The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eleven

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a featured SPaM blogger. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

 

*** THE SECRET ADMIRER MAY HAVE WRITTEN A PREVIOUS LETTER ***

 

To my one true love H.E. Ellis,

I really had to write this letter to you and express my feelings.  First off I wanted to say, I have a HUGE crush on you.  Yes, I know.  You read my blog and know by now that I tend to seduce different women from time to time, and might feel that you’re just going to be my next conquest, but I Promise you are the only woman I have told that I have a Huge Crush on all day!  As you also know, I’m all about following my dreams, so once I realized how amazing a woman you really are I couldn’t hesitate any longer.  Something about the comment you left me about Rocking my Blogroll sparked something inside me that I tried to resist and ignore at first, but things happened.  I couldn’t resist my growing feelings any longer.

Now I don’t want to be a jerk and stroke your ego, and I certainly don’t want you to think of me as anal, so I’ll tell you what happened that made me come all over the idea that you were truly the ideal woman for me.  I know this may not make sense when you first read it but if you really think long and hard about this, you can grab hold of the hugeness of the meaning and allow it to slip deep inside your mind and penetrate deeply into your thoughts. I’m sure once you’re done reading this, you’ll come over and over and over and over again to the conclusion that, despite my seductive nature, I’m just a regular guy with a big, giant heart on my sleeve, and that we could find true happiness penetrating deep into our lives.  The kind of happiness you can really feel and see growing stronger, if we really could come together in that special way, that only true lovers feel.

Let me explain:

I was having a discussion with my friend’s wife, Kat, the other day.  Rod is her husband, and a good buddy of mine, who own’s a little butcher shop on the south side of Chicago called Rod’s Meats.  Well, Kat was explaining to me how boring her job as manager of Rod’s Meats had been getting.  It had become really routine.  All she would do was write the checks, process the orders, do a bunch of paperwork and scheduling.  She was also in charge of taking in the meat deliveries when they arrived.  Like I said, she told me that her job had become really mundane, until recently, when something amazingly unexpected took place.

Kat told me that a few days ago, they had a much larger than average sausage order get delivered to the store.  Usually they can take the meat right in the front door, but this sausage order was way too large. She decided, instead of just trying to jam it all in the front door, that they would try something different.  So, Kat decided she wanted to try taking the meat in the back door, and boy was she satisfied that she did!

She said at first it was a little rough, but after a couple of minutes she said she found herself relaxing, and soon the sausage started to slide in a lot smoother.  Kat said it felt so amazing and different, taking all that meat in the back door, so much so that she said it brought tears to her eyes a little.  All that meat just come flooding through the back door and before you know it they dropped an entire load all over the backside of her shop!  Kat told me she loved it so much, she couldn’t wait till the next time she could have someone deliver a really huge sausage order to her backdoor!

And for some strange reason, that got me thinking about you!  Call me silly, but it’s like her story awoke something in me and it was then I realized my love for you.  I think if you can bend things over in your mind, you might realize how truly real and special this love is.  It’s that special kind of love that can really sneak up on you, almost like it’s coming from behind you, where you can create an opening for all of this specialness and allow it to penetrate deep inside your soul.

But we can be even more than just lovers.  You have your book and the growing success of your blog to think about and that’s where I can really help you beyond just some random, “back door” passion that most guys will want to offer you.  H.E. Ellis, my true love, you are not like other women.  You’ve got something….  Something special, and I want it badly.  I want to be the man behind the woman!  I realize I’m coming all over you here, but it’s been building up inside me for weeks, and I can’t control myself.  Let me show you what you’ve got inside of you, what could be inside of you if you’d just give me the tiniest hole of opportunity.  Let’s go away together on our own little fantasy vacation.  Just give me the word and I’ll book a flight out from Chicago to come see you.  We can go back to your place right now and pack your shit!

Please don’t analyze this too much even if this does seem to be coming from behind. Let’s just take this whole thing all in, naturally.  I knows it’s a lot to grab hold of, maybe even hard to swallow, but if you can really strip away, and close off to all the things in life holding you back, you might find what we have is a rare and special kind of love, so innocent and pure, that can explode like an erupting volcano if we spread things open to allow it to grow.

