The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Funny Blog Friday!

fbfHappy Halloween and welcome to our first ever Funny Blog Friday! Me, along with a group of other hi-larious bloggers, are celebrating an otherwise spooky holiday with loads of laughter and free stuff! Click the links to participating bloggers at the bottom of the page for a chance at winning prizes and to read a lot of funny blogs, too.

Since our first Funny Blog Friday has fallen on Halloween, I thought it only appropriate to call on one of the rantiest funniest people…er, “beings” I know for a good laugh.

He’s had a long-standing a beef with a psuedo-celebrity musician that for some reason he just can’t seem to keep to himself. If you folks can guess who my guest is ranting about you can win a prize! Here are the two prizes I’m offering and the ways you can win them both:

  • Be the first person to leave the correct guess in the comments and win a free paperback copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES signed by all four contributing authors
  • Anyone who leaves a guess in the comments, correct or not, will win a free eBook copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES in the format of their choice

All commentors will receive an email that will contain both a link to the REAPERS WITH ISSUES Smashwords page as well as a coupon for a free eBook. Comments will close at midnight tonight.

Now that we’ve got our free prizes out of the way it’s time to turn my blog over to my special guest. Help me welcome once again:


Alright. I’m just going to say it. I fucking hate [__________]. I need you to understand the depth of my loathing. I hate [__________] with a passion usually reserved for pedophiles and religious zealots who believe all homosexuals are pedophiles.

I consider his hairstyles and fashion choices to be a personal affront to my sensibilities. He has made a pseudo-career out of being that one chode at the weekly stoners’ bonfire that brought his guitar. He is a Challenged Man’s James Taylor. He is an Entitled Yet Unattractive Woman’s Neil Diamond. Most importantly, he is no longer relevant in the music industry. And yet my hostility and animosity festers on.

Here’s a list of things that I believe to be true about [____________]:


1. [__________] shits with the door open. 

Yes, he does. Even if the adjoining room is full of people, he doesn’t quite shut the door all the way. If they call him on it, he opts for mock embarrassment. I assume he took up this behavior to prove to himself that he is above societal norms and practices. He can make other people uncomfortable without fear of rejection. I firmly believe that he would actually shit on the floor in front of a crowd of acquaintances if given half the chance.


2. [_________] is a monumental asshat that once talked a girl into giving him a rim job immediately after he finished a 5k run.

Look at him. He wasn’t getting laid at fifteen. He never allowed himself to presume he would EVER get a rim job from anyone. I trust he keeps a secret list of repugnant sexual acts in his head. When he happens across a willing sexual partner who happens to represent, to him, a certain previously unattainable stereotype, he draws from this list in order to prove to that internal lonely youth that [__________] is indeed ‘Da Bomb’.


3. [___________] has forced himself to cry through orgasms just to relieve himself of the obligation of finishing off his partner.


4. [___________] makes homeless people wear his clothing for an hour before he puts it on himself.

He has come to assume that this gives his choice of attire an air of authenticity deemed appropriate for the dispassionate rock god he considers himself to be. Don’t get me wrong, He has them completely disinfected before putting them on. I also trust that he pays these individuals with cheese and cracker snack packs.


5. [_________] encourages overweight children to drink soda.

This is simple. [___________] does not like competition. Just because one loser scrambled up to mediocrity with a guitar does not mean any other loser should. It is common knowledge that chubby children riding liquid sugar highs are pitchy.


6. [__________] thanks The Almighty every night that John Belushi is dead.

And he should. Mr. Belushi has expressed on many occasions his desire to reenact his famous guitar shattering scene from Animal House with [__________]. Through routine subliminal messages and dream visitations, Mr. Belushi has made this desire clear to [__________].


7. [_________] did not dump Jennifer Aniston.

In reality, he never dated her. Much as one tolerates a socially inept, nose-picking child gushing their endless stream of self important ramblings and nonsensical questions, so was [_________] tolerated by Jennifer Aniston. Following two steps behind someone, refusing to leave their property and/or partaking in some random yard work does not a relationship make.


Think you know who [________] is? Be the first one in the comments to guess correctly and win a signed copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES. Win a free eBook just for trying!

guitar reaper

The other Funny Blog Friday bloggers: VISIT THEM!!

Art of Pouring My Art Out

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color




44 responses

  1. Thank you for this. I will now go clean up the puddle I made pissing myself laughing.

    October 31, 2014 at 8:05 am

  2. Reblogged this on Reapers With Issues and commented:

    Yeah, I’m at it again. Guess who I am ranting about and win a copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES.

