It’s Funny Blog Friday!
Happy Halloween and welcome to our first ever Funny Blog Friday! Me, along with a group of other hi-larious bloggers, are celebrating an otherwise spooky holiday with loads of laughter and free stuff! Click the links to participating bloggers at the bottom of the page for a chance at winning prizes and to read a lot of funny blogs, too.
Since our first Funny Blog Friday has fallen on Halloween, I thought it only appropriate to call on one of the
rantiest funniest people…er, “beings” I know for a good laugh.
He’s had a long-standing a beef with a psuedo-celebrity musician that for some reason he just can’t seem to keep to himself. If you folks can guess who my guest is ranting about you can win a prize! Here are the two prizes I’m offering and the ways you can win them both:
- Be the first person to leave the correct guess in the comments and win a free paperback copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES signed by all four contributing authors
- Anyone who leaves a guess in the comments, correct or not, will win a free eBook copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES in the format of their choice
All commentors will receive an email that will contain both a link to the REAPERS WITH ISSUES Smashwords page as well as a coupon for a free eBook. Comments will close at midnight tonight.
Now that we’ve got our free prizes out of the way it’s time to turn my blog over to my special guest. Help me welcome once again:
THE GRIM REAPER!
Alright. I’m just going to say it. I fucking hate [__________]. I need you to understand the depth of my loathing. I hate [__________] with a passion usually reserved for pedophiles and religious zealots who believe all homosexuals are pedophiles.
I consider his hairstyles and fashion choices to be a personal affront to my sensibilities. He has made a pseudo-career out of being that one chode at the weekly stoners’ bonfire that brought his guitar. He is a Challenged Man’s James Taylor. He is an Entitled Yet Unattractive Woman’s Neil Diamond. Most importantly, he is no longer relevant in the music industry. And yet my hostility and animosity festers on.
Here’s a list of things that I believe to be true about [____________]:
1. [__________] shits with the door open.
Yes, he does. Even if the adjoining room is full of people, he doesn’t quite shut the door all the way. If they call him on it, he opts for mock embarrassment. I assume he took up this behavior to prove to himself that he is above societal norms and practices. He can make other people uncomfortable without fear of rejection. I firmly believe that he would actually shit on the floor in front of a crowd of acquaintances if given half the chance.
2. [_________] is a monumental asshat that once talked a girl into giving him a rim job immediately after he finished a 5k run.
Look at him. He wasn’t getting laid at fifteen. He never allowed himself to presume he would EVER get a rim job from anyone. I trust he keeps a secret list of repugnant sexual acts in his head. When he happens across a willing sexual partner who happens to represent, to him, a certain previously unattainable stereotype, he draws from this list in order to prove to that internal lonely youth that [__________] is indeed ‘Da Bomb’.
3. [___________] has forced himself to cry through orgasms just to relieve himself of the obligation of finishing off his partner.
4. [___________] makes homeless people wear his clothing for an hour before he puts it on himself.
He has come to assume that this gives his choice of attire an air of authenticity deemed appropriate for the dispassionate rock god he considers himself to be. Don’t get me wrong, He has them completely disinfected before putting them on. I also trust that he pays these individuals with cheese and cracker snack packs.
5. [_________] encourages overweight children to drink soda.
This is simple. [___________] does not like competition. Just because one loser scrambled up to mediocrity with a guitar does not mean any other loser should. It is common knowledge that chubby children riding liquid sugar highs are pitchy.
6. [__________] thanks The Almighty every night that John Belushi is dead.
And he should. Mr. Belushi has expressed on many occasions his desire to reenact his famous guitar shattering scene from Animal House with [__________]. Through routine subliminal messages and dream visitations, Mr. Belushi has made this desire clear to [__________].
7. [_________] did not dump Jennifer Aniston.
In reality, he never dated her. Much as one tolerates a socially inept, nose-picking child gushing their endless stream of self important ramblings and nonsensical questions, so was [_________] tolerated by Jennifer Aniston. Following two steps behind someone, refusing to leave their property and/or partaking in some random yard work does not a relationship make.
Think you know who [________] is? Be the first one in the comments to guess correctly and win a signed copy of REAPERS WITH ISSUES. Win a free eBook just for trying!
The other Funny Blog Friday bloggers: VISIT THEM!!
Art of Pouring My Art Out
Victoria of Angst Anarchy
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Jamie of Fits of Wit
Jessie of Jessie Reyna
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog
Jenn of Properly Ridiculous
Alice of Alice At Wonderland
Lisa of Buddhaful Britt
JC of JCS Bloggery
Sarah of No Cry Babies
Elke of The Pretty Platform
Jack of The Things I see Up Here
Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks
Charly of Crazy Life
Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe
Karilin of That Nameless Color