The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Posts tagged “army

The Pentultimate Christmas Shopping List

thisiswhyimbrokeJust in time for the holidays comes the world’s most epic shopping list! Inspired by the twisted- I mean, creative and clever folks at this list is a veritable smorgasbord of incredibly useless but uber awesome nonsense!


We begin with gifts for the SciFi fan in your life. First up is Star Wars and the FROZEN HAN SOLO CARBONITE star-trek-engagement-ringdesk. Or maybe that’s a gift for a Star Trek fan.

Speaking of Trekkies, what green alien lady wouldn’t love to wake up Christmas morning and find this nifty little engagement ring under the tree? (Don’t even think about it, Elias).

wookie_jesus_framed_1024x1024For those of you who enjoy a little blasphemy with your fandom there is available for purchase a signed portrait of the WOOKIE JESUS. That’s right people, I said signed. I’ll let you think on that a moment while I gaze in wonder to your right at the single most die-hard piece of SciFi merchandise ever created. No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you; that is indeed a bed bedcrafted to loosely resemble an imperial star-fighter ship.

Cashing in at over $15,000 this piece of nerdtastic craftsmanship is reserved for only the most dedicated of SciFi’s fandom. But don’t despair ladies and gentlemen; there is hope. My understanding is that you can also buy these beds used. I’ll let the irony of that statement sink in while I move onto gifts for the hyper obsessed fan.

xbox-360-controller-braFor the gamer whose attention you just can’t grab comes the controller you can- namely in the form of the X-Box 360 bra. This particular attention getter comes in at moving-inkblot-masks$40.00 U.S. dollars (that’s 24.94 pounds British Sterling for any Brit who might like to know).

For the fan who takes his comics- er, I mean, graphic novels a little too seriously comes Rorschach’s MOVING INK BLOT FACE MASK courtesy of the Watchmen franchise. I don’t want to begin to think of how they get it to do that.

royal-toilet-throneFor the isolationist who has everything but still wants more comes the ROYAL steampunk-monitor-and-keyboardTOILET THRONE. Perfect for that royal pain in the arse in your life.

Moving on to the isolationist with something to say is the STEAMPUNK MONITOR AND KEYBOARD. Perfect for writing your latest Steampunk short story or penning your rambling manifesto. Dayton, I’m talking to you.

blood-pool-pillowSaddled with the burden of participating in Secret Santa in the workplace? Consider these fine gifts for white elephant prizes.

First off we have the BLOOD POOL PILLOW- a perfect solution to a case of the “Mondays.” Pair it with a sign that says, “It was my stapler” and you’ll have plenty of time to sleep off that Monday morning hangover. At least until the cops show up.

desktop-ballistaNext up is the MINI BALLISTA LAUNCHER or as New Englanders call it, a “trebuchet.” Look closely at the dude in the background playing target.

Tell me you wouldn’t want to nail that bloated loser right in the back of his brainpan with a wet wad of paper if you were forced to share an office with him. You just know he smells like particle board and cheese farts. I bet if you zoom in you’ll see him ordering an inflatable girlfriend.

zombie-gnomesFor the sick puppy in your life consider the ZOMBIE GARDEN GNOMES. Guaranteed to bob-ross-finger-puppetkeep the neighbor kids from cutting across your lawn.

If the gnomes don’t do the trick, maybe the BOB ROSS FINGER PUPPET will. The only thing scarier than a lawn full of zombie gnomes scaring children away is an creepy old neighbor wearing a Bob Ross finger puppet, beckoning them closer…

baby-mopFinally we have gifts for new mothers who are looking for baby-carrying-jacketways to make their hectic lives easier. For example, the BABY MOP.

Don’t let junior loaf around like a lazy American! Instill a Japanese work ethic in him with this multi-tasking work of genius made in Taiwan.

I’ve stared at this last picture for ages now trying to come up with something witty to say and all I’ve got is…GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Happy Veterans Day

Thank you to all the men and women in uniform out there who protect, among many things, my First Amendment right to run my mouth. Your service to our country is greatly appreciated.