    October 31, 2014 at 8:12 am

  3. Kenny Loggins.

    October 31, 2014 at 8:52 am

  4. October 31, 2014 at 8:59 am

  5. James Tayl… no wait…

    Justin “Douchebag McGillicuddy” Bieber

    October 31, 2014 at 9:03 am

  6. I’m gonna say John Mayer – cause I googled who dumped Jennifer. Librarian research at work. Not sure I’m right, or even anything about him, but there’s a set of douchiest quotes, so maybe I’m close.

    Like BrainRants I first wanted to guess Justin Bieber. Who wouldn’t?

    October 31, 2014 at 10:37 am

    • Anonymous

      We have a winner! Thanks, Alice!

      October 31, 2014 at 10:43 am

      • Hm…why am I anonymous? Damn phone!

        October 31, 2014 at 10:45 am

      • Wooooooot! I won something! Finally!

        October 31, 2014 at 10:50 am

  7. ahhhhhhh… I just decided that I would try to do a bunch of posts today about this… is that okay? And the links… I need the links… …ooo000ooo…

    October 31, 2014 at 11:40 am

  8. well, I am not on the list of blogs linked to this whole project… not sure what went wrong.

    October 31, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    • Stand by. I shall rectify this…

      October 31, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      • I am visiting each blogger and begging them to add me… oh yeah… my shamelessness knows no bounds!!!!!!!!!!

        October 31, 2014 at 12:36 pm

        • Are you kidding? We all love when you stop by. No begging needed. 🙂

          October 31, 2014 at 12:40 pm

          • some of these people might not even know me… yet…

            October 31, 2014 at 12:43 pm

            • That’s the point! We need to take PMAO global!

              October 31, 2014 at 12:46 pm

              • I did just buy my domain name… pretty excited about that

                October 31, 2014 at 12:47 pm

                • You should be! I see big things in store for you, PMAO. No one deserves it more. 🙂

                  October 31, 2014 at 12:48 pm

                  • oh stop

                    October 31, 2014 at 12:50 pm

                  • I don’t see a post for this on Buddhaful Britt???

                    October 31, 2014 at 12:52 pm

                    • Let me see about this…

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:00 pm

                    • I am meeting some nice bloggers… and annoying the hell out of them…

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:01 pm

                    • PMAO – the Marmaduke of WordPress.

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:03 pm

                    • the funny thing is that I could have just typed the same thing and pasted it into all the blogs, but since I got kicked off wordpress for that bad spam joke, I am too afraid to do that… HA!

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:04 pm

                    • GAH! I remember that. Talk about harsh.

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:08 pm

                    • Not one single blog had the updated list with me on it… sigh

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:09 pm

                    • I know how you feel. I’m always a Padawan, never a Jedi. *sniffle*

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:11 pm

                    • awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:15 pm

                    • uh… that last link, called that nameless color… take me to a blog called Life, etc, that also has no post for funny Friday… just sayin’… not trying to get people in trouble…

                      October 31, 2014 at 1:14 pm

  9. Dude, I wish I was awesome enough to know who this is. Because this guy sounds like my dream man. Where can I meet him?? Sounds better than the Devil afterall. Does he have an HMO do you think?

    October 31, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    • He does, as a matter of fact. He bargained hard and won it for the Reapers Union. 🙂

      October 31, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      • I do like a nice HMO. What about FMLA?

        October 31, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    • I am better than Lucifer and I have a 401K. 😉

      October 31, 2014 at 12:51 pm

      • A 401K! NICEE! Definitely a better benefits package.

        October 31, 2014 at 1:01 pm

        • Give me a call in….(looks into your future) 69 years, 7 months and 15 days. I’m sure I’ll be available for coffee. 😉

          October 31, 2014 at 1:10 pm

  10. It’s funny you mention FMLA, because I in the middle of writing the second book in the series and the new “girl” in charge is pushing for FMLA for pregnant workers. This sounds like a good idea, until you realize that all the Reapers are, you know, dead.

    October 31, 2014 at 12:38 pm

  11. John Mayer? Really? You want him dead too? That warms my heart more than you could know. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and that fucking breathy fucking singing voice makes me wish that he would get run over by a train. I bet he COULD sing normally, but decided way back that singing all breathily made him seem “deeper” somehow, hence the panties come off quicker. He gives potheads a bad name.

    October 31, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    • “I give potheads a bad name” should be John Mayer’s tagline.

      October 31, 2014 at 1:05 pm

  12. i used to like John Mayer. Now, not so much. He turned (politically incorrect terms come to mind). I also admire you given that you are a die hard Red Sox fan that just admitted that Jeter is stand up athlete. Hi five to your fearlessness.

    October 31, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    • Thanks! Jeter is the shit.

      October 31, 2014 at 5:19 pm

  13. John Mayer must be somehow related to Mario López. That guy farts anywhere. A-neee-where…

    October 31, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    • I think I smell another rant coming on…

      October 31, 2014 at 5:19 pm