The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Bored Hellis and the Effed-up Texts

fbf-1Hello, everyone. My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am a colossal pain in the ass when I’m bored.

Most days I keep my boredom at bay by adding cartoon characters or celebrities I’ve never met to my phone’s contact list, or by pranking unsuspecting people who happen to incorrectly dial my cellphone number. Then there are days when the boredom is too much and I share my pain by sending random and nonsensical texts to the poor souls who happen to know me.

Featured here are the best responses to the inane chatter that escapes my head on a daily basis:

 

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Irrelevant Elvis cares not for your tidings. 

— Behold the field in which I grow my fucks, and thou shalt see that it is barren, and without fucks.

 

If you opened up a restaurant, what would you name it?

— Eat Me

 

Please bring a bucket or big bowl when you come to bed.

— Someone’s gettin’ lucky!  I hope…

 

I like chestnuts.

— I like specialty hardware.

 

BUTTERMILK!!

— FUCK YEAH!! BACON TOO!!

 

Cheese grater

— I’ll see your cheese grater and raise you a microplane.

 

When a set of conjoined twins fight, do they fight themselves or each other?

— Yes and no.

 

Jesus sees what you do in the shower.

— It’s my soap and I’ll wash as fast as I want to.

 

Fuck you and your monkey.

— Jealous.

 

Kenny Loggins called…

–DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT!

 

No one needs to see Donal Logue naked.

— There ain’t enough liquor in the world.

 

I just finished your eclair while watching My 600lb Life.

— Good for you! That’ll show ’em.

 

Curious Poop Emoticon agrees.

— Mom you need help.

 

I wonder what Freud would say about my love of squid and octopi?

— He’d say you’re one of those Japanese addicted to tentacle porn… what are you doing right now?

 

I want to add a wood-burning oven to our kitchen.  Just saying.

— For burning witches, right?  I’m down.

 

If we ever take a plane ride longer than two hours, it will need to be at night and I will need to be sedated.

— Make sure they have me stowed in the cargo hold first, please.

 

I am an amazing waitress.  Like, I could be a maître-de if I wanted.

— I mourn my days as a tiny ballerina <sob>…

 

The average fart leaves the body at a speed of 7 miles per hour.

— They’ve never measured me, then.  I’ve punched holes in reinforced concrete and set fire to porcelain.

 

Ron Perlman’s wife’s name is Opal.  That’s unfortunate.

— At least it’s not ‘Necklace’ or something, you know.

 

I will never hire a Mexican cartel to murder you.

— Fuck.  Can you try any harder to ruin my fucking day?

 

I do not think I would make a very good undertaker.

— Yes, you’re tiny.  I’d make a good overtaker.

 

Does everyone from California sound like you?

— Duuude.  Like totally.

 

I think I would make a very good warden.

— Remind me not to drop the soap tonight.

 

TV says the government is open today.

— Yes, but is anyone manning the office?

 

I am going to go on the treadmill so don’t freak out.

— OK.  I’m visiting the toilet now, so you’ll have to do whatever in the gas mask.

 

Pick up.  Pick up.  I had hiccups and I wanted to see what the text speak feature did with it on the phone.

— For a minute I thought you were texting me some fucking rap song.  Yo.

 

I’m tied up with Erin.

— Fuck yeah, I’m on the way home now!

 

It’s not ‘want,’ it’s ‘can’t.’  Murder scene day.

— Goddamn it.  I just cleaned the shovel.  We’re out of tarps, so pic which rug we lose.

 

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I decked the halls. Still miss you.

— We should get married.  Now.

 

Aren’t you glad that I don’t have your number?

 

gfm

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23 responses

  1. I have no idea what to think about the monkey one.

    February 27, 2015 at 9:13 am

    • I know some strange people.

      February 27, 2015 at 9:33 am

      • Yes, you do. 😉

        February 27, 2015 at 9:53 am

        • Yes. Dante is one strange monkey.

