The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Hellis Breaks Her Phone And Humiliates Herself


I am officially running on two hours of sleep over the course of three days, so no guarantees on the cohesiveness or relevance of this post. 

I put up a post not long ago about my new phone and my strange text message encounter with someone looking for whomever had my number last (you can catch it here. Remember the name “Lokepa”). Well, it turns out that I would only have that phone for about a month or so before I dropped it and broke it (please don’t ask me how. One embarrassing post a day is enough).

Now hold onto that thought. We’ll be getting back to it. Trust me.

Like I said, I have insomnia. And when I can’t sleep or macrame or watch the same episode of AUTOPSY over and over and over, I amuse myself with my surroundings- namely, my phone. I wish I could tell you that I lay in bed at night playing hours of Candy Crush or Words With Friends like a normal person but I can’t. My brain isn’t wired that way. You know, normally. 

No, what I have to do instead is add people I don’t actually know to my contact list. People like Morgan Freeman. And Samuel L. Jackson. And Ninth President of the United States William Henry Harrison. And because God hates me, I do all of this the night before I break my phone.

For those of you lost on the significance of this fact, please keep in mind that someone is going to have to fix my phone, and that someone is going to see what I did to it. And that someone’s name is Trevor, and he is my resident Verizon Lackey-du-jour.


Trevor thinks I’m nuts.

Because typical me, I couldn’t just upload pics and leave it at that. No, I had to actually create relevant email accounts and job titles for each of the contacts because yeah, I’m that messed up.

From the collective sound of snickering coming from the Super-Secret-Verizon-Room-of-Cellphone-Repair, I am sure Trevor and his cronies downloaded my contact list while fixing my phone. I am also sure they will mock me to their friends and probably the world too. It is because of this possibility that I am going to share my list here, on my blog, and beat them to the punch.

Now, not all of my “friends” are celebrities or inanimate objects or random body parts, some are actual people from history that I have come to admire over the years that I think you might enjoy learning about. See? My weirdness is actually a good thing! (Yeah, Trevor didn’t buy that either). So here they are in no particular order…my imaginary friend contact list:

















These next two contacts may need some explaining. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the story of President William Henry Harrison, you can go here. Or, I can just tell you that he served the shortest amount of time in office (just thirty days) because he died of pneumonia. It seems President Harrison possessed a bit of machismo, and insisted he not wear a coat to his Inaugural Address.


Next we have our second President, John Adams. Back in the day he and Thomas Jefferson were the best of friends, but when they both decided to run for President, things got all Paris and Nicole. Thomas Jefferson, in a smear campaign that garnered near “Fire Crotch” attention was quoted to have said, “John Adams has a hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.” Yup. Tommy-J just called out J’Adams for having bitch tits. And we thought the Kardashians were bad.

Some called them villains, others called them geniuses. It is estimated that Genghis Khan may have reduced the entire world’s population at the time of his reign by 11%, and according to a famous 2003 genetic study, “Around one in 200 living men carry a form of the Y chromosome that may have originated with the Great Khan himself. If true, that would mean that 0.5 percent of the world’s male population are his direct descendants.” What I was most interested to learn is that he created one of the first international postal systems and was tolerant of different religions. No amount of admiration for his battlefield prowess would spare him from what I forced him to do in Reapers With Issues, though. Hehehehe….


The next contact we all know very well, mostly as the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s novel, Dracula. Some may know him as Vlad the Impaler due to his practice of impaling his enemy on spikes all around his land. Think this is nothing more than vicious propoganda spread by his enemy, the Ottoman-Turks? Think again. Beyond just impaling, he slaughtered women and children of his enemies and murdered a group of Turkish envoys on the pretext that they had refused to raise their “hats” to him. Want to know what he did? He nailed their turbans to their heads. Yikes. I will say this for him- he’s got some kickin’ hair.

Now, most of you may not know these next two at all, but I believe they deserve some recognition. The first is Guy Fawkes who, thanks to Alan Moore, is the man behind the face that spawned over a million “V for Vendetta” masks. Brits celebrate “Guy Fawkes Night” every November 5th by burning him in effigy to commemorate his failed attempt to carry out the Gunpowder Plot- a conspiracy which would have resulted in the destruction of the House of Lords. Fawkes was caught, questioned, tortured, and was nearly mutilated (as the Brits so loved to do back then) but he jumped off the platform where the evisceration was to take place and intentionally broke his neck to avoid it. Now that’s hardcore.


Most people do not know the next historian, but you may know of his achievements. Michael Andreas Barclay DeTolly was a hero of the First Patriotic War and Anti-Napoleonic Campaigns in Europe. But what he is best known for is the now famous scorched earth strategy of drawing the enemy deep into one’s own territory and then setting everything the fuck behind them on fire. Let’s think about that for a minute- this dude let one of history’s most aggressive and successful Military Commanders into his own land and then burned his own country to the ground. That’s some Daryl Dixon shit right there.


Yeah, I have no explanation for these last two. Don’t judge me.

LA Nut

So that about wraps it up. Now that my secret is out, I might just have to add a few more to my list. As for the insomnia, if any of you have any remedies out there that are less humiliating, please let me know.

35 responses

  1. If I had to work on your phone I would crack up. The email addresses are hilarious also the collection of people is eclectic. Very nicely done. HA!!

    September 16, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    • Thanks! I probably should have added that Trevor was actually a pretty good sport about it all. He didn’t laugh too hard.

      September 16, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      • Trevor should lighten up! ha! I wish I had some of those contacts in my phone just for shits and giggles. I feel like I’d want to leave my phone around so people could find it and think I’m totally nuts. I like having a “reputation.”

        September 16, 2014 at 4:21 pm

  2. I probably shouldn’t admit that I will often wear one of those diabetic wrist tags that I had, “I like tacos,” engraved in it. What can I say? I don’t sleep and bore easily.

    September 16, 2014 at 4:25 pm

  3. The Hodor one made me laugh out loud. Also, I want to be Sam Elliott when I grow up. I might have mentioned that. I’m betting the one you DON’T list here involves Ron Jeremy.

    September 16, 2014 at 4:30 pm

  4. Funny you mention it, but I did have Ron Jeremy on my list at one point. That is until I heard my daughter, while scrolling through my phone ask, “Mom, who is Ron Jeremy?”

    I guess I should be happy that she is young and innocent enough to not know who he is. Unlike my son, who answered her.

    September 16, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    • That sounds… pretty bad. Can’t be as bad as a turquoise rug with a giant orange octopus on it. Top that shit.

      September 16, 2014 at 8:27 pm

      • That sounds like a dare…

        September 16, 2014 at 8:29 pm

        • Waiting…

          September 16, 2014 at 8:38 pm

          • Start watching for the Fed Ex guy.

            September 17, 2014 at 7:45 am

  5. WTeverlovinF?! How am I not #freakin1 on your imaginary friends contact list?! Oh, there will be words had, Hellis, there will be words… said to our mutual friend… in a whiny tone… a whiny, drunken tone.

    September 16, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    • No!!! Forgive me!!! I was drunk, remember?

      September 16, 2014 at 4:56 pm

  6. notthebroth

    I’ll consider it, but I’m going to need porn. Ginger porn. And by ginger, I mean of the red-headed variety of my motherland, not the pain inducing food kind. Well, maybe both.

    September 16, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    • I am sure I can round up a few freckle-faced, pink dicked, dim sum eating willing participants.

      September 16, 2014 at 5:07 pm

      • notthebroth

        Uhm, we really have to talk about what the ‘other’ ginger porn is. Or maybe just forget it ever came up. The boss will KILL me if she finds out I pulled up THAT on her laptop. Hint, less to do with the ‘eating’ of it. We’ll talk soon. Rather, I’ll drink and talk while you look for shit to hurl at me as you gag. Good times.

        September 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm

        • There is something very, very, wrong with you.

          September 17, 2014 at 7:45 am

    • Gingers have no souls.

      September 16, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      • Orange Octopi do.

        September 17, 2014 at 7:47 am

  7. My dear H. E. You are the funniest insane person I know.

    September 16, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    • That made me laugh out loud. 🙂

      September 16, 2014 at 8:14 pm

  8. Awesome contact list. I NEED to add Freeman….and maybe Chewy.

    September 17, 2014 at 6:55 am

    • I am thinking of adding a contact called Overly Polite Canadian because I love everything about Canada. You all are like New Englanders, only better.

      September 17, 2014 at 7:47 am

      • You are too kind. Wait….are you Canadian, too?! This is a great distraction… I’m supposed to be writing, but am stuck. Ugh. Plot holes suck…..

        September 17, 2014 at 8:33 am

        • I wish! I am a first-generation American with parents from Italy and Ireland.

          I am stuck with plot issues too. I almost never struggle with character but plot, that’s always work for me.

          September 17, 2014 at 8:45 am

  9. I may never stop laughing.. that was… HEY!!! LOOK!!! I am down there now!!! I am all up in your business! YAY!!!

    September 17, 2014 at 11:05 am

    • Yes you are! In fact, I may just make a PMAO contact for my phone. Now I just need a clever set of nicknames.

      September 17, 2014 at 11:15 am

  10. you can’t sleep either? must be a blogger thing

    September 17, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    • Holy Crap! That is the SECOND idea you’ve given me for a post! You need to get in on this. Stand by…

      September 17, 2014 at 4:16 pm

  11. At least you do something extremely amusing when you can’t sleep!!

    September 23, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    • If I’d been real smart I might have, you know, written a book or something. Ugh. I am a bonehead.

      September 24, 2014 at 11:03 am

      • Haha….that is very true….and you are far from a bonehead!!

        September 24, 2014 at 12:44 pm

        • Said the woman who has yet to read the post I just put up.

          September 24, 2014 at 2:05 pm