Yours truly,
Loverboy Royale (Name changed to protect the innocent)


My Secret Admirer – Ten

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

 

My Dearest Blogger Stud,

I have been visiting your site for some time and I consider you more than just another blogger-man.  I consider you the ultimate in attractive blogger writers.  Oh, sure those other guys know how to woo a girl with promises of moon beams and flowers and even throw in a bit of sexy-love talk, but you…you know how to treat a girl to words far beyond that of other men.  

I know that we’ve never met and the possibility of meeting a cyber-porn queen such as myself can be a little daunting, but I modestly request a face-to-face.  Or face to-other-body-part, if you know what I mean.   I have no inhibitions about our future love as I know it will be the kind only written about in one of your blog posts.  I know we are meant to be together in every sense of the word and I can’t wait to see you in the flesh…all of it.

I have enclosed a little self-portrait for you to tape to your monitor.  The icicles that formed on my tits in this picture were due to the extreme loneliness that consumed me without you by my side, filling me with coldness and icy frigidity.  I long to see you so we can finally be together, but for now, you can think of me whenever you write one those endearing sagas about crumbly sidewalks and wayward streetcars.

I love you blogger man.  

Until we meet in person, I remain yours,

Eternal Love Goddess

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Dear Love Goddess,

First of all, I am not a man; no matter what Sparklebumps says. Unfortunately more than my girly parts stand in the way of our meeting; namely my hatred of cold weather. I prefer tropical climates that feature palm trees and sandy beaches. Do you know of any bloggers like that? Because I do….

So Sandy…what are you doing this Saturday?

Love,

H.E. Ellis

 

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Ten

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my CANADIAN SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

*** THE SECRET ADMIRER MAY HAVE WRITTEN A PREVIOUS LETTER ***

 

My Dearest Blogger Stud,

I have been visiting your site for some time and I consider you more than just another blogger-man.  I consider you the ultimate in attractive blogger writers.  Oh, sure those other guys know how to woo a girl with promises of moon beams and flowers and even throw in a bit of sexy-love talk, but you…you know how to treat a girl to words far beyond that of other men.  

I know that we’ve never met and the possibility of meeting a cyber-porn queen such as myself can be a little daunting, but I modestly request a face-to-face.  Or face to-other-body-part, if you know what I mean.   I have no inhibitions about our future love as I know it will be the kind only written about in one of your blog posts.  I know we are meant to be together in every sense of the word and I can’t wait to see you in the flesh…all of it.

I have enclosed a little self-portrait for you to tape to your monitor.  The icicles that formed on my tits in this picture were due to the extreme loneliness that consumed me without you by my side, filling me with coldness and icy frigidity.  I long to see you so we can finally be together, but for now, you can think of me whenever you write one those endearing sagas about crumbly sidewalks and wayward streetcars.

I love you blogger man.  

Until we meet in person, I remain yours,

Eternal Love Goddess

 


My Secret Admirer – Nine

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

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A Love letter of sorts

Here, a thought, an idea of mine,
considered by many as old as time:
love to be put down in rhyme.

While a little more than half your age
and admittedly a lot less profane,
my love for you extends over all hills
and most definitely includes thy mad writing skills.

To go on professing love for you Ellis,
one would have to make rhymes with likes of nellis,
for although not in the forces,
love would be cause to acknowledge, thy ability to break noses.

And last but not least, a love most pure,
is nothing without some sort of physical allure.
And on that note I wonder, ‘bout depths of my wrong,
should I have not remembered thou to be less than 5 feet long.

************

Someone once wrote me a rhyme

to which he devoted some time.

 

I attempted the same

only mine sounded lame,

…uh, El Guapo, how ’bout a little help here?

 

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Nine

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my SAY IT AIN’T SO post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

A Love letter of sorts

Here, a thought, an idea of mine,
considered by many as old as time:
love to be put down in rhyme.

While a little more than half your age
and admittedly a lot less profane,
my love for you extends over all hills
and most definitely includes thy mad writing skills.

To go on professing love for you Ellis,
one would have to make rhymes with likes of nellis,
for although not in the forces,
love would be cause to acknowledge, thy ability to break noses.

And last but not least, a love most pure,
is nothing without some sort of physical allure.
And on that note I wonder, ‘bout depths of my wrong,
should I have not remembered thou to be less than 5 feet long.