          February 27, 2015 at 9:55 am

          • Dante is cool. He is one chill bro.

            February 27, 2015 at 10:11 am

  2. But does your micro planer know the joys of shredding nutmeg?
    I thought not.

    Amateur.

    February 27, 2015 at 9:20 am

    • Ha! You know nothing, El Guapo Snow.

      My micro planer knows the joy of participating in my mise en place. I have become quite adept at the culinary arts over the past couple of months. I will have to join you in a virtual Sunday night dinner over Twitter one of these days.

      February 27, 2015 at 9:36 am

      • But can you core a apple?

        February 27, 2015 at 9:45 am

        • Sadly, no. But I can zest like no one’s business!

          February 27, 2015 at 9:59 am

  3. Ummm…these look familiar….hmmmm.

    February 27, 2015 at 9:47 am

    • You don’t say? 😉

      February 27, 2015 at 10:00 am

  4. wait… in the first place, you aren’t going to out weird me. These things do not impress a man with a cranium full of crack squirrels… secondly, I just did a post… a moving photographic tribute to Dick Cheney… and I want to make it a part of this funny Friday thing… and I might even have saved that email you sent me about how to do all the links at once… but maybe not…

    February 27, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    • Just add the FBF pic to the post and I’ll send you the links of the contributors to add. Stand by…

      February 27, 2015 at 12:43 pm

  5. I lost the email… how do I do all the links at once again???

    February 27, 2015 at 12:43 pm

  6. I’m sending you a new email now. 🙂

    February 27, 2015 at 12:50 pm

  7. H.E.E…

    First, I read them all.

    Second, boredom is a choice.

    Lastly, I feel I must reiterate one of the responses…

    Mom, you need help….

    Just sayin’….

    gigoid, the dubious

    p.s. What’s Twitter?

    😎

    February 27, 2015 at 1:51 pm

  8. 1) You are a brave man.
    2) Yes it is, which is why I choose to be annoying instead.
    3) What good is having kids if I can’t torment them for my own amusement?

    Twitter is the bane of my existence.

    February 27, 2015 at 2:03 pm

  9. This makes me feel much better about the insane and nonsensical texts I send to friends and family. I’m going to direct them to this post the next time I hear bitching about my strangeness. Also, can I add you to my text blasts? Or get added to yours?

    February 27, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    • That give me a great idea! I should have people subscribe to my nonsensical ramblings daily! Think of it -every morning you wake up you’ll have a new textshenanigan waiting for you!

      Now onto what to charge…

      March 2, 2015 at 11:29 am

  10. I step out to get a kumquat sandwich – and you’re back, in living color and at full volume!
    “How did your husband die, Mrs. Smith?”
    “I don’t know. He seemed to be having trouble catching his breath. He muttered something about ‘pithy rejoinder’, and just fell off the computer chair.”
    The world is safe from sanity. 😀

    March 1, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    • If only you could have been one of my teachers in high school. They never thought my particular line of thinking was in the least bit entertaining.

      For example, I was once tasked to write a report on how the industrial revolution impacted literature in 18th century England. My report largely focused on how industry changed the culture of the area and went on to foster disenfranchised citizens who went on to spawn the metal music culture of the early 1970’s.

      My teacher was not impressed.

      March 2, 2015 at 11:34 am

      • BTW, the kumquat was fresh, but not as fresh as you. I’m bewildered though. Why did you specify that you’re a pain in the ass, only when you’re bored?? Isn’t it a 24/7 thing? 😕
        I don’t know whether I could have taught you anything, because you already know-it-all. 😉 Most teachers don’t teach thinking, they recite paper-clip info. This connects to that; that relates to….yada, yada! They get upset if you unhitch one link and wander off to play with….uh, by yourself.
        I can’t imagine why your teacher was not impressed. I saw that relation immediately. 🙂

        March 2, 2015 at 4:35 pm