The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Hellis Cures Insomnia With…Murder

17238374-lBear with me while I explain the title of this post. I suffer from bouts of insomnia which leave me with a lot of unstructured time on my hands. This is not a good thing, because I have yet to find a constructive way to fill that time. In other words, I don’t always make healthy choices.

So this opening is not doing much to alleviate doubts about my current mental state or potential guilt. Let me begin again:

My daughter has wanted to become a forensic anthropologist since she was old enough to figure out what one was (or sit through an entire episode of BONES). Last week she told me about an HBO program she saw advertised that she wanted to watch called AUTOPSY. Even though she is a high school freshman, my daughter knows she needs me to screen television shows in order to decide if they are appropriate for her to watch. Luckily for me, my cable provider puts their television shows online, so I propped up my laptop on my nightstand and set out to watch the latest episode of AUTOPSY. That’s when something amazing happened:

I fell asleep.

That’s right- not ten minutes into that show I was coma bound. I woke up about an hour later to find that the episode had played straight through to the end. Not wanting to miss out on a good thing, I “rewound” the episode (my fellow geriatrics know what I mean) and started it from the beginning. You know what happened? I fell asleep again. Even better, I woke up, restarted the program and then fell asleep once more that night, and the following night, and every night for the next three days.

Now, if you’ve never dealt with ever been tortured by insomnia, starting a show over and over probably sounds like a tedious solution. But if you are like me, someone with whom absolutely no remedy whatsoever has worked, then you understand how something as simple as watching a television show is like God himself reaching down from Heaven and rewiring my brain. It wasn’t a perfect solution and sure, I was a little disturbed over the fact that of all things it was a show about autopsies that soothed my ailing mind. But I wasn’t going to let that get to me. Reaching a judgment about my relative state of mind would be the job of my Xfinity Cable Customer Service Representative.

You see, nothing good can just happen to me because God is dick.  Yeah, I said it. God is nothing more than a bored frat kid who elbows his buddy and says, “Dude, watch this shit.” And with a belch of his Jager-stank breath, he commands there be no more AUTOPSY for Hellis. Oh, there’s an AUTOPSY alright, in that the program is available to watch, it’s just that I cannot access it. So I decide to give a different program a try, something edgy and dark and scientific should do the trick, right? Wrong. I watched Doctor Who straight through without so much as a yawn. With that I gave up on television and picked up my phone instead (another bad decision, but that is a topic for another post).

The next morning I called my cable provider and was connected to Chelsea, a sweet southern belle of a customer service representative who was oh so eager to help me. That is until she pulled up my account information and figured out what the problem was. Since a picture is worth a thousand words I’ve included a capture of the screen that accompanied her epic inhale.


What you are seeing is a summary of my viewing history; every day, for four straight days, the same episode of AUTOPSY played through to the end, over, and over, and over again. I’m going to give you a moment to let the reality of what I did sink in, or more importantly, how my obsessive revisiting of the same episode of AUTOPSY like Hannibal Lecter with his favorite trophy ball sack might look to a girl who, with my luck, is probably both a Christian and a psych major.

Chelsea delicately explained to me that because I played the same program through to the end over, and over, and over, that the system “locked” me out of the episode. All I had to do was erase my viewing history and I would be able to watch the episode again. Her voice trembling, she asked if I would like her to do that for me.

Now, I suppose I could have explained to her the completely innocuous reason why this whole misunderstanding came to be, but I just wouldn’t be me if I did. So I said this instead:

“That’s alright, Chelsea. I don’t have to watch it to know how it ends.”

Take that, God.

I never did end up watching that episode or any episode of AUTOPSY, mostly because I was sure my comment was going to get me an unscheduled visit from my local friendly division of the FBI. It all worked out in the end any way, since my daughter is beginning to think she may want to be a writer like me. In fact, she has a blog called LivLovesLit where she reviews books, so if any of you out there would like a young person’s take on your story, just visit her blog. But be warned; just like television, adults screen her emails and books before she gets them so be sure to keep it PG-13.

15 responses

  1. Have you tried reading Shakespeare in bed? In college, when I HAD to read him, I bought the complete annotated Shakespeare, a book as big as a standard family heirloom Bible (for $13.95–probably costs college kids $793 now), and I’d make it through, maybe, two pages of that shit before the Sandman entered. It wasn’t so much wading through the old-fashioned English as it was having to break off from it, every other line or so, to look up the annotated explanations. Of course, it was the ’70s and there may or may not have been weed involved.
    You kill me. See what I did there? I was LOL-ing just in the lead-up to what you said to Chelsea.
    Nowadays, those computer seek-and-find games put me out like a light. I get them for the kid, but I play them (mindless distraction, you know) and after a while, it’s: hit pause, slide on over to the couch, and I’m in dreamland as soon as my head hits the cushion.
    Rock on, Hellis.

    September 11, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    • Oh God- those seek and find games drive me INSANE. I tried playing Candy Crush on my phone and got so frustrated that I pitched it fifty feet down the road. That little incident led to what prompted my next post…

      September 11, 2014 at 8:41 pm

  2. You are twisted and evil, and I think we should someday get married. I would have done the exact same thing to Miss Chelsea, and by the way would have been watching probably the same damn show. I have to ask: have you tried beer?

    September 11, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    • I don’t know about beer. I hear it leads to Rantiness and inpromptu marriage proposals. 😉

      September 11, 2014 at 8:46 pm

  3. There is a reason that death is called the big sleep…

    September 12, 2014 at 12:36 pm

  4. And seriously… I’m not in the random awesome or the army of the awesome???

    September 12, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    • GAH! I need to remedy this! Stand by…

      September 15, 2014 at 8:09 am

      • Well I would think so… HA!

        September 15, 2014 at 10:33 am

  5. Guess what? Witch Dr Ronnie to the Rescue.

    I know, You’ve tried and tried and tried and tried different shit for your insomnia.

    Well, fuck all that. Time for a cure.


    No really.

    Buy the whole Package with the extras and audios and stuff.

    for about $40 you will get your insomnia out of the way forever, especially once you read the ebook and start using the sleep boosters and all that regularly.

    How do I know? Because if you remember correctly I have had shitloads of sleep problems.

    Also 1 more thing to add to this.

    No – two things. – Mindfulness Playlist – VERY HELPFUL for shutting up your running mind when you have insomnia.

    As well as: – Honest guys 1 hour sleep.

    Definitely get the Effortless Sleep Method.

    LMK how it all ends up.

    September 13, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    • oh and always rememeber:

      September 13, 2014 at 5:09 pm

  6. So here’s what I’ve got:

    1) I think if I can’t get the insomnia under control I will give this a try.
    2) I really like the Jon Kabat Zinn Mindscapes, the problem is that they make the part of my mind that should be sleeping start thinking of things, like writing stories about forest glens.
    3) I like the rain, but I think if I listen to it I’ll be running to the bathroom all night.
    4) Way, way, way too funny. 🙂

    September 16, 2014 at 10:31 am

    • #2 – That’s PERFECT for a start. Then the next step is to NOT ATTACH to the thoughts. Let them come and go, and act like you are laying on the beach of the river of your mind. The thoughts go by like clouds in the sky, you DON’T follow them. You are so close, once you start thinking of random things, but when that happens keep in mind that’w what the mind does to distract you from passing through the gate to complete relaxation.

      September 16, 2014 at 7:14 pm

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  8. I like the “lying on the beach of the river of your mind,” visual. I will definitely try to avoid my minds own distractions. I appreciate all the advice! 🙂

    September 16, 2014 at 8:17 pm

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