The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Quest For A Shamrock Shake

Like most Americans, I mark the changing of seasons not by dates or by weather or by solstices, but by the return of iconic milkshakes. Arby’s Orange Creme shake marks the beginning of summer, their Pumpkin Cheesecake shake welcomes the fall, McDonald’s Eggnog shake is a classic every winter but the best and most anticipated of all is their Shamrock Shake in the spring. 

Last year was a major disappointment for me because it seemed like every time I pulled up to order, there was a Debbie Downer behind the microphone telling me they were out of Shamrock shakes, or that the machine was down for cleaning. I don’t believe that excuse for a minute. I think the staff at McDonald’s was hogging all the Shamrock awesome.

This year, I’ve decided to record my attempts at acquiring the elusive Shamrock Shake. I expect to reveal a pattern within my thwarted attempts and shall bring down those who stand between me and my quest for minty goodness!



18:34 – LITE ‘EM UP by Fall Out Boy

I leave my domicile to retrieve daughter from her friend’s house. I swing through the first McDonald’s drive-thru and am greeted by a very stressed out voice that tells me they are out of Shamrock Shakes. I thank the voice and pull out of line.

18:42 – HATE ME by Blue October

Daughter enters car and announces she has been craving Shamrock Shakes all day. I take it as a sign to try again.

18:53 – THE SPICY McHAGGIS JIG by Dropkick Murphys

I pull into the second McDonald’s drive-thru and immediately turn on Dropkick Murphys, hoping the luck o’ the Irish will aid me in my quest for Shamrock Shakes. I should have brought a Leprechaun, because by the time I pulled up to the box there is a note taped to it stating that they are out of Shamrock Shakes.

Since I can no longer back out of line due to a row of soon to be disappointed customers lined up bumper to bumper behind me, I am relegated to order something. I order two vanilla shakes. I tell my daughter I have a plan.


I break out my Creme de Menthe extract and drop it in slowly. I even add a touch of green food coloring and voila! A Shamrock Shake is born!*

*Do not ever do this. 

I plan to attempt another Shamrock Shake run tomorrow. If anyone has a Leprechaun, please let me know.

10 responses

  1. You know, I’ve never had a Shamrock Shake?
    How sad is that?

    February 28, 2018 at 1:01 pm

  2. GAH! YOU MUST! Make this a part of your immediate Bucket List. Adventure awaits!

    February 28, 2018 at 1:11 pm

  3. My thoughts on this subject are angry and confused. First, like Diet Coke, they up and changed the McRecipe and shamrock shakes just taste… wrong. Way too sweet, and the not-mint flavor is not mint. I blame the NSA, and our bouffant-coiffed, orange mummy-scrotum leader. That’s the ‘angry.’ For the ‘confused’ part, I’ll just say that a friend of mine once referred to these green-tinged fat-bombs as, “leprecum.” I have no idea what cum tastes like, so I’m confused. Also, should I be drinking them? /ramble

    February 28, 2018 at 6:58 pm

  4. That’s a whole lot of angst for a milkshake. Me thinks thou might want to lay on a couch and tell us about your mother…

    February 28, 2018 at 7:04 pm

    • Really? My response to any therapist’s allusion along that line would be, “Oh, really? Well, dickwad, my mom was George S. Motherfucking Patton, and my Dad was Sam Elliot’s mustache. Prepare to die painfully.”

      In other words, my experience has taught me that therapists are the people in our society who most need therapy.

      February 28, 2018 at 7:14 pm

  5. My experience has taught me that all can be cured with a Shamrock Shake.

    February 28, 2018 at 7:17 pm

    • I use liberal amounts of bacon, rage, and shitty beer.

      February 28, 2018 at 7:28 pm

      • It worked for Patton!

        February 28, 2018 at 7:29 pm

  6. I feel your pain, sister. For years, I’ve been trying to convince McDonalds to honor my Scottish heritage by issuing a Haggis milkshake around Jan. 25th, Robbie Burns’ birthday. No luck so far. Maybe if I enlisted Rants’ help to show them the error of their ways…. 😯 I’m sure that he’d love one. 😆 🌯

    March 1, 2018 at 5:28 pm

    • I don’t think a smooth talking Sean Connery could convince me to drink a haggis milkshake. Now, a Lagavulin shake I might just try…

      March 5, 2018 at 5:58 pm