The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

How to Avoid the Slushpile, by H.E. Ellis

fbf-1It’s Funny Blog Friday again, and I’m here to not only brighten your day but to pass along some sage advice on how to avoid the dreaded slushpile.

What’s the slushpile, you ask? The slushpile, my friends, is the virtual trash bin where your manuscript lands the moment a prospective agent determines it is not yet ready for publication. Believe me, after all your hard work this is no place you want to be.

So how do you avoid the slushpile? Read widely? Write often? Find yourself a solid writers’ group?

Hell no! You do it by following my advice, of course! I’ve spent the past year creating a collection of books designed to help would-be authors navigate their way through the jungle that is the publishing world. Choose from the following:

Advice on Writing Young Adult Novels:

  • Write Y.A. – How Hard Can It Be?
  • More Sarcasm, Please
  • Like, Meh and Whatevs: Your Guide to Writing Convincing Teen Dialogue
  • Every Gal Needs A Sassy Gay Friend!—Your Guide to Writing Believable Foils

Advice on Writing Books for Children:

  • Ideas Are Everywhere! Plot Templates from the Good People at MadLibs
  • Know Your Market: Observations from Behind the Swing Set
  • Burp, Fart, and Puke—101 Essential Kid’s Book Chestnuts
  • One Illustrator’s Dream is Another’s Sweatshop: The Dark Side of Elementary School Art Class

Advice on Writing Romance:

  • Why it’s Not Rape: A Writer’s Guide to Romantic Overtures: Forward by E.L. James
  • So Your Heroine’s a Serf?—Tips on Making Indentured Servitude Sexy

Career Advice:

  • What Matters is that YOU like it, dear: How Your Mom Can Get You Published
  • Creative, Interesting, and Fine: Your Guide to Passive-Aggressive Critiquing
  • One Step Too Far – Career Advice from a Fan Fiction Slash Writer

Agent Advice:

  • Write Your Own Restraining Order: The Five Boroughs Edition
  • Walking a Fine Line: When Research Becomes Stalking
  • Copyright Now!—How Agents REALLY Make Their Money

Writing Advice:

  • Say It With Adverbs!
  • Bad Prose and the Writers Who Love It
  • How to Write a Revision-Free First Draft
  • No one actually reads Hemingway, so what’s the harm?–Playing the Odds of Plagarism


  • The Magic, The Mystery, The Muse: Ke$ha – A Collection of “Haiku-like” Poetry
  • Every Line Needs to Rhyme: This and Other Poetry Secrets the Publishing Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know

 Act now and receive a free advance copy of my latest erotic effort, FIFTY SHADES OF VIGODA. Reserve your copy today!

A dear friend needs our help. Please click here for his story and contribute to a happy ending. 

Thank you.


Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

Eric of Opticynicism

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur of Pouring My Art Out


9 responses

  1. Abe Vigoda slash/alt erotica? You’ve lived in Japan, I take it.

    February 20, 2015 at 10:03 am

    • Or married a German. Potato, Potatoe.

      February 20, 2015 at 10:32 am

      • Potatoes are Irish. 🙂

        February 20, 2015 at 9:18 pm

  2. I thought this was a literal weather related question, and I am now wistfully looking at Caribean airfares.

    February 20, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    • I suppose it could be, if I glued together all my rejection letters and made a giant shovel!

      February 20, 2015 at 1:56 pm

  3. Oh crap… are we still doing these???

    February 20, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    • Not until the end of the month. I couldn’t hold my load and prematurely epostulated. I hear they make a pill for that.

      February 20, 2015 at 2:06 pm

      • premature ejunctification???

        February 20, 2015 at 2:10 pm

  4. Ooh…that’s a good one!

    February 20, 2015 at 2:15 pm