The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Author Archive

Justice

Well, it’s done.

Soon-to-be Justice Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed.

Whether that fact pans out to be a good or bad decision, only time will tell. Some of us are rejoicing. Others, like me, are beyond disappointed. Not because I believe he is guilty. Only he and Dr. Ford know the truth. I am angry because (more…)


Top 10 Reasons Why My Husband is a Saint

Hello.

My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am chronically immature.

That’s a bit harsh. Maybe a more accurate description would be that I am suffering from a case of arrested development. I guess that’s what you’d call my need to prioritize my life by what is fun as opposed to what is necessary. My AD affliction isn’t so bad in and of itself, but it affects my husband’s life daily. Here are the top ten reasons why my husband is a saint:

(more…)


Gallery

Series: Life & Decay

Very rarely do I hear about young people striving to achieve much more than amass an audience for their whining, which is why I am honored to showcase the work of such an amazing talent and human as Vy Chau. Please drop by her blog. You won’t be disappointed.

"Life" Part 1 of my "Series: Life & Decay"

V. Chau

“Life, Decay, Retribution, & Last Hope”

(2017 // Board Width Ranges: 7.75″-8.5″)

Medium: Refurbished wooden skateboards,

& longboards with acrylic paint & micron pens.

Process Photos 

Theme & Characteristics:  This particular series was composed in such a way to emphasize the disruptions in organic shapes using rigid patterns. This intrusion of organic space is an analogy to the influence of humankind on the natural environment. More specifically it is about the intrusions of ivory poaching and its effects on elephants, a highly empathetic animal that doesn’t deserve to be hunted to extinction.

The only piece to break this style was my final board, “Last Hope.” This final addition to my series symbolizes lost innocence and memorializes these great beasts in their traditional setting. The style used in this piece was the opposite of the theme. Instead of harsh geometrics, or patterns breaking up organic space, there is no…

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Answer an Impossible Question and WIN A PRIZE!

When I get bored, which is often, I send my mother random texts to annoy her like, “I lost my Saint Anthony medal and can’t find it.” (shout out to all my Catholic homies who get the significance of this). I also like to send annoying texts sent as people she doesn’t know. It never occurs to her to question who they are from, which makes them that much funnier.

Due to the change in our political climate, I’ve had to cease sending her my favorite kind of text, those from random immigration officers. It’s not so funny anymore now that deportation is a possibility.

I was recently scrolling through my phone, reminiscing, when I found a text that I’d forgotten I’d sent. It read: (more…)


REVIEW: In a Dark, Dark Wood

Title: IN A DARK DARK WOOD51NtLcR7rPL._SX333_BO1204203200_

Author: RUTH WARE

Genre: SUSPENSE

Reviewer: VY CHAU

Ruth Ware’s psychological murder mystery hardened my cold dead heart.

Never did I expect that a novel about a bachelorette party gone wrong to stir up such deep pangs of sympathy for the main character, Nora Shaw. Perhaps it is the resemblance of similar struggles that I recognize in her personality to evoke such a reaction in myself. She is seen as the most troubled character out of the group. She is heavily introverted, and will go as far as ordering her groceries online to avoid going out into public. 
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Oh yeah, the first copy of PMAO’s new book is here!!!

Congratulations Pouring My Art Out!!!

Pouring My Art Out

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The joys of self-publishing. Yes, it is book four of The Otherwhere Chronicles, written by yours truly. I have received the very first copy, in order to proofread it, and look for formatting errors and what not.

a 2

I couldn’t decide which selfie was best to share for this post, but I have noticed two things already.

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There are no page numbers in the book… a glaring oversight…

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And I am not as good at taking selfies as I thought I was.

