The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

THE HELLIS 100

The Hellis 100 (51-60)

For the next installment of  The Hellis 100 I’ve decided to tackle the topic of horror movie villains. Since no one loves a good horror flick more than I do (well, maybe Nick does), I’ve decided no Hellis list could be complete without my ten personal favorites. I give you:

THE TOP TEN SCARIEST HORROR MOVIE VILLAINS OF ALL TIME

Now I know there will be a great deal of debate here because like sex, what scares someone is just as subjective as what makes them feel good. The list below features what gets inside my head and pounds my fear button like a monkey on crack.

10. Asami Yamazaki – AUDITION

For those of you who have never seen this movie, DON’T. I’ve tried to watch it three times and have never been able to make it past the first thirty minutes. If you are truly a glutton for punishment go here first. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

9. Nosferatu – NOSFERATU

Even though I saw this movie as a kid, when people dress up like this particular incarnation of vampire today I am freaked the fuck out. Not bad for a movie made in 1922.

8. Fats – MAGIC

I have to admit that I have never seen this movie. I saw this commercial on television as a kid and it scared me so much that thirty-five years later I’m still freaked out enough to include it on this list.

7. Billy – THE SAW SERIES

Though never technically given a name in the SAW series, the puppet known as “Billy” scares the beejezus out of me. Thanks to him I can’t be within ten feet of a tricycle.

6. Pennywise – IT

I’d like to remind you all that the move “IT” was made for television and not a mainstream horror movie. None the less, simply mentioning the name “Pennywise” to anyone who’s seen it will bring about a shudder. That is a testimony to the acting ability of the great Tim Curry. I found the scariest moments weren’t the scenes where he had huge dripping fangs, but the ones where he is simply…menacing.

5. Frank Booth – BLUE VELVET

The least offensive thing about this character is his nearly New England level usage of the word “fuck.” This sociopath rapes, tortures, and mutilates all while huffing amyl nitrate and switching back and forth between two different personalities he refers to as “baby” and “daddy.” This movie should be watched with a Pollyanna chaser just to get the bad taste out of your head.

4. Max Cady – CAPE FEAR

Max Cady isn’t your ordinary everyday grudge stalker because this dude isn’t content to come for you, he’s coming for your daughter. My apologies to purists because as much as I loved Mitchum; DeNiro’s version of Max Cady was far more sadistic to me.

3. Alex Forrest – FATAL ATTRACTION

Cheating husbands and bunnies be warned; this deranged stalker will NOT be ignored.

2. Annie Wilkes – MISERY

A novelist with a kickass car meets his biggest fan. You do the math.

1. Buffalo Bill – SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

I know what you’re thinking and yes, Hannibal Lecter was the shit. But he’s not who scares me here. Above all others, the character that freaks me the fuck out most is Buffalo Bill. Because you think he’s normal. But make no mistake, Bill doesn’t want to rape you or torture you, he wants to BE YOU. It’s the ultimate insult to your humanity. There is nothing in the world that frightens me more than another person strutting around inside a Hellis skinsuit.

To this day the following song sends chills up my spine:


The Hellis 100 (41-50)

Let me explain the process for which I selected this next installment of The Hellis 100. You’ll notice below that I have uploaded ten songs to this post. These are not a representation of songs that I am necessarily a fan of; they are songs that I have to sing no matter where I am or what I am doing at the time. So I give you…

THE TOP TEN SONGS THAT ONCE HEARD I AM COMPELLED TO SING

10. BEST OF MY LOVE – Emotions

9. FUCK YOU – Cee Lo Green

8. SAFETY DANCE – Men Without Hats

7. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – R.E.M.

6. BARENAKED LADIES – One Week

5. LOVE ME DEAD – Ludo

4. TRIBUTE – Tenacious D

3. BLACK WIDOW – Alice Cooper

2. SPACE ODDITY – David Bowie

1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY – Queen


The Hellis 100 (31-40)

All right people, for the next installment of The Hellis 100 I’m asking for your help. I’ve called in a few of my New England cohorts for their input on some regional remedies for hangovers. What I’d like you all to do is add your own regional remedies to the list in the comments below. Now let’s get on with:

THE TOP TEN BEST FOODS TO EAT WHILE YOU’RE HUNGOVER – NEW ENGLAND EDITION

10. From the depraved mind of HR’s boy Looch comes…DEEP FRIED HOT DOGS

9. HR’s buddy Cisco uses heat as a hangover distraction with…BUFFALO WINGS

8. HR insists on this gastronomic catastrophe…THE STEAKBOMB

7. Jeb and his wrestling buddies indulge in the morning ritual of…DENNY’S GRAND SLAM

6. These next two remedies are Connecticut frat-house staples…LEFTOVER PIZZA CRUSTS

5. and DRY CHEERIOS

4. No New Englander starts his or her day without DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE, even if they’re sober

