The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Top 10 Reasons Why My Husband is a Saint

Hello.

My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am chronically immature.

That’s a bit harsh. Maybe a more accurate description would be that I am suffering from a case of arrested development. I guess that’s what you’d call my need to prioritize my life by what is fun as opposed to what is necessary. My AD affliction isn’t so bad in and of itself, but it affects my husband’s life daily. Here are the top ten reasons why my husband is a saint:

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1. Goes out of his way to drive by Pokestops so I can load up on Pokeballs whenever we are out running errands

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2. Endures a two week long Marvel movie marathon as a lead up to the opening of INFINITY WARS

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3. Demonstrates patience as I declare myself “Charlemagne!” after discovering my direct lineage

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4. Indulging my new found obsession with cooking and baking because my need for immediate gratification is not satisfied by writing

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5. Buying me a DC parking pass so I can run around the tidal basin all Steve Rogers/Captain America like, despite the multiple free running trails all around our house

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6. Tolerating me slamming his inbox with irate emails venting about the flame wars I get into with trolls (more on that to come)

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7. Very tentatively tolerating me baking specially made cookies for the squirrels who inhabit our backyard and then feeding them by hand in the house

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8. For not teasing me about my lack of object permanence whenever I forget I have an upstairs bathroom that I swore I would clean

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9. For enduring 365 days of my all-consuming love of everything Halloween20171031_181320

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10. Supporting my full time job as a stay at home writer, despite my lack of ability to finish the sequel to a novel I wrote eight years ago

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This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to why my husband is the best.

Hmm…maybe I should write a book about him…

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9 responses

  1. You two are both awesome. I am so looking forward to meeting the mispatched pair of you. Sorta like Yin and….squirrel. 😉

    May 14, 2018 at 6:07 pm

    • Bwa ha ha. That quote is right up there next to, “Hold my beer… watch this shit.”

      May 14, 2018 at 7:07 pm

      • I think “Yin and Squirrel” should go on a welcome mat.

        May 15, 2018 at 4:20 pm

  2. ALL HAIL KAROLUS HELLICUS MAGNUS! Protector of the Realm!

    By the way, I don’t mind any of this. Also, your object permanence thing… it’s rubbing off. Did you know WE HAVE AN ENTIRE SECOND STORY? WTF? Nobody tells me shit around here.

    Also, I’m waiting for Karolus Hellicus Magnus to knight me or some shit like that, with a big-assed hammer to go with… that only I can pick up.

    May 14, 2018 at 7:13 pm

    • You’re doing better than me. Shit is all anyone ever tells me around here.
      I’ll give you a tour of the second floor after we arrive. I assume you’re putting us old bats up in the attic. And I’ll bring along a sword, so that she can run you….uh, knight you. Would you prefer the rapier, or one of the katanas?? 😉

      May 15, 2018 at 4:27 am

    • Thor himself would have to knight you with Mjolnir since no one can lift it but you.

      May 15, 2018 at 4:22 pm

  3. Wait… he indulges you by letting you cook for him???

    May 15, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    • It sounds more awesome than it is. I make HUGE dinners and desserts just about everyday. Like, Thanksgiving sized meals. It gets overwhelming.

      May 15, 2018 at 4:24 pm