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Quest For A Shamrock Shake

Like most Americans, I mark the changing of seasons not by dates or by weather or by solstices, but by the return of iconic milkshakes. Arby’s Orange Creme shake marks the beginning of summer, their Pumpkin Cheesecake shake welcomes the fall, McDonald’s Eggnog shake is a classic every winter but the best and most anticipated of all is their Shamrock Shake in the spring.  (more…)


Dear President Trump

Arming our nation’s teachers to defend against mass shootings is not a solution because teachers, Mr. President, are not soldiers.

Arming a teacher with a weapon does not instantly turn that teacher into someone who is capable of taking a human life, no matter how proficient a marksman he or she is. They lack the intense psychological training and preparation soldiers receive that is necessary in order to take a life. Teachers are not soldiers and targets are not people.

Armed guards at schools is not a solution either. Anyone who has never taken a human life who says they can do so without hesitation is not someone you want armed anywhere near a child or a school. They will either become the kind of guard who stands frozen in a parking lot while children die inside, or they become a wannabe hero who takes a life because the opportunity to call it vigilantism presents itself. (*cough* George Zimmerman *cough*).

I have worked most of my adult life in the educational system and have only witnessed one instance where a decorated soldier successfully transitioned into teaching and believe me, the world would be a much better place if that man were in charge. But sadly, he is an anomaly. I believe that most teachers would not be able to pull the trigger on an armed child standing in front of them, especially if he or she knew the child. I know I wouldn’t be able to.

My vote, Mr. President, is not to react with defense, but with offense. Offense wins Super Bowls, right? So why not use offense to tackle this problem? Let’s put our tax dollars BACK into schools. Let’s hire more teachers so they are able to offer more one-on-one attention to students. Let’s serve healthy breakfasts and lunches because trying to do anything on an empty stomach is a waste of time. Support after school activities and pay the people who run these programs a reasonable wage to do so.

Maybe most importantly, let’s hire more counselors who can identify problem students early and then give them resources to help that child grow into someone who doesn’t become so disenfranchised that he or she shoots up their own school.

Did you notice, Mr. President, that when kids shoot up a school, they shoot up THEIR school? And why not? School is the entire world to a child, and if that child feels as though that world doesn’t want them, the rejection becomes too much to bear. And let’s not forget that the majority of people who murder children at school are children themselves. More guns are not the answer to that problem. Early intervention is.

Mr. President, we don’t need another mouthpiece for the NRA. We need you to make a pledge to invest as much time, effort and money into the safety of our children as you do anything else that crosses your desk.

Thank you.


Look at These Faces

Take a look at these faces. They belong to a Mexican Immigrant, a Chinese-American, and an all American white girl. These three heroes dreamed of spending their adult lives doing exactly what they did one sad morning, protecting the lives of others. I cannot tell you how furious I am that our President has so little respect for who these three represent; women, “dirty Mexicans” and people from “Chiiiiiiina.” I have been proud to share a nation with these three stellar humans for the short time they were allowed to exist here. Let’s hope our President strives to reach the standard they set for us all.

READ MORE ABOUT ALAINA PETTY, PETER WANG AND MARTIN DUQUE HERE

BBJnzUp


I’m A Bildungsroman!

A few posts ago I lamented on what genre my teen protagonist driven novel belonged to.

I somehow stumbled on to this site and found a genre that I’ve never heard of, and one that I think applies very well to my novel. It’s called Bildungsroman!

What is Bildungsroman? Here’s a quick and simple definition:

Bildungsroman is a genre of novel that shows a young protagonist’s journey from childhood to adulthood (or immaturity to maturity), with a focus on the trials and misfortunes that affect the character’s growth.

Some additional key details about Bildungsromans: (more…)


Late To The Party Reviews

Do you want a break from the hassle of remembering whether or not you’ve enjoyed a piece of literature from years past? Wouldn’t you like to hear how other readers interpret a novel you’ve delighted in many, many times before?

If so, then welcome to LATE TO THE PARTY reviews! Join H.E. Ellis and her band of merry men (and women) as they review novels you’ve already read! Mock them mercilessly as they struggle to craft a timely review of a novel that’s decades old! Once the laughing is over, consider suggesting another book to review. It’s that simple!

The LATE TO THE PARTY team take their reviews seriously and themselves..not so much.

 

DOMESTIC FICTION:

WINTER’S BONE – Daniel Woodell

EROTICA:

HAREM MASTER – R.B. Hatch

SCI-FI/FANTASY:

SALOON AT THE EDGE OF EVERYWHERE – A.H. Browne

More to come!


REVIEW: Winter’s Bone

 

Title: WINTER’S BONE

Author: DANIEL WOODRELL

Genre: DOMESTIC FICTION

If, like me, you thought this book was a glimpse into the world of albino porn, then prepare yourself for disappointment.

If, however, you are captivated by a story about Ozark Americans with names like (more…)


Genre Definitions

I’ve recently entered a short story competition sponsored by NYC Midnight. They assign genres, topics and characters as prompts for your story. They have a list of genre definitions that I found extremely helpful. You can find it below and here as well.

GENRE DEFINITIONS

Action/Adventure

A suspenseful story in which a mission involving risk and danger forms the primary storyline. The protagonist, who is typically operating outside the course of his or her daily life, embarks on a journey to confront obstacles and prove worthiness. Action sequences are frequently featured, especially those involving chases, explosions, and attacks. This genre has its roots in Greek and Medieval literature, including Homer’s classic epic poem, the Iliad, which tells of the battles and events during the weeks of a quarrel between King Agamemnon and the warrior Achilles. (more…)


Who Is My Target Audience?

I wrote a young adult novel entitled THE GODS OF ASPHALT. The storyline came to me while I was sick, listening to my sons and their father argue in the next room while I lay in bed, unable to referee their emotions. For over a month I listened to them fight, play, and solve problems without me. It was mind-blowing. I felt like Dian Fossey. But instead of gorillas, I discovered how men interact with each other when women aren’t around.

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The MLK Challenge

I am blessed to share my birthday with the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, who would have been 89 years-old today. I’ve always felt a kinship with Dr. King because of our shared birthdays, and have strived to emulate him in word and deed my whole life. This isn’t always easy to do, because unlike my best friend who shares a birthday with Hitler, my birthday has some pretty big shoes to fill.

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A Character Says What?

I started writing in earnest in the spring of 2009. Back then, my friend and I would email little snippets of our writing to each other for critique. Because we were just getting a feel for character development, we decided to visit a few writing sites for ideas. One of the ideas we liked was to ask our characters twenty questions. That concept was a great place to start, but the questions were fairly basic. Me being me, I decided to create my own list of questions to really put ourselves in the hearts and minds of our characters. I found them to be helpful even today with my new characters. I hope you do too.

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I Got Merch!

The merch in question is an infinity scarf, covered in my novella, REAPERS WITH ISSUES. This amazing Christmas gift is from a longtime friend, worn by my short-time Kiddo.

I have heard of companies that make this particular type of product but have never seen it in real life. For someone who has been struggling to write lately, this gift came just in time. Reading my words has re-energized me, and hopefully my writing as well.

I was lucky to have a friend in my corner when I really needed it. Our friend The Hook could use some kind words today as well. Stop in to visit and offer some of your own. (more…)


I Am A Cockroach

You may not know this about me, but I can be kind of a dick.

Keep that in mind if you decide to email me promises of wealth beyond my imagination, supplied by the overthrown Prince of a war-ravaged country or by Nigerian/Sudanese/Ugandan dissidents. You may not like how the conversation goes. (more…)


Firestop

Photo by Jen Kolb

Two years. Seven months. Fifteen days.

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve posted anything on what used to be my favorite place in the world. Life has a funny way of pulling your attention elsewhere, whether you like it or not.

What I didn’t know before I began writing was that life has always had its own plan for me. That plan is to be what I call “Keeper of the Pain.” Everyone’s pain. I have been destined to hold everyone together while they fall apart, my own wants and needs be damned. I tempted fate when I stepped away from that role to indulge in something for myself- my writing. I looked away for what felt like a moment and when I looked back, my life was in flames.

It has taken me two years, seven months and fifteen days to gain control of that fire, but it is far from extinguished. My role as Keeper of the Pain burns on.

The struggle I face is incorporating my own wants, needs and pain into the firestorm of problems that I deal with daily. This blog, I hope, will become a firestop-  a small, controlled burn to keep the larger fires from raging out of control, consuming me once more.

I hope to light a fire of my own.

I hope.


Bored Hellis and the Effed-up Texts

fbf-1Hello, everyone. My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am a colossal pain in the ass when I’m bored.

Most days I keep my boredom at bay by adding cartoon characters or celebrities I’ve never met to my phone’s contact list, or by pranking unsuspecting people who happen to incorrectly dial my cellphone number. Then there are days when the boredom is too much and I share my pain by sending random and nonsensical texts to the poor souls who happen to know me.

Featured here are the best responses to the inane chatter that escapes my head on a daily basis: (more…)


How to Avoid the Slushpile, by H.E. Ellis

fbf-1It’s Funny Blog Friday again, and I’m here to not only brighten your day but to pass along some sage advice on how to avoid the dreaded slushpile.

What’s the slushpile, you ask? The slushpile, my friends, is the virtual trash bin where your manuscript lands the moment a prospective agent determines it is not yet ready for publication. Believe me, after all your hard work this is no place you want to be.

So how do you avoid the slushpile? Read widely? Write often? Find yourself a solid writers’ group?

Hell no! You do it by following my advice, of course! I’ve spent the past year creating a collection of books designed to help would-be authors navigate their way through the jungle that is the publishing world. Choose from the following: (more…)


Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler!

English PeasLong before I became a New Englander I was a native of the south, specifically southern Florida. And as anyone who’s either lived in or even just visited the south can attest, no one throws a party better than a southerner (back me up here, Dayton). Because in the south a party isn’t just a party- it’s a balls-out drunken feeding frenzy of Bacchanalian proportion. I blame the heat.

It should come as no surprise that the southern party of the year, Mardi Gras, is celebrated in the party Mecca better known as New Orleans, Louisiana. French for “Fat Tuesday,” Mardi Gras reflects the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty foods before the ritual fasting of the Lenten season.

Fat Tuesday, my friends, just happens to be today. (more…)


It’s….CUPID!!!

For Valentine’s Day I thought it only appropriate to interview the most wanted man, uh…boy in the world. I’m talking about the one, the only….CUPID.

CUPID – Pleasure to be here. Despite this being my busy time of year, I can always find time for you H.E., you helped my blog become what it is today and for that my heart is ever at your service…..You know, if you wanted I could set you up with somebody? I still feel bad about your last relationship. In my defense though, you were the one who fucked that up. Cupid’s arrow is rarely wrong and sometimes you got to give a little to get a little if you know what I mean….

***** So tell the readers, what is the hardest part being the God of Desire?

CUPID – The hardest part? My cock. (more…)


Toxic Feminism and the Genius of Kurt Sutter

katey-sagal-interview-01I’ve observed a shift within the women’s rights movement over the past few years that I can no longer ignore or endure- a shift that to the naked eye presents as female empowerment but in reality is the rampant emotional and spiritual emasculation of men.

Somewhere during their very noble and necessary journey out of the kitchen, some women have lost their way. More accurately, they’ve taken a step too far.

Much the way a group of zealots do a disservice to the rest of their religions’ genuinely faithful followers, these toxic harpies besmirch the good name of women everywhere with their attempts to pass emasculation off as a philosophical justification for their bad behavior.

For these women, the line between true empowerment and domination has been blurred and I, like all good Americans, blame television. More specifically, I blame Kurt Sutter.

Before you accuse me of skipping my Adderall, let me explain. (more…)