The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Raider Nation’s Reluctant Member

dm_140917_nfl_Predict_OAKNEOn the heels of the ass-whooping the New England Patriots gave the Chicago Bears last Sunday, I’ve decided to rerun a post that should do a good job of summing up my present state of misery as a former Pats fan:

Picture the scene:

It’s February 2012 and yours truly is glued to the television, elbows deep in clam chowda, an ice cold rack a pounders within reach. The iconic opening of O Fortuna pours out of the speakers and my heart begins to pound in anticipation. I move closer to the screen just as the un-mistakeable sound of Ozzy screaming, “ALL ABOARD!” heralds the moment I’ve been waiting for– the moment my beloved New England Patriots take the field for SuperBowl XLVI.

I spend the next hour watching the Pats do what they do best– beat the snot outta anything hailing from New York, all to the tune of AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. Drunk with uber-fandom superiority (and a few Sam Adams), I place a hasty call before the half to brain-dead idiot and lifetime Giants fan, Jeb.

Questions were posed as to how far I might go if the Pats inconceivably lost the SuperBowl, one in particular to involve the possibility of me patronizing another NFL sports team.  For life.

Confident in New England’s ability, my bet was made.

And lost.

Jeb knows me well enough to know that I would never make a bet to become a Giants fan, so he picked the lesser of two evils.

You guessed it. Karma is a Raiders fan, and as of February 5th, so was I.

Let me begin by saying that there are many reasons why I am morally opposed to patronizing a West Coast sports team, the first being that I am, in fact, an East Coaster. I mean, do they even have clam chowder in California? I bet they put pineapple in it, the savages.

Next are their team colors. Silver and Black? Really? My Patriots proudly sport the Red, White, and Blue, clear evidence that to be a Raiders fan is to be unAmerican.

Now, some may argue that the West Coast has superior beer, and I for one would agree. But I would also like to point out to all you West Coasters out there that just like everything else in California, Corona is from Mexico, which means it doesn’t really belong to you. Just ask Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna.

But I think the biggest affront to my senses will be the assault to my ears. Tell me, how in the hell is Godsmack supposed to cover this??

People, it’s going to be a long season.

8 responses

  1. The Left Coast has chowda – at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Fran. Not quite as good as real New England chowda, but if you can’t afford the airfare east, well…

    As for your new team affiliation, welcome to the Raider Nation, baby! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go paint myself Silver and Black…

    October 28, 2014 at 8:51 am

    • You people are crazy.

      October 28, 2014 at 9:11 am

      • I’m not because I don’t wear the rainbow ‘fro wig.

        October 28, 2014 at 9:20 am

        • Let me guess. You’re this guy:

          October 28, 2014 at 9:30 am

          • Or something a lot less low-key… but no rainbow ‘fro wig.

            October 28, 2014 at 10:18 am

            • Okay, now I’ve got to see you in a rainbow ‘fro wig.

              October 28, 2014 at 10:27 am

  2. I grew up right by Oakland… and there are parts of that city you do not want to go to… I mean, I went there, because I’m a freekin’ maniac… but still…

    October 28, 2014 at 11:44 am

    • From what I’ve been told, they resemble certain parts of Boston. I’ve been there, but I only made it out because I can fake a Southie accent.

      October 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm