The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Vote To Rename Benito!

I namebenito_mussolini_02d my phone Benito. Why? Because my phone is a Fascist, that’s why. Fascist in that it starts inputting words as I type- words the phone thinks I want to use, only to guess wrong and insert its own word anyway. You have a phone like that too? Well grab a name tag and a donut because you’re the newest member of my anti-fascist phone support group.

Now, some of you tech-savvy Millennials may be having a chuckle at my expense, thinking that the feature I am describing is actually auto correct. Well you’re wrong, because it’s not. I checked. And your generation’s music sucks ass. Auto correct takes your ill-typed reciept and changes it to receipt because it knows no one spells that word correctly. So using what I remember from my SAT’s, I’ll illustrate the auto correct comparison like this:

My despotic phone is to the Third Reich what auto correct is to Colonel Klink


A Gen Xer has just compared a Greatest Generation fact to a Baby Boomer reference in order to illustrate a problem to a Millennial. I fucking rock.

What makes this feature worse than auto correct is that not only will it input the wrong word, it will not allow me to keep the word I want if it does not agree with my selection. It judges me. And that’s not even the half of it. Il Duce here even goes so far as to restructure my sentences, so my texts end up looking something like this:


“I spent my last forty bucks on a new Red Sox jersey.”


“I spent my last forty bucks on a red socks New Jersey.”

Benito is clearly not from New England, because a sentence like that read in the wrong part of Boston would not end well. And because I’m me, I felt compelled to assign my phone an anthropomorphic dictatorial Italian voice that I hear inside my head every time I type. Like I didn’t get enough of that growing up. Thanks for the flashback, stugots.

I realize that I do have options- the first of which is to disable the feature entirely. Unfortunately, to disable this feature means I am also disabling auto correct and that, my friends, is not an option. The people in my world believe that because I am a writer I must naturally be a good speller. Nothing could be further from the truth. For example- you thought I spelled anthropomorphic all by myself, didn’t you?

The second option is for me to catch the input as it’s happening and then correct it before it corrects me. Well excuse me, but I thought I lived in America. I should be able to say whatever I want no matter how moronic, misspelled, or grammatically incorrect it is. Fox News does it all the time and no one censors them.

But what I really want to know is who decided to develop this feature anyway? Did the programmers take their feedback from some poorly culled poll that only sampled data from a single group of spastic mouth-breathers? More than just Yankees fans text, you know.

So here’s what I propose: Programmers should design keyboard options the user can choose from. I would like an auto correct feature that allows me to select the word it suggests instead of electronically sodomizing my text. Maybe they could also include a feature where I get to choose a voice to assign my auto correct so that I don’t traumatize myself on a daily basis. I, for one, vote for “Kindly John Cleese.”

Since these programmers have no idea how to conduct a proper industry market poll I have decided to conduct one myself. Below is a poll that includes a few sample voices to add to my new keyboard concept that ultimately will become my phone’s new name. Vote for one or feel free to add a choice of your own. I’ll post the results tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll gather enough data to persuade the programmers to develop these new input ideas. If not, then I vote to give my phone ankles.

20 responses

  1. I’ve recently converted to Obsessive-Defiance, so I had to enter my own idea using your ‘other’ category. Along that line of thought, you and I must have related phones. Have you tried typing in Yoda?

    “My last forty bucks on a Red Sox jersey, I spent.”

    Works for me, it does.

    October 22, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    • Oh God…Yoda would drive me nuts!

      October 22, 2014 at 2:32 pm

  2. I. Goose not to vote dammit. See? Replies to this on my phone I did. Feel like Eliza Doolittle now me love.

    October 22, 2014 at 2:26 pm


    I wish I’d thought of that.

    October 22, 2014 at 2:33 pm

  4. HA… electronically sodomized text… that will fuck up your sexting… and I think my vote was too long… but I think you need an old-school Capt. Kirk (William Shatner) voice, complete with the awkwardly long pauses… to tell you how… to… boldly spell… like… no one… has… ever spelled… before…

    October 22, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    • That would be AMAZING! I could send texts to my kids like, “Go…pick up…your room.”

      Crap. That was Christopher Walken.

      October 22, 2014 at 8:32 pm

      • Did I tell you that my older daughter has an ex boyfriend who does a mean Chris Walken impersonation… and I am trying to get him to read a chapter of my sci-fi novels and record it so I can post it like a pod cast…

        October 22, 2014 at 8:36 pm

        • Wow…how awesome would THAT be? The only voice my kid can do is Herbert, the creepy neighbor on Family Guy. I don’t want to write a book to accommodate that.

          October 22, 2014 at 8:40 pm

          • Capt. Kirk would be a pretty good voice for my books too… oooohhhhh… each chapter read by a different celebrity impersonator…

            October 22, 2014 at 9:29 pm

            • With my luck, the only celebrity impersonator willing to read my stuff would sound like this:

              October 23, 2014 at 11:40 am

              • I was thinking you could also go with Gilbert Gottfried…

                October 23, 2014 at 11:50 am

                • Oh gawd…I could not handle listening to that. I had initially considered Sam Elliott, but then I’d get nothing done.


                  October 23, 2014 at 11:57 am

                  • Life is full of tough choices.

                    October 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm

  5. I can’t believe you invoked sodomy… well, glad you’re writing and posting again, my friend.

    October 22, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    • You can’t go wrong with sodomy. And yes, it’s good to be back!

      October 23, 2014 at 11:41 am

  6. I too have a love/ hate relationship with autocorrect.
    One time I tried to ask my friend how many plates she wanted me to bring to her party. Auto correct made me say HOW MANY SLAVES DO YOU NEED ME TO BRING?
    I ducking hate it.

    October 24, 2014 at 9:15 am

    • Ha! I’ve tried texting my mother in Italian and you should see what auto correct thinks I’m trying to say. Do you have any idea how many Hail Mary’s I’ve had to say in order to pay contrition for the sins of my phone? I don’t like to think about it.

      October 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm

  7. Gotta always vote for Scar-Jo

    October 24, 2014 at 1:01 pm

  8. You can thank my kid for that offering. Scar Jo’s quite a favorite.

    October 24, 2014 at 2:20 pm