My Secret Admirer – Eight

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner so we’ll jump right to the love letter. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

 

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Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,

What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.

I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.

I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.

I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…

Who are you?

In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.

************

To whom it my concern,

I am returning your DNA kit as I am going to come straight out and tell you who I am. Honestly, I thought you would have guessed by now. I’ve mentioned in my blog that I am Italian and that most people think I’m a man. I’m heavy into music although I can’t sing, and own a 1968 Impala despite the fact that the 1967 model was more popular. Still can’t guess? Fine. I will tell you.

I am Frank Stallone.

NOW will you fuck me?

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eight

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my Top Ten Reasons” post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,

What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.

I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.

I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.

I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…

Who are you?

In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.


My Secret Admirer – Seven

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

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To whom it may concern,

Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!

I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?

Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.

I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.

One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.

Don’t contact me again.

 
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Dear Pookie-face,

I think it’s adorable how you deny your feelings for me. You and I were destined to be together. That’s what I told your grandmother when she wouldn’t let me into your house. She was a tough old bird, I’ll give her that. The anonymous cookies I sent filled with enough rat poison to take her down cost me nearly twenty dollars. But these are the sacrifices I’m willing to make for our love.

And can you blame me for licking the window glass? After all, you were wearing your feety pajamas as you stood drinking straight from the carton in front of your fridge, I mean come on?? What did you expect me to do? Knock on the door and ask to come in? How crazy is THAT??

I know there must be a reason why you won’t return my phone calls, emails, text messages, tweets, blog posts, Facebook, MySpace, snail mail, carrier pigeon, brick through your window, etc. I am convinced that SOMEONE is holding you back from expressing the love I know exists only for me. When I find out who that SOMEONE is…let’s just say you might want to make space next to Grandma.

My friends say I’m taking this too far. They say that if you were interested in me you’d have let me know by now. Because of this I am compelled to say…

LOVE ME!!!

Sigh…I feel much better.

As far as tampons go, there are plenty more where that from. Your dog gave the ultimate sacrifice for our love. In fact, there’s three jars worth of your Fluffy’s sacrifice in your fridge. Go on and look.

I’ll wait.

 

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Seven

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who was featured in a SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

*******

To whom it may concern,

Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!

I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?

Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.

I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.

One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.

Don’t contact me again.


My Secret Admirer – Six

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

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My dearest darling,

Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)

As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.

I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!

Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.

Forever yours,

Lenny

*************

Dear Lenny,

Sadly, I cannot meet with you as my father prohibits my dating outside our religion. As you well know my family belongs to The Church of Jedi Knights, and I have been betrothed to another. However, should the Empire defeat the Rebellion I may become available to meet for drinks. How familiar are you with the Mos Eisley Cantina?

May the Force be with you,

H.E.

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Six

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who hit the “Like” button on the ADVENTURE SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

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My dearest darling,

Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)

As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.

I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!

Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.

Forever yours,

Lenny


My Secret Admirer – Five

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Since the first two correct guesses already have copies of my ebook, I’ve decided to pass along a copy to the third correct guess. Find out who that is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook taken a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

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Dear H.E.,

I am your biggest fan. What I mean when I say biggest is that there is no one that adores you more than I do. I print out every blog post that you put up, and I have them put together in a folder with a drawing I’ve done of what I imagine you to look like. I’ve read Gods of Asphalt 17 times, and I can tell by your writing style and the things that you say on your blog that we are meant to be together.

I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, but if you would be willing to let me take you out on a date, I’m sure that you will feel it too. I thought you were a man at first, and that had me questioning my sexuality, because I never thought I was gay before, but your words just SPOKE to me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I found out you were actually a woman, I felt relieved, because now I know that we can be together the way we were meant to be, and I don’t have to worry about taking it up the butt.

I have to tell you something that really bothers me though. It really upsets me when you are flirty with that Glitterbutt girl on your blog. Wait… that’s not right. I meant that Sparklebumps whore. I know that she’s trying to steal you away from me, and what you can’t see is that she’s a manipulative little bitch. When I see how you respond to her in your comments, it makes me soooo upset; I’ve started having panic attacks when I see her comments on your blog. The only way I can feel better is by masturbating with shampoo while imagining you are here with me, caressing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I had to start using salon-grade shampoo though, because Herbal Essences was giving me a weird rash. What I’m saying, H.E., is that I am begging you to stop this relationship you have with that slut, because if you don’t, I’m going to have to take more desperate measures. I don’t like that Savor person either.

