PICARD: I require no hairpiece, young man. I’m quite comfortable with my appearance. Besides, chicks dig the smoothness. As for a gift, if I was forced to limit myself to just one thing, it would be the ability to go back and correct certain mistakes I’ve made during the course of my life. Barring that, I’d settle for just being able to go back and hide the evidence and bury the goddamned bodies. Oh, and I’d ask Q to give Kirk that ointment for his rash, which seems to be flaring up just now.

By the way, Kirk…get with me after the show. I can teach you what you need to know about those Orion women. Two words: “Vulcan Shocker.”

Thank you Sightsnbytes (Kirk) and Dayton Ward (Picard) for contributing to our Intergalactic Battle Royale!


62 responses

  1. Oh I love this! 😀 …. When did you become a trekkie btw ?!

    August 19, 2012 at 12:55 am

    • What can I say? It grew on me.

      August 19, 2012 at 9:16 pm

  2. Edward Hotspur

    You are the sweetest and awesomest person on the planet. I even took a shower and put on fresh panties for this comment.

    Which will end up in your spam. Sigh.

    August 19, 2012 at 1:14 am

  3. I think Roddenberrys ashes are spinning in orbit in whatever jar they launched them in.

    August 19, 2012 at 1:47 am

  4. And I have to ask – how much time did you spend researching this?

    August 19, 2012 at 1:51 am

    • You might be surprised to learn how many anonymous bloggers out there are closet Trekkies.

      August 19, 2012 at 9:18 pm

      • TomEliasWriter


        August 21, 2012 at 2:29 am

  5. er…what pics? I don’t see any pics to click on????

    August 19, 2012 at 8:07 am

    • never mind. thought they were bullets….never knew Hotspur was a trekkie!

      August 19, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      • Edward Hotspur

        Hell yeah! Star Trek’s plot holes and inconsistencies are way smaller than Star Wars’

        August 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

      • He’s something, alright. 🙂

        August 19, 2012 at 9:19 pm

  6. Pingback: It’s captain vs. captain! | The Fog of Ward.

  7. Never watched the “new” Star Trek, but this was great. That is definitely the definition of diplomacy, all right.

    August 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    • It is possible to suck cock in space? I wonder…

      August 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm

  8. It’s probably been a year for your blog by now, so happy one year blog anniversary!

    August 19, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    • It is! Thanks!

      August 28, 2012 at 9:47 am

  9. Ok screw all this, bring on 7 of 9 the only reason for watching any of the trekking.

    August 19, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    • Ah…I bet she’d be able to answer the question I posed above.

      August 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm

      • If she can’t answer yet, I’m willing to let her try.

        August 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

        • Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 assimilated 8 and 9.

          August 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

  10. Come clean HR, you are a Ferengi, aren’t you

    August 20, 2012 at 6:14 am

  11. A race of self centerd con-men who always think of getting there earlobes rubbed by beautiful women… yeah!

    August 20, 2012 at 10:00 am

    • I understood none of this. Clearly I have not paid close enough attention.

      August 20, 2012 at 10:01 am

  12. I was right! Ha

    August 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    • What I meant was who are these, what did you call them? Fredingery or something? I never heard of these things. I was at the gym.

      August 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

      • Sure you were…

        August 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm

  13. I have a feeling I am the only one who ends up with comment moderation automatically. I BLAME GLEE !!!!

    August 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    • I told you I have no idea why it does that!

      August 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

  14. dont blame H.E…..the reason for comment moderation was that Spock’s Tri-corder went crazy when you posted…its a Trekkie thing

    August 20, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    • BEST. COMMENT. EVER!!!!!

      August 20, 2012 at 7:19 pm

      • I thought it had to do with the red shirt I was wearing today. 😦

        August 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

        • You know what that means, don’t you?

          That means watch your back because no court of law can convict me! It’s red shirt destiny!

          August 20, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  15. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! « H.E. ELLIS

  16. Pingback: An Iconic Birthday! (Bigger than Arbor Day, Even!) | Guapola

  17. Pingback: Iconic Interviews – The Book! | H.E. ELLIS

  18. Reblogged this on The Fog of Ward and commented:
    It’s Kirk vs Picard. Because WHY NOT?

    August 19, 2013 at 11:09 am

    • Awesome does exist in Space.

      August 19, 2013 at 8:04 pm

  19. Maybe the best post in the history of the universe.

    August 19, 2013 at 12:49 pm

  20. Just checked out your blog and thoroughly enjoyed this post! Thanks for making me laugh on a crappy Tuesday.

    August 20, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    • Hm…your generic Gravatar makes me think you are a spam whore, but your oddly specific comment about “crappy Tuesday” makes me cautiously optimistic in regards to your human-ness. I must research if indeed August 20, 2013 fell on a Tuesday.

      Stand by…

      August 19, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      • Well Kristin Pham, you lucked out. August 20, 2013 did indeed fall on a Tuesday, so I will let this comment pass this time. But I’ll be watching you.

        August 19, 2014 at 3:55 pm

  21. Wow! Made it to a re-blog! I am honoured, honest! now Beam me up Scotty!

    August 24, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    • Hey! This is from last year and I missed it. I suck!

      August 19, 2014 at 3:51 pm

  22. Anything Star Trek is always awesome. I need to know how you reblogged this without the irritating reblog format.
    Live long and prosper; I know the Vulcan Shocker…

    August 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    • Vulcan Shocker, huh? Just what did they teach you at West Point?? BTW, isn’t VULCAN SHOCKER a contradiction in terms?

      As for the reblog, I just went into EDIT mode and changed the PUBLISH date to today. I can also make a burrito:



      August 19, 2014 at 3:58 pm

      • 🌯
        Made with my special bean recipe.

        August 19, 2014 at 4:18 pm

        • I bet you say that to all the girls.

          August 19, 2014 at 4:34 pm

          • No, just the ones that really matter 🙂

            August 19, 2014 at 4:49 pm

  23. As the guy in Jurassic Park said right before he was disemboweled, “Clever girl!” I didn’t realize, till I saw the pic of my ugly mug on here in the comments from two years ago, that you ran this back then. You don’t rerun all your posts on their anniversaries, do you? It’s gon’ be crowded.
    (No, I do NOT speculate that you resemble a dinosaur–unless they had ones that resembled a female Steve Perry??)
    “So you fail twice?” Great comeback by Jean-Luc.

    August 20, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    • I suppose I wouldn’t rerun them again, but it’s hard to improve on the original. 🙂

      Now I feel compelled to search the Google for memes belonging to a female Steve Perry dinosaur hybrid. Let me tell you that if none exist, Ima gonna make one.

      August 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm