The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

London Calling

Flash Fiction – UK Style

I decided to attempt a Flash Fiction Challenge when I saw the inspiration pic on BrainRants’ blog. If you would like to give the challenge a try, start at Rochelle’s Purple Blog and join the fun.

Here’s the concept (shamelessly stolen from Rants’ Blog): A weekly picture is posted, and the writer is challenged to produce one-hundred (more or less) words of some sort of fiction with a complete plot (beginning, middle and end). I’m calling out my girl Megan to give this one a try. Now, on with the frivolities!

Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields

Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields


Bob Geldof caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass and realized he was Gary Oldman. Or was he Ewan Mcgregor? No matter. His first two wishes; a London flat and cash to go with it were executed perfectly. He didn’t mind the Leprechaun taking license with the third. There were many handsome Brits to choose from as a model for his new body. He had been lonely long enough.

Girlish giggles preceded the knock on the door and he rushed to answer shouting, “Just a minute.” The sound of Annie Lennox’s voice leaving his throat stopped him cold.

London Calling…Lost At Sea

When real world me can’t sleep real world me watches late night television. The other night I caught Gilligan’s Island and it got me thinking; what would the IMONTHEBANDWAGON boys do if they were lost at sea?

So of course, I had to ask:

*** 1. While on tour your plane experiences engine trouble and the pilot advises you to prepare for a water landing. As the plane plummets toward the ocean you visualize your funeral. What celebrity would each of you want to deliver your eulogy?

MIKE: Hmmm hard questions.

JOWETT: With the amount of people you have pissed off, there wouldn’t be a point in having a funeral for you, no one would turn up.

MIKE: (Laughs)

JOWETT: People would turn up after, to dance on your grave. Mind you there wouldn’t be enough room. They would have to scatter your ashes in Ibiza.


RYAN: I would have someone funny.

MIKE: Well if I can’t have a funeral, you wouldn’t be able to!

RYAN: I haven’t pissed anyone off.

MIKE: Well you’re always with me when I have said something.


MIKE: Guilty by association.

RYAN: What about Joel?

MIKE: Nah people like him.

JOEL: I would have Adam Brody.


MIKE: Who’s that?

JOWETT: He’s an American actor? Isn’t he? Wasn’t he in The OC?

JOEL: Yeah.

MIKE: Why him?

JOEL: He owe’s me a favour.


JOEL: I met him once and I did him a favour, so he owes me one.

MIKE: Not because you think he’s a good actor then? Literally because…

JOEL: He owe’s me one.


JOWETT: This isn’t like ringing up one of your mates that knows a bit about plumbing when your dishwasher packs in. “Right I’ll give Adam a bell, he owe’s me one!”

JOEL: I stand by it.

MIKE: Next.


*** 2. After the plane crashes into the ocean the three of you swim to the shore of an uncharted island. Who do you choose to be the leader, and why?

RYAN: I really don’t like the sound of this idea.

MIKE: It would be alright. I would be the leader obviously.

RYAN: That’s alright mate, I would just…. swim off.


MIKE: It would be a laugh! I would be a good leader, Keep morale going until we were being rescued.

JOWETT: No chance, you would be a vile little bastard after about…3 hours.


JOWETT: “I’m going to fall out with the next person that doesn’t listen to my complaints about the sand.”


JOWETT: And what about this, the next question is…


*** 3. You search the island only to discover that there is a limited food supply. You come to the grim realization that once the food supply is exhausted; one of you is going to have to be eaten. Which one of you is it?

MIKE: Joel.

RYAN: Joel.


JOEL: (Sounding offended) Awww!

RYAN: Sorry mate but, sometimes even now I forget you are around.


MIKE: True. And I just couldn’t put up with your questions “So, what WAS Goofy?”


JOEL: Well what was….




*** 4. Miraculously a search plane finds you before you are forced to resort to cannibalism. Once you return home, what is the first thing you eat/drink/do?

RYAN: I dunno, I would probably still be stressed.

MIKE: How you gonna snap yourself out of that? Book a holiday?


MIKE: I would get home, sit down and think, “Life is short and you have to make the most of it and waste any moment” and then continue with my legal case against the writers of ‘Lost’ for wasting people’s time.


JOEL: I would start on my auto-biography, early, entitled “My mates were going to eat me you know.”



*** 5. Impressed by your bravery, Her Majesty the Queen invites you for tea. You are instructed that you are allowed to ask for one thing of Her Majesty. What does each of you ask for?

JOWETT: I know what this would be.

MIKE: Knight-hood!

JOWETT: Knew it. Shit answer.

MIKE: Well! Wouldn’t you?

JOWETT: For what? Living on a Desert island for a bit?


JOWETT: Yeah fair point.

MIKE: Failing that, I would want to have as much money as Chris Martin because, let’s face it, it’s not fair, OR I’d ask for all British money to be printed with a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow, filing for divorce.



RYAN: Erm I’d ask her if she really didn’t have anything to do with the death of Princess Diana.

JOWETT: Well done, that sentence ensuring this whole concept will never happen.



JOEL: An hour in Kate Middleton’s bedroom.

JOWETT: Final nail in the coffin! Thanks lad’s!






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Got a question of your own?  email the boys at:

For more from Jowett and the boys visit LONDON CALLING and LONDON CALLING AGAIN!


London Calling…Again!

It’s time once again for London Calling and an interview with our boys from the IMONTHEBANDWAGON blog.

So today my questions are a bit more cultural. My next door neighbor is from Ireland and his name is Baoithein (pronounced bool-yon). He’s in his late 70’s and is forever popping up with the strangest ideas and notions that I hope you might explain to me. For instance, if two people are from Scotland he’ll pit them against each other in imaginary fight situations such as, “That Gordon Ramsay thinks he’s the stuff. Sean Connery’d knock the smart off his arse, I can tell you that much.”

*** So question number 1 is: What does being a Scot have to do with fighting and number 2, who would win? Ramsay or Connery?

RYAN: They just like a fight don’t they?

MIKE: Well yeah. It is a bit grim up there. It makes people want to fight. I’d fight people if I lived in Scotland. Sat on my doorstep waiting for the milk man to arrive in the morning so I could drop him

JOWETT: Already offended A NATION

MIKE: Oh come on. They love violence, it cheers them up! I got a taxi in Scotland once, right, and my taxi driver ploughed through a pigeon, it exploded in a ball of feathers on his windscreen, he turned to me and goes (Scottish accent) “Waheeeeeeey! It’s gonna be a good day!”


*** Number 2, who would win? Ramsay or Connery?

RYAN: Connery is getting on a bit isn’t he?

JOEL: He is ‘James Bond’ though

JOWETT: He’s not, he’s an actor

JOEL: But he might of learnt stuff from playing ‘James Bond’. More helpful than what Gordon Ramsay knows

JOWETT: which is just cooking? I suppose Connery would be a rubbish chef

MIKE: (Sean Connery impression) “Your resturaunt’s a fucking disgrace”


MIKE: And Ramsay knows how to conduct an affair for like 10 years


JOWETT: Allegedly. We don’t know that to be true

MIKE: I do, it was all over the news, not long back

JOWETT: Please answer the question

MIKE: Ramsay

*** Question 3: Baoithein is a HUGE fan of Talisker, and hounds me daily to get them to sponsor my blog so he can have free samples. What drink are you boys fans of?

RYAN: Anything really

JOWETT: Yeah you do all seem to drink a lot a varied drinks

JOEL: I like Kronenberg

MIKE: We like cider mostly though

RYAN: Yeah! We do like our cider

JOWETT: Mmm you do don’t you. Before they all discovered Cider they were nice young men, made the occasional joke and now, well…

MIKE: Joel told me last week that he thought ‘Rosa Parkes’ sounded like a Garden Centre

JOEL: Fuck off!

JOWETT: ……to the makers of ‘Magners Cider’ look what you’ve done


*** Question 4: Baoithein calls my ex-husband a “wanker,” so…what is that?

MIKE: A very bed person

JOEL: Doesn’t ‘wanker’ date back to like Shakespeare times?

MIKE: (Laughs) No

JOWETT: No I don’t think so mate

JOEL: It was in ‘Shakespeare in love’ wasn’t it?

JOWETT: I haven’t seen it, but even that film isn’t 100% accurate

JOEL: Well I thought it was believable

MIKE: A film where Gwyneth Paltrow goes out with someone talented? Nah


JOWETT: (Laughing) Look at his face! You’re happy with that joke aren’t you!

MIKE: I am ah!

*** Question 5: What signature song (not counting your own) do you boys play to get a lady “in the mood?” (This is my question, not Baoithein’s).

JOWETT: (Laughs) Look at you all! I can tell by your faces you are thinking of song title puns

MIKE: I’m not!

RYAN: ‘Could well be in’ by ‘The Streets’


JOWETT: Ryan is straight in there first

MIKE: Joel’s parents used to fight? didn’t they?

JOEL: Why?

MIKE: ‘Sugar we’re going down swinging’ by ‘Fall Out Boy’?


JOWETT: Harsh mate, harsh

JOEL: ‘Baby I love you’ by ‘The Ramones’

MIKE: That’s rubbish!

JOWETT: (Laughs) Aww Joel actually answered it properly!

MIKE: ‘Kiss with a fist’ Florence and the Machine’?

JOWETT: Can you please stop applying them all to Joel’s parents marriage?

MIKE: Sorry


For more from the boys you can find their first London Calling post HERE and then head over to the RANDOMVILLE blog for another dose of British hilarity. Until next time…CHEERS!


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London Calling

As a lover of all things British I was “chuffed to bits” (really pleased) to have the opportunity to interview the WordPress darlings that are IMONTHEBANDWAGON. For those rare few of you who may not know, IMONTHEBANDWAGON is a blog penned by a chap we’ll call “Jowett” and well…I’ll let him introduce himself and his blog:

“For the purpose of this blog I am going to refer to myself as Jowett.  I am currently working on tour with a successful British music band. I work very closely with the members of the band and spend all my time around them. However, due to legal reasons, I cannot reveal the band’s identity.

While on tour and working around them I have decided to keep a record of some of the conversations and incidents that arise. I am going to use this blog as a way of recording the events and conversations that happen with the band while on tour. I have had permission from all parties to record these conversations and publish them, no matter how controversial. They have however, expressed to be left nameless.”

Honestly, how could I resist? Well I couldn’t, so at least once a month I’ll be interviewing Jowett’s boys for their own feature post I’ve named “London Calling.” For our first interview I called on the talents of local high school students to provide some out of the box questions for our boys.


JOWETT: Right here are the questions, all of which come from High School kids.

*** Joe W. asks, “Which country has the best groupies and why?”

RYAN: I think Joel can answer that one

MIKE: Yeah

JOEL: Erm bigger girls

MIKE: That’s not a country, mate

JOEL: Oh sorry, erm…

RYAN: Joel has actually been told to cut down on that

MIKE: Yeah, the local papers seem to get wind of whatever he gets up to

JOEL: Yeah, where do they get that stuff from?

MIKE: You said that without irony once, I think you actually were reading the paper while turfing some bird out of your room at the time “Where do they gets this information from!?…are you still here? fuck off!”


JOEL: (Tuts) Scotland



JOEL: Just….filth

JOWETT: Fair enough


*** Zack D. asks, “What weird requests do each of you make in your riders?

MIKE: Erm Joel always insists on having ‘Monster Munch’ in his rider that no one else is allowed to touch. I had his last pack once and he shouted at me. But obviously while he was shouting at me he had to shout the words “Monster Munch,” so I couldn’t take him seriously.


JOEL: Also, I always ask for Doritos, but never ever get them

MIKE: I don’t ask for much, just the head of Chris Martin, failing that, Cheerio’s



RYAN: I ask for Doritos not to be put in our rider


*** John G. asks, “If they made a movie about your band what actors would play each of you?”

RYAN: We always said if a film was ever made about our band, it would be because something had gone badly badly wrong, like Mike had been assassinated for making flippant comments about Scientology or they found Joel swinging from the rafters, cock in hand, in front of his webcam.

JOEL: I would prefer if they did it with puppets, like in Team America

JOWETT: Who would do your voice though?

JOEL: Mmm I like Samuel Jackson


MIKE: (Samuel Jackson impression) Who ate my mother fucking last bag of Monster Munch?


RYAN: I’d suggest Christian Bale, but I don’t think they would know when he was acting or not when it comes to acting like a prick “Christian please! We haven’t turned on the cameras yet! Stop stop!”


*** Shawn H. asks, “What American slang word or term tripped you up? (you didn’t understand the meaning).”

RYAN: (Laughs) Erm when we were last in America, we were backstage at a gig having a few drinks and Joel managed to smash a bottle and cut himself. He went to ask someone for a first aid kit or something and they asked him if he wanted a ‘band-aid’ he goes “Yeah band aid! I need band aid” thinking it was some sort of service, he was gutted when he just got a plaster.

MIKE: He also thought fanny pack was an American nickname for a team of groupies.


*** Nick L. asks, “Has there ever been a place where you’ve refused to perform or a place that has refused you and why?”

RYAN: Mmm never refused to play anywhere but we have been banned from a few places.

MIKE: There is a club in England that we are banned from for fighting after a gig. We spoke about it on the website actually (you can find this post HERE). We got into a fight with some locals that were giving Joel abuse. It all kicked off and basically our security tore everyone apart, including bouncers. The owners told us to leave and I remember Joel standing on top of a pile of people going “We are going nowhere!

JOWETT: I remember this, what happened after?

MIKE: We left, thought it was best


*** Olivia V. asks, “What American band would you most like to perform with?”

RYAN: There are a lot of American bands we like and wouldn’t mind collaborating with. Kings Of Leon, The Strokes. We all fans of Hip-hop though as well, especially American Hip-Hop and think we could do some damage if we had a Rapper on a song.

MIKE: I pushed for a collaboration with Pitbull


MIKE: There’s a lot of money in comedy album. Then the money can go to what ever charity got him through his stroke.

(For more insight into Mike’s opinion on a certain rapper named Pitbull, check out this post HERE).

*** Alyssa B. “If your contract monies were to be divided by each band member’s penis length who’d get the biggest cut?”

RYAN: Mike

JOEL: Mike

JOWETT: That was a very fast answer. How the hell do you know?



JOWETT: Never mind that, how do you know?

RYAN: Nah it’s nothing like that, once we had this hand puppet of Phil Collins on our tour bus for some reason. Anyway, Mike got drunk and put the puppet on his hand and put his cock in the puppets mouth and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen singing ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’

MIKE: That’s in a refuge home now, for abused puppets


RYAN: Actually, he did it first with the Elton John puppet!

JOWETT: What? Where the fuck are you getting these celebrity hand puppets from?

RYAN: I can’t remember. But yeah he did it with the Elton one, started laughing and goes “Look, I have brought him down to my level” to which I replied “I think he’s always been at that level”


RYAN: And then he broke into ‘Rocket Man’, cock still in Elton’s mouth


RYAN: We have seen Joel’s too

MIKE: When?

RYAN: When he came out a toilet after a gig with this girl

MIKE: Ohhh yeah

JOEL: (Tut’s) Don’t tell this story

MIKE: She came bursting out the door, holding her eye, while Joel followed with his Jeans round his ankles

RYAN: Mike started laughing and goes “Whhhhaaaaayyyyyy looks like masturbation does make you go blind” and she turned to him and said, “It was a blowjob, dickhead.”


JOWETT: Well thank you lads!

***                And…we’re clear.                            ***

I don’t know about you, but I’m asking Santa for a Phil Collins hand puppet this Christmas. Stay tuned for the next installment of LONDON CALLING where I’ll be asking our boys who they think would win in a Battle of the Scots, Gordon Ramsay or Ray Banks (my money’s on Banks. That dude’s tough as shit). If there are any questions you’d like to see answered in a feature post you can email me at or the boys directly at


Follow Jowett and the boys at their blog: IMONTHEBANDWAGON

Follow them on Facebook at IMONTHEBANDWAGON

Follow them on twitter @jowettbandwagon

So until next time…CHEERS!