I imagine every day what our life will be like together; you will write your books, and I will spend all my time worshiping you the way you deserve. I can help you give your kids cereal in the morning, and I will even be the one to call and order pizzas for them and their friends. When Prince Charming gets married to one of the many girls that adore him, I will hold your head and lick your tears away for you.

I can’t wait until you realize the closeness that we share. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way that you do. My Aunt says it’s because I live in her basement, and I need to get out and find a nice girl, but I know that you are the only one for me, and so I’m saving myself for you. I know that you will appreciate my dedication, and it will be worth the wait when our love can finally be consummated. Until then, if you would do me a favor and send me a high-definition picture of your boobs for me to hang on the ceiling above my bed, then I can fantasize about what it would be like to have you here with me.

This is the 7th letter that I’ve sent you, and I need to let you know that if you don’t respond promptly to this, my last letter, I will have to ride my scooter to New Hampshire and find you, to show you how much I care. I thought that my letters spoke for themselves, but maybe I am not a great writer like you are, and I will just have to prove myself to you in person. Please, give me a chance, because without you I’m lost.

With all the love in my heart, and all the lust in my drawers,

Kevin

P.S. I’m serious about the Sparklebumps issue. If you can’t be completely committed to me because of her, I will rid you of her manipulations.

********

Dear Kevin,

Thank you once again for volunteering to be the administrator for THE GODS OF ASPHALT fan site.  While I am glad that you are honored to accept the challenge, please understand that delivering a daily podcast dressed as Gus and lining the set with life sized cardboard versions of the characters as you see them wasn’t part of your assigned duties. Nor was the creation of a livejournal fan-fiction site which I would like you to disable at once. I have received many complaints about the RAPHAEL/RIVER/SAWYER fan page. At the very least you should have displayed a disclaimer before readers entered the site and encountered…well, you know.

Please also understand that my blog supports my book promotion and therefore the fan site you’ve agreed to run. Fellow blogger and GOA fan Sparklebumps is a longtime friend and supporter of our efforts. She is not a “Sex-crazed Usurper” as you have referred to her on several occasions. I have also been informed that you have submitted receipts for the purchase of a pallet-sized amount of Herbal Essences shampoo. Accounting has no intention of paying this or any other debt you have incurred based on your deviant sexual proclivities. This includes the recently purchased squeeze horn and silver handlebar tassels for one 1993 Yamaha scooter. Let me state finally that at no point will you and I “get it on like Donkey Kong” in this or in any lifetime. EVER.

All the best in your future basement driven endeavors,

H.E. Ellis

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letter Gone Wrong – Five

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by one of the featured bloggers who attended THE MEETING OF THE BLOGGER’S ALLIANCE  over at Kayjai’s Blog. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

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Dear H.E.,

I am your biggest fan. What I mean when I say biggest is that there is no one that adores you more than I do. I print out every blog post that you put up, and I have them put together in a folder with a drawing I’ve done of what I imagine you to look like. I’ve read Gods of Asphalt 17 times, and I can tell by your writing style and the things that you say on your blog that we are meant to be together.

I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, but if you would be willing to let me take you out on a date, I’m sure that you will feel it too. I thought you were a man at first, and that had me questioning my sexuality, because I never thought I was gay before, but your words just SPOKE to me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I found out you were actually a woman, I felt relieved, because now I know that we can be together the way we were meant to be, and I don’t have to worry about taking it up the butt.

I have to tell you something that really bothers me though. It really upsets me when you are flirty with that Glitterbutt girl on your blog. Wait… that’s not right. I meant that Sparklebumps whore. I know that she’s trying to steal you away from me, and what you can’t see is that she’s a manipulative little bitch. When I see how you respond to her in your comments, it makes me soooo upset; I’ve started having panic attacks when I see her comments on your blog. The only way I can feel better is by masturbating with shampoo while imagining you are here with me, caressing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I had to start using salon-grade shampoo though, because Herbal Essences was giving me a weird rash. What I’m saying, H.E., is that I am begging you to stop this relationship you have with that slut, because if you don’t, I’m going to have to take more desperate measures. I don’t like that Savor person either.

