The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Answer an Impossible Question and WIN A PRIZE!

When I get bored, which is often, I send my mother random texts to annoy her like, “I lost my Saint Anthony medal and can’t find it.” (shout out to all my Catholic homies who get the significance of this). I also like to send annoying texts sent as people she doesn’t know. It never occurs to her to question who they are from, which makes them that much funnier.

Due to the change in our political climate, I’ve had to cease sending her my favorite kind of text, those from random immigration officers. It’s not so funny anymore now that deportation is a possibility.

I was recently scrolling through my phone, reminiscing, when I found a text that I’d forgotten I’d sent. It read:

“Hello Ms.__________,

I am an officer with the US Department of Immigration informing you that you have been flagged as a potential undocumented alien. (She’s not). In order for you to remain in the USA, you must provide the answer to the following question within the next 24 hours or face deportation:

Who was the first American to vote Republican during the 1895 Butte, Montana Mayoral election?

A correct answer will prove you are a citizen and a Patriot. An incorrect answer will get you a one-way ticket back to the old country ___________, if that is your real name…”

I remember this one in particular because she about lost her mind trying to find the answer to the question. My shenanigans came to a screeching halt when she asked my sister for help.

Finding this text today triggered a thought: Just who was the first American to vote Republican in the 1895 Butte, Montana Mayoral election? I pulled this question straight out of my derriere, so I had no idea the answer. What else was there to do but consult the Google?

I found NOTHING.

Short of personally visiting the archives in Butte, Montana I don’t believe I will ever get an answer to this question. That’s where you come in:

Anyone who can provide the answer to this question, with proof, will receive a FREE paperback copy of my book, THE GODS OF ASPHALT.  There is no time limit. The answer to the question can be provided in the comments or emailed to me at heellisgoa at gmail


15 responses

  1. It was Isaiah Parker, a highly opinionated rancher who resided in Silver Bow County who thought he could legally vote in the mayoral election in Butte, though he could not. Parker apparently was a well-known sheep rancher, contrary to the strongly beef cattle-ranching culture. Debate remains to this day whether his vote counts or not, given that Butte is the county seat of Silver Bow County. Of course, he has detractors to this day because he favored Anaconda, MT, over Butte as the capitol of Montana, and was outspoken about his position. No matter what, nobody will know for certain because Ms. Hannah H. Persig, a county employee and record-keeper, died over the voter records with a cigar in the corner of her mouth, which ignited the records of voters that year. She still holds the crown for foal gelding in Deer Lodge County, though that is also not on record.

    March 21, 2018 at 7:42 pm

    • My God, I hope she really did have a cigar in the corner of her mouth!

      March 22, 2018 at 11:34 am

  2. Duhh, Enquiring Canadian minds want to know, “What’s a Democrat?”
    I found a St. Anthony medal one day, and turned it into a blog-post – through the tears of my ironic laughter. 😆

    March 21, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    • I need to read this post!

      March 22, 2018 at 11:34 am

      • It was published as ‘Ironically Christian’ on Jan. 21, 2013. It was actually a St. Jude’s medal that I found. I confused St. Jude with St. Christopher because the wife and her Catholic family apparently knew little more about their brand of religion than I did. 🙄 Now I’ve confused my St. Jude with your St. Anthony.
        If you or M haven’t noticed already, John Erickson is back on the air. 😀

        March 22, 2018 at 5:59 pm

        • Saint Christopher is the patron Saint of travelers, and Saint Jude is the patron Saint of Lost Causes. I’ll leave it at that. 😉

          March 30, 2018 at 11:20 am

  3. Megan Stephenson

    Probably called John Smith or something ahaha.

    March 22, 2018 at 2:50 am

    • That is a very fair bet!

      March 22, 2018 at 11:35 am

  4. Megan took my answer. I would have like to say it was Mary Hotsweiler who snuck in and voted when her husband was off hunting illegally, hence in endearing rebellion voted to spite his sorry ass. Alas, it was for naught as Mary was found out and publicly shamed with a scarlet letter “D” pinned to her chest. Her husband was embarrassed and fled to Manitoba to start a goat farm. Sad really.

    March 22, 2018 at 7:22 am

    • No real answer is going to be as awesome as this one. 🙂

      March 22, 2018 at 11:35 am

  5. Oh man… I can relate to your sense of humor… says the guy who typed a fake spam paragraph, and then cut and pasted it into hundreds of random blogs, and then got kicked out of wordpress for a week while they determined if I was a robot or a real person… sigh.

    March 23, 2018 at 9:34 pm

  6. The guys name was Walt Spears. He was a local dentist whose only other claim to fame in that town was that he was the first person in the area to buy one of those bicycle things that had the gigantic wheel in the front and tiny wheel in the back…there’s a pic of him on it acting all cocky and smug that he took for the local paper…looked like a douche but it was probably the hat that made him look that way. Who am I to judge?
    Hope that clears up the big debate.

    March 26, 2018 at 12:30 pm

    • From now on whenever I go to vote, I am going to ride one of those old timey bicycles to the voting station!

      March 30, 2018 at 11:22 am