3. If you’re ever hungover in Boston be prepared to be handed this concoction:

THE CLAMATO COCKTAIL

2. Hung over in New Hampshire? MAPLE SYRUP OVER SNOW will cure what ails you

And the number one remedy for a hangover anywhere is…HAIR OF THE DOG


The Hellis 100 (21-30)

Before I jump into the next installment of The Hellis 100 I’d like to let you know about a great blog called Mona Lisa Memoirs that I had the privilege of writing a dating disaster guest post for. Check it and her own stories out after reading this post. Now, onto the pretty…

What you may not know about real world me is that real world me has many gay friends, both male and female. During an inpromptu conversation the other day I happened to mention my blog and the need to come up with another ten item installment list. They put their heads together and came up with the following:

TOP TEN PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR SEXUALITY

I decided to break this down into five women and five men, starting with…

5. NICOLE SHERZINGER. This Pussycat Doll’s vague ethnicity appeals to men and women alike.

4. JESSICA ALBA – There’s nothing vague about this Latina’s smoking hotness.

3. ANGELINA JOLIE – It turns out more women find her attractive than men. Just ask Sparklebumps.

2. SCARLETT JOHANSSON – The twenty-first century’s answer to the blonde bombshell.

And with a unanimous vote for number 1….SALMA HAYEK. I think it’s the dress.

Now onto the gentlemen, starting with…

5. ALEX PETTYFER – The combination of pretty boy and badass makes him an easy choice for number five.

4. WILLIAM LEVY – Telemundo’s definition of tall, dark and handsome.

3. JAMES MASLOW – The quintessential boy next door and my inspiration for Sawyer Hayden.

2. JENSEN ACKLES – One word. Guh…

And the man voted most likely to make men everywhere question their sexuality is…

RICKY MARTIN


The Hellis 100 (11-20)

For my next installment of The Hellis 100 series I’ve decided to tackle a topic that is of tremendous importance to me. A topic so vital to the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere it deserves its own blog post. And that post is:

THE TOP TEN GREATEST MUSTACHES OF ALL TIME

10. DAVID CROSBY – His mustache tips his perception scale from lardass to badass.

9. SHAFT – The mutton chops help, but that doesn’t make him any less of a–shut your mouth!

8. SALVIDOR DALI – Uh, I have no reason to include this other than the man had balls to pull this look off. And lots of melty clocks.

7. PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Teddy did for mustaches what Lincoln did for beards.

6. FREDDIE MERCURY – He gave whole new meaning to the term Mustache = Masculinity.

5. PAUL TEUTUL – His mustache alone could kick a grown man’s ass.

4. GROUCHO MARX – It was between him and Hitler so….yeah.

3. BURT REYNOLDS – Can you even picture the Bandit without a mustache? I sure can’t.

2. MAGNUM P.I. – Who knew one mustache could completely reverse what Freddie Mercury set in motion?

1. And the number one greatest mustache of all time belongs to…SAM ELLIOTT. If God has a mustache, it will look like this:


The Hellis 100 (1-10)

Ladies and Gentlemen it is official; I have finally hit my one hundredth blog post. To mark this historic occasion I have decided to blog about 100 of my favorite things in ten separate blog posts; all in wacky Hellis fashion of course. To kick things off I’ve dedicated my first blog post to….

TOP TEN FAVORITE CLASSIC SITCOM CHARACTERS

I suffered for years as a kid from insomnia and spent many a sleepless night watching reruns of classic sitcom television. Over time I developed a fondness for certain characters, so here is a list of my top ten favorites:

10. Florence Jean Castleberry – Friends like me call her Flo. The rest of you can kiss her grits.

9. Schneider – Never met a toilet he couldn’t unclog or a MILF he wouldn’t dry hump.

8. Maynard G Krebs –  Think perpetually horny, arguably stoned Gilligan.

7. Jan Brady – The poor man’s Marsha.

6. Rosco P. Coltrane – His laugh is the very definition of Awesomesauce.

5. Arnold Jackson – Go on and tell me you didn’t see the episode with the bicycle man.

4. Isaac – The Love Boat’s very own Lando Calrissian (because he was smooth, not because he was black).

3. Horshack – Living proof that you can be both a dork and a nerd.

2. Mrs. Roper – Television’s first Desperate Housewife.

1. And last but not least I give you The Ghetto Cassanova himself… J.J. Evans.