I imagine every day what our life will be like together; you will write your books, and I will spend all my time worshiping you the way you deserve. I can help you give your kids cereal in the morning, and I will even be the one to call and order pizzas for them and their friends. When Prince Charming gets married to one of the many girls that adore him, I will hold your head and lick your tears away for you.

I can’t wait until you realize the closeness that we share. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way that you do. My Aunt says it’s because I live in her basement, and I need to get out and find a nice girl, but I know that you are the only one for me, and so I’m saving myself for you. I know that you will appreciate my dedication, and it will be worth the wait when our love can finally be consummated. Until then, if you would do me a favor and send me a high-definition picture of your boobs for me to hang on the ceiling above my bed, then I can fantasize about what it would be like to have you here with me.

This is the 7th letter that I’ve sent you, and I need to let you know that if you don’t respond promptly to this, my last letter, I will have to ride my scooter to New Hampshire and find you, to show you how much I care. I thought that my letters spoke for themselves, but maybe I am not a great writer like you are, and I will just have to prove myself to you in person. Please, give me a chance, because without you I’m lost.

With all the love in my heart, and all the lust in my drawers,

Kevin

P.S. I’m serious about the Sparklebumps issue. If you can’t be completely committed to me because of her, I will rid you of her manipulations.


My Secret Admirer – Four

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

Dearest Nightingale,

I don’t know your name, and I don’t normally do this, but I just had to say something. I saw you across a crowded room as I drank my wine, and I heard you singing with your friends. You have a lovely voice! I am amazed that no one else has said anything. I see you there regularly – actually, I’m kind of a regular myself at that same place. It sure was crowded that night.

I wonder if you would do me the honor of having dinner with me? I love the way you handle yourself, and how you’re not afraid to get up in front of a large number of people. And the things you sing about – they’re bigger than the both of us.

Please let me know, as I simply must get to know you better. I was thinking tonight, or this evening. I would ask you to lunch, but I have a meeting in the afternoon with a priest and a judge and my lawyer and the priest’s lawyer and – I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I can’t wait to meet you!

Yours,
Glenn McFadden

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Dear Glenn,

I’d love to have dinner with you, but I am afraid I don’t know exactly who you are. I seem to remember standing with our choir and seeing a man trip up the aisle on his way to receive the sacrament. He also got stuck in his genuflection, sneezed on Father Donovan during absolution and took a header into the basin of holy water.

Was that you? If it’s not, then I’d love to have dinner. If it is, well…..

-The Nightingale

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Four

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted anonymously by fellow bloggers. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written and submitted by a blogger who liked my SOMEBODY SHOOT ME post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

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Dearest Nightingale,

I don’t know your name, and I don’t normally do this, but I just had to say something. I saw you across a crowded room as I drank my wine, and I heard you singing with your friends. You have a lovely voice! I am amazed that no one else has said anything. I see you there regularly – actually, I’m kind of a regular myself at that same place. It sure was crowded that night.

I wonder if you would do me the honor of having dinner with me? I love the way you handle yourself, and how you’re not afraid to get up in front of a large number of people. And the things you sing about – they’re bigger than the both of us.

Please let me know, as I simply must get to know you better. I was thinking tonight, or this evening. I would ask you to lunch, but I have a meeting in the afternoon with a priest and a judge and my lawyer and the priest’s lawyer and – I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I can’t wait to meet you!

Yours,
Glenn McFadden


My Secret Admirer – Three

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

To my dearest sweetheart,

It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.

After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.

With much passion,

Coo-Coo

*****

Dear Coo-Coo,

While I appreciate your heart-felt gesture in the showroom of the local Mattress Giant, you need to understand that an overt display of affection such as this is seen as inappropriate by my standards. As is sending letters requesting hair clippings or samples of my handwriting. In addition, I am not accepting gifts of your Thorazine induced wedding portraits or your handmade “bride and groom sock puppets,” regardless of how much you believe they resemble the two of us.

Here’s to better living through pharmaceuticals,

-Your not so Coo-Coo

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Three

It’s Friday which means it’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! This week’s love letter was written and submitted by one of the featured bloggers in the post KARMA COMING MY WAY. Check out this post and then return to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess in the comments wins a free copy of my ebook.

