The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Disturbing Ode to a Literary Agent


A laborious and lengthy session of work on REAPERS WITH FANGS has led me to the sad conclusion that my writing needs work, so I’ve decided to give a bit of prose a try in an effort to beef up my chops.

Poetry and prose is not an area I am comfortable with as you will see, but the spirit of Halloween got the better of me and I rose to the occasion.

For better or worse I bring you:









How I wish I had the courage to kill you, my darling.


Oh, to have the strength to give you what you ask! Alas, my beloved, I am weak. You cannot imagine how it pained me to remove your feet.


Surely you understand the sacrifices we must make for our love!


It all started so beautifully, did it not?


That glorious day when at long last you chose me! I hardly believed it myself. Oh how you teased me, renaming my novel and asking your silly questions.


How did you know the pleasure I would receive, seeing your words in red intertwined with mine?


So why, oh why did it have to end?


Did my novelty wear off after only one revision?! Did you think I wouldn’t notice you had moved on to another? Did you think I wouldn’t recognize your words in red?


I recognized you. I recognized you because you belong to me.


I do not blame you for straying, my darling.


You are just an agent, after all, easily swayed by proper grammar and strict adherence to word counts. I forgive you your frailties.


But I see now that I have to protect you and our love from the seductive, literary succubi who covet your red ink for themselves.


Please do not cry, my sweet. You shall not miss your hands for long!


Just as you gave yourself to me, I shall become you.


I will sacrifice my own identity and assume yours as a testament to our devotion to each other. I will destroy these usurpers of our love with your own beautiful, red pen.


Oh how it will pain me to mingle my words with theirs.


But love is pain my darling, as you well know.

20 responses

  1. Reblogged this on Reapers With Issues.

    October 29, 2014 at 7:43 am

  2. As I contemplate taking up writing, I’ll file this in the “How to land and deal with an agent” file.

    That folder’s next to “How to sanitize a murder scene.”

    October 29, 2014 at 7:56 am

  3. I may just have to borrow that second folder…

    October 29, 2014 at 8:05 am

  4. That was awesome… I scared me… I really need an agent… I need to move up to the next step… but just writing the letter… how do I explain my novels… what do I add… my blog? who do I send it to? I am not geared towards success…

    October 29, 2014 at 11:41 am

    • Ugh. You are sooo asking the wrong person. I never even bothered submitting my books to an agent because I assumed they sucked so I went the self-pubbed route instead.

      The problem with that is I do absolutely nothing to promote myself because I cannot stand being the center of attention. Hell, I don’t even like drawing attention to myself on my blog. Good thing I’ve got my kid pimping my stuff out for me. She’s relentless.

      If you ever want to know the best way to get agented, go to Nathan Bransford’s blog. He’s no longer an agent, but he’s got the best blog around for advice.

      October 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      • oooh… I may give that a shot… I want to be the center of attention, I just suck at it,

        October 29, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      • Yeah… I left a message… he is way out of my league. I couldn’t even figure out how to follow his blog.

        October 29, 2014 at 1:00 pm

        • But neither of us are as disturbed as this man. He has squirrels in his brain that tell him what to do.

          October 29, 2014 at 6:27 pm

          • …ooo000ooo…

            October 29, 2014 at 6:30 pm

            • Maybe that’s what ‘s wrong with me!

              October 29, 2014 at 8:40 pm

              • I’m not a doctor, but I play one… I mean, not on stage or screen or TV… but… well… never mind…

                October 29, 2014 at 8:44 pm

                • It took me like five minutes to get that. I’m slow on the uptake.

                  October 29, 2014 at 8:55 pm

  5. Disturbing.

    October 29, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    • Yeah, I’m not right in the head.

      October 29, 2014 at 6:13 pm

  6. Now this was scary. But a beautiful ode to the lit. agents.
    I always say of myself, that they are staring greatness right in the eye but they just don´t see it.

    October 31, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    • I absolutely agree. When I first started writing I got feedback from an agent/blogger that said to scrap my WIP because it would never sell as long as I kept the teenaged male protagonist.

      She suggested I change the boy to a girl, knock her up, or at the very least make the dad an abusive drunk. I stopped writing for almost a year after that because I became so disillusioned. Then I picked myself up, wrote the story I wanted to write and published it myself. I may not be rich and famous, but I wrote the story I wanted to tell.

      October 31, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      • And since the reality of becoming rich and famous with this writing thing is quite a slim chance for most of us, all writers. Out of all people, millions of people in the world that want to publish what is the percentage that will actually make a living out of this… guess is in one digits numers and in the lower digits.

        So cudos to you, and you can publish it yourself, your work is out there and at the same time keep going through the more traditional channels, so one thing doesn´t exclude another actually it just gives us more options to get our work out there so in my case at least my close family member can buy it.

        October 31, 2014 at 3:58 pm

        • You’re right. We writers need to stick together!

          October 31, 2014 at 5:17 pm