Vote To Rename Benito!
I named my phone Benito. Why? Because my phone is a Fascist, that’s why. Fascist in that it starts inputting words as I type- words the phone thinks I want to use, only to guess wrong and insert its own word anyway. You have a phone like that too? Well grab a name tag and a donut because you’re the newest member of my anti-fascist phone support group.
Now, some of you tech-savvy Millennials may be having a chuckle at my expense, thinking that the feature I am describing is actually auto correct. Well you’re wrong, because it’s not. I checked. And your generation’s music sucks ass. Auto correct takes your ill-typed reciept and changes it to receipt because it knows no one spells that word correctly. So using what I remember from my SAT’s, I’ll illustrate the auto correct comparison like this:
My despotic phone is to the Third Reich what auto correct is to Colonel Klink
A Gen Xer has just compared a Greatest Generation fact to a Baby Boomer reference in order to illustrate a problem to a Millennial. I fucking rock.
What makes this feature worse than auto correct is that not only will it input the wrong word, it will not allow me to keep the word I want if it does not agree with my selection. It judges me. And that’s not even the half of it. Il Duce here even goes so far as to restructure my sentences, so my texts end up looking something like this:
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY:
“I spent my last forty bucks on a new Red Sox jersey.”
WHAT BENITO ORDERED ME TO SAY:
“I spent my last forty bucks on a red socks New Jersey.”
Benito is clearly not from New England, because a sentence like that read in the wrong part of Boston would not end well. And because I’m me, I felt compelled to assign my phone an anthropomorphic dictatorial Italian voice that I hear inside my head every time I type. Like I didn’t get enough of that growing up. Thanks for the flashback, stugots.
I realize that I do have options- the first of which is to disable the feature entirely. Unfortunately, to disable this feature means I am also disabling auto correct and that, my friends, is not an option. The people in my world believe that because I am a writer I must naturally be a good speller. Nothing could be further from the truth. For example- you thought I spelled anthropomorphic all by myself, didn’t you?
The second option is for me to catch the input as it’s happening and then correct it before it corrects me. Well excuse me, but I thought I lived in America. I should be able to say whatever I want no matter how moronic, misspelled, or grammatically incorrect it is. Fox News does it all the time and no one censors them.
But what I really want to know is who decided to develop this feature anyway? Did the programmers take their feedback from some poorly culled poll that only sampled data from a single group of spastic mouth-breathers? More than just Yankees fans text, you know.
So here’s what I propose: Programmers should design keyboard options the user can choose from. I would like an auto correct feature that allows me to select the word it suggests instead of electronically sodomizing my text. Maybe they could also include a feature where I get to choose a voice to assign my auto correct so that I don’t traumatize myself on a daily basis. I, for one, vote for “Kindly John Cleese.”
Since these programmers have no idea how to conduct a proper industry market poll I have decided to conduct one myself. Below is a poll that includes a few sample voices to add to my new keyboard concept that ultimately will become my phone’s new name. Vote for one or feel free to add a choice of your own. I’ll post the results tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll gather enough data to persuade the programmers to develop these new input ideas. If not, then I vote to give my phone ankles.