Return this Sunday for my response as well as the secret admirer’s big reveal. If you’d like to submit your own love letter gone wrong, contact me at heellisgoa@gmail.com

To my dearest sweetheart,

It is with much regret that I must postpone our first night together. As you know I only have a futon in my apartment and I wanted our first night to be special. So I went to Mattress Giant to find the perfect four-post bed (I know this is a special thing for you). However, while I was preparing for an evening of passion the manager found it odd that I was placing rose petals on the pillows so he asked if he could help me. To which I answered, “No thank you,” and then I began to disrobe.

After the police arrived they brought me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The doctors say that I can have visitors after the test results come back.

With much passion,

Coo-Coo


My Secret Admirer – Two

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This is the second week that the secret admirer wasn’t guessed by a blogger in the comments, so there are no winners of my ebook except for the secret admirer himself. Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

Dear What’s your name,

I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.

I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.

When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.

Love,

Mel

*****************************************

Dear Mel,

I’m sorry, but my father Dave said that I cannot pursue a relationship with you. I am truly disappointed as you were the only man who wasn’t turned off by my pasty skin, freckled face and penchant for wearing my red hair in pigtails.

“A rose by any other name…”

Sigh….

Yours in secret,

– Wendy

 This week’s secret admirer is….

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Love Letters Gone Wrong – Two

It’s time for another LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG and a chance at guessing this week’s secret admirer! For the benefit of our British friends I’ve decided from now on I’m going to post my response to the love letters along with the big reveal of it’s author on Sunday mornings, New England Patriots time.

For those of you who missed last week’s love letter you can catch it again at LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG – ONE and then the author’s big reveal here at SPaM AND CHIPS with Megan.

HINT: The secret admirer for this week’s love letter is a featured blogger of one of my past SPaM posts. If you’d like to contribute a Love Letter Gone Wrong contact me at heellisgoa@gmail. Now on with the letter!

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Dear What’s your name,

I am sorry that I don’t remember your name. I also forgot your phone number, so I had to hack your email account to find your email address. I had to write and tell you how much I enjoyed our dinner date last night. You were worth every penny I paid for the meal. I know you must have liked your burger. God, those Big Macs are to die for. Hopefully, after buying you a fancy dinner, you can repay me by putting out. I find myself falling for you quickly, hopefully after our next date we can plan a family and have lots of kids.

I am glad that you aren’t as fat as you looked on your Facebook profile. As much as I loved looking into your eyes, I really liked your low cut top. Please wear that one on our next date. For our next date, I was hoping that you could treat me. Hopefully you wont be taking me to McDonalds, I am in the mood for something a bit more costly. Maybe afterwards, we can go make out in the back seat of my car, or at your place. I will bring beer.

When we meet up, I promise to write your phone number down in the men’s bathroom so that I don’t forget it anymore.

Love,

Mel


Ten Thousand Hits

According to my site stats I’ve recently passed the 10,000 mark for blog hits. I’d like to thank everyone out there who’s taken the time to visit, and I’d like to add an extra thank you to my top four commenters:

EDWARD HOTSPUR

SAVOR THE FOLLY

VERYNORMAL

SPARKLEBUMPS

Don’t forget to visit this past Friday’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG post and leave your guess as to who (whom?) you think the secret admirer is in the comments. The author’s identity will be revealed with this Monday’s SPaM post featuring British darling Megan from Verynormal!

Now I leave you with a favorite song of mine that I find appropriate. Actually, I’d write an entire blog post just to find a way to link a Disturbed song to it. Enjoy!


Love Letters Gone Wrong – One

Welcome to the first edition of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG. For a recap of what this chicanery is all about I’ll run down the idea I presented in my last post:

Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.

Since my blogroll is rather epic, I’ve decided to give you all a hint. The following love letter was written by one of the readers who clicked “like” for my CONFESSIONS OF A STAR WARS VIRGIN blog post. Choose which blogger you believe is responsible for the love letter below and then leave your guess in the comments. The first reader to guess correctly wins a free copy of my ebook. So without further ado, I give you:

LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG

Dear H.E.,

I hope this isn’t weird and stuff but I love your blog. I think you’re the best writer on all of WordPress. I think I probably read all your stuff several times. I also think I have managed to find most of your comments, and they’re as stimulating as your site stuff. I even bought your book and I’m reading that now, again.

I also want to write and someday I know I will be an actual author like you. You could probably teach me a lot since you’re so good at it. I am working on a story now too. It is this total epic fantasy with elves and stuff, except they have to find a ring and not get rid of one ha ha. I imagined you when I wrote the main character’s love interest, Electra, who is an elf with magical powers. She always appears with forest animals and stuff, who bring her food in the morning.

I know that H.E. is not your actual name because almost nobody gives out their information online anymore. So when I have conversations with you to myself, I call you “Veronica.” I think that fits and I bet I’m right, aren’t I? Some people think you are a guy, but I know you’re not. Maybe you are trying to fool everyone with that a little bit, but I can tell.

So now I have to ask the big question. Veronica, would it be okay if maybe someday we could go on a date? I don’t mean like on Skype, which would be cool if you want to go slow. But maybe an in-person date, if that’s ok. I’ve imagined a lot of them and so I’m sure it will go well and stuff, if you know what I mean.  I’m willing to drive most of the way to (my town name removed), which I hope you don’t mind but I figured out from your I.P. and some time on Google.

I am not a stalker or creepy guy, trust me. If you want to go slow I will be patient and wait for you to be ready. If you give me a chance I think someday we could write beautiful stories together. The attached photo might be kinda racy, but I assumed that other guys probably sent you stuff, mainly of their thigys. I figured you would want to see the whole deal.

Let me know. In my mind, I am waiting in the dewy glade for my Electra (Veronica).

[Name, email, mailing address and disgusting photo removed]

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Dear (Redacted),

While I am touched and honored to be the recipient of your attention, I must ask that you cease sending your hand sketches of me in the “all together.” I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with women, but I can assure you that some time spent in a high school health class would be a wise investment.

In regards to the picture of your “thingy,” you might want to consider a visit to your general practitioner, as I do not believe the size, shape and overall color of your “member” to be entirely healthy. Please do not feel the need to send me follow-up photos. I’m Italian which means I’ve seen enough eggplant in my lifetime.

From a writing stand point I must caution you against seeking agent representation for your novel, HENRY PORTER AND THE DUKES OF THE EARRINGS until you have revised the excerpt you included in your last email. Simply replacing the names FRODO and VOLDEMORT with the names FRODOLPHO and VOLDEWART does not imply original work on your part, I’m sorry to say.

Please do not contact me further, as I am in fact NOT an elf with “bitchin’ sweater meat.”

Sternly,

Let’s just go with “Veronica”  


Spotlight: Whorrible

Lately I’ve developed an appreciation for poetry, specifically in bad love letter form. A few of my clever readers have sent me their own take on “Love Letters Gone Wrong” and it gave me a wicked yet brilliant idea.

Every Friday night I will be posting a new anonymous “secret admirer” love letter gone wrong. What I’d like you all to do is scan my blogroll, pick who you think the secret admirer is and leave your answer in the comments. I’ll post the answer with the following Monday’s SPaM post and give the commenter with the first correct guess a free copy of my ebook.

I encourage anyone who wants to write a truly terrible love letter to email me at heellisgoa@gmail.com

Now let’s move from terrible to Whorrible in the form of some really good poetry and prose offered by fellow blogger Johnathan Borden. His two recently released works entitled LOTION FOR THE LOCUST and A GLUTTON’S BOUNTY are available to read on the WHORRIBLE blog. Jonathan Borden describes himself as a Conformalist poet and freelance graphic artist based in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, who is known for his revival of confessional writing and his album covers. His writing is raw and his artwork borders the avant guarde. Check him out and be sure to send in some really bad love letters gone wrong.


Love Letters Gone Wrong

My Darling Anonymous Blog Dude,

I’ve enjoyed reading your love letters/emails to me, especially the one involving some alone time in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. In fact, I find myself oddly interested in many of the activities you’ve out lined for us, although I had to look up what a “Hot Carl” is, and all I can say to that is, “let me get back to you.”

I am dreaming of the day when we can finally meet, and I can tell you and SHOW you in person how your sweet words have brought out the woman in me. Please meet me at the street corner in West Hollywood you speak so eloquently about. I’ll be the blushing girl in the pink dress.

Love and kisses,

Your H.E.

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Dear H.E.,

You’re a CHICK?!

Uh…Never mind.