The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Andiamo Columbus!

isnthcina_fullsizeCaio Lettori!

That’s “Hello Readers!” according to Google Translate. Being Italian I should technically know how to say that on my own, but my family’s dialect is far too regional to communicate anything coherent. Luckily I had the chance to interview fellow Italian and renowned world traveler, Christopher Columbus. Let’s hope his English is better than my Italian:

C.C.: Caio! I mean, hello!

H.E.:  There is great debate about what your real motivations were for risking lives to discover the New World.  Can you comment on what you were really thinking back there in Spain?

C.C.: I wassa thinking that Isabella was a pretty nice lady. What can I do? My blood, she is Italian.

H.E.:  Were there any dangerous points along the way that made you consider turning back?

C.C.: Some of the sailors, they…weren’t lookin’ so good. Some of them even say I looka nice for a man. I think to myself, “Eh, Christoph…you need to find these men some women quick.” I say a little prayer and then boom- we finda land. I’mma one lucky sonafabitch.

H.E.:  Rumor has it that you were in fact lost on your first trip, yet you are hailed as a navigational genius.  Any comment on that apparent disparity of opinion?

C.C.: Hey…that’s some a pretty bigga words coming from someone who needs a the GPS to find her way out of the shower.

H.E.:  You probably also have heard some of the racier rumors about shipboard life involving grog, sodomy and the lash.  For a curious world, Chris, sheep or no sheep?  Or was this a don’t ask/don’t tell situation?

C.C.: Hey…what’s a matta you? That’s not a polite. I will say this- they don’ta call them a “Seamen” for nothing.

H.E.:  Obviously a lot has changed.  On that note, America back then, or America now – which do you like better?

C.C.: That’s a easy – America today! They have a holiday justa for me!

H.E.: Okay, so if you had to do it all over again, what would you choose to do differently?

C.C.: Turna left.

H.E.:  To wrap this up, Chris, your thoughts on the holiday in your honor?

C.C.: It’s lika my mama used to say, “All good things come from Italy.”

9 responses

  1. Well at last you found an historical character whom I am not at all uncomfortable with you turning them into a laughing stock… so… yay

    October 13, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    • As opposed to…Rudolph? 😉

      October 16, 2014 at 3:46 pm

  2. WalkToRio

    Always the sheep.

    October 14, 2014 at 9:02 am

    • I like to stick with the classics.

      October 16, 2014 at 3:47 pm

  3. I didn’t realize how much ol’ Chris sounded like Father Guido Sarducci.

    October 15, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    • Ha! Now when I read this it’s all I hear!

      October 16, 2014 at 3:47 pm

  4. Yeah, turn left. Because Brazil. 😉

    October 15, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    • Smart ass.

      October 16, 2014 at 3:48 pm