The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Posts tagged “Canada

You Named My Phone Benedict Cumberbatch

bcSo thanks for that. Now I have to type nineteen characters every time I refer to my phone. Dicks.

There were some “Other” creative offerings as well such as:

  • Elvis
  • Yoda
  • Preachy Capt. Kirk (PMAO)
  • Surly Chewbacca (BrainRants)
  • Aunt Edith who always correct me (SNB)
  • Trent “Buckeye” Lewin (I wonder who?)

(more…)

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Hey Archon! Happy Birthday, Eh?

cake

I am taking a rare free moment to honor the birthday of a truly great man and even greater Canadian; Justin Beiber  Archon’s Den!

As a resident of the Canadian Riviera (better known as “New England”) I live in awe of a country that possesses badass versions of all the things we admire ourselves for- moose, maple syrup, hockey, beer, WINTER.

We, as New Englanders, have developed a kind of a hero worship for Canadians because of it- sort of like the kid who thinks he’s good at baseball, but knows for a fact his big brother IS.

This is how I feel about my friend, Archon. He’s every bit the wordsmith and tale-teller I humbly attempt to be- not to mention that he has a heart the size of Canada itself.

Besides, anyone from the same country that gave us SCtv and RUSH isn’t going to be a hoser, eh?

For those of you who have yet to experience this curmudgeonly cunning linguist, click on the Archon-ic moose below for a sampling of one of the cleverest minds the Great White North has to offer. Until then…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARCHON!

moose1-230x258


Eddie the Expatriate

dWelcome to day five of BLOGSHORTS: a ten day, ten story, 110 word writing extravaganza.

Each participating blogger chooses a pooch a day from a list of dogs, thunk-up by our fearless leader BLOGDRAMEDY, and then writes a short story featuring their dog of choice.

Each story is 110 words in length and can feature as much or as little of our canine friend as we like.

Day five features a visit from everyone’s favorite proper pooch, Eddie. Or is he?

EDDIE THE EXPATRIATE

“You are one lucky mutt,” Rover said as he lounged back in his doggy bed. “Archon is the best master a dog could want. Warm beds, plenty of kibble; he even lets us chase Ladyryl’s cats around every Sunday. I’m telling ya, Eddie. This is the life.”

“Anything’s better than living with Frasier,” Eddie said. “Man was a fancyboy. Nothing but bottled water and vegan kibble. Even my bed was organic.”

“You’ll love this. Come here.” Rover led Eddie to his water dish and the two began to drink.

After a few laps Eddie’s eyes opened wide. “Oh my God, is that Molson?”

“Yes it is. Welcome to Canada, Eddie.”

Revisit these soon to be canine classics:

BLOGSHORTS DAY ONE: Tea Cup Cujo

BLOGSHORTS DAY TWO: Toto’s Ruby Red Booty

BLOGSHORTS DAY THREE: Lassie Learns the Truth

BLOGSHORTS DAY FOUR: Fluffy’s Fateful Faux Pas

TAKE YOUR BLOG FOR A WALK AND THROW THESE GUYS A BONE:

Blogdramedy

1pointperspective

SteveBetz 

Joe’s Musings

Jtailele’s Blog

MC’s Whispers

Shouts from the Abyss

Lenore Diane

Fix it or Deal

RETURN TOMORROW FOR A VISIT WITH THE ORIGINAL SNOOP DOG: SNOOPY!


REVIEW: Harem Master

HAREM MASTER  by R.B. Hatch

When I first chose to review HAREM MASTER I was concerned I’d find nothing more than a glorified Penthouse Forum article. Yes, it does involve a middle-aged man who is “entertained” by a self-appointed harem of females ranging from employees to contemporaries to nymphets. And yes, it is at times raunchy and raw and sexually charged. But R.B. Hatch’s development of the narrator, a man simply known as “John,” is well written and highly entertaining.

As a reader I found myself simultaneously repulsed by and sympathetic toward John’s actions that form the relationship between him and his “harem.” In “John” Hatch has created an “everyman” whose wit, intelligence and sense of mystery utterly charm the women around him into willingly becoming his objects of desire. It’s Hatch’s ability to endear John to the reader that helps to create a world that is not only plausible, but downright believable.

More than just erotica, HAREM MASTER is a plot-driven novel that delves into the mind and motives of its protagonist and speaks with a voice that will please its readers.


The Tortoise and O’Hare

Today we have an offering from the Great White North in the form of a fable told by the illustrious Archon’s Den. Here is his take on the classic fable The Tortoise and the Hare!

THE TORTOISE AND O’HARE

by Archon,

Once upon a time, just outside New Haven, Conn., a  little rabbit was born.  His parents  lovingly called him Bunny, though, as he got older he felt he outgrew that  name.  Bunny was very smart.  He worked and studied hard at school and  got great marks.  Bunny wanted to  make something of himself, so with outstanding SAT scores, he applied to  Yale.

His parents paid for his education with bags of plump,  juicy carrots that they saved up over the years, and the occasional sack of  beets.  Bunny applied himself and  graduated from the Business Management course with flying colors.

He told his parents that he was going to get a job as a  financial advisor, and hopped his way down to New York City.  After waving his diploma under a few  noses, he got himself hired by no less than Merrill Lynch.  Here, he insisted on celebrating his  Irish Rabbit heritage, and began going by the name Seamus O’Hare.

While all this was occurring, just south of the border  in Mexico, there was a young turtle named Diego Tortuga trying to follow the  same path.  His parents traded  mescal to pay to have him attend a decent community college.  At least it was a real school, rather  than just one of those diploma mills.

When he graduated with marks as good as O’Hare’s, he  kissed his mother and father goodbye….verrryy sloowwlyy, and floated across  the Rio Grande.  Then he managed to  hitch-hike his way all the way to New York with a trucker, hauling back a semi,  loaded with Corona beer.  With great  good fortune, he also managed to obtain a position with Merrill Lynch, and began  working in the same division as O’Hare, who was immediately dismissive of  him.

O’Hare was a high energy broker, often leaping at new  investments without doing enough research.  He made money for his clients, and for himself, but was often distracted,  by a new girlfriend or a car-show at the Gardens.  He made fun of Tortuga’s slow, plodding,  but steadily productive methods of money management.

One day, after Diego had defended his careful planning,  Seamus O’Hare suggested a “race.”  The first one within a year to achieve a personal worth of $1,000,000,  would receive another ten thousand dollars from the loser.  Tortuga accepted the challenge, and the Race was on.

Shortly afterwards, the firm was joined by a Chinese  weasel, named Wun Raht Gai, educated in Beijing.  As he ensconced himself within the firm,  and learned of the competition between the two youngsters, his was disdainful of  them.  “Silly amateurs.” he  said.

Time passed, and the competition proceeded, with the  fortunes of both Tortuga and O’Hare increasing, Diego’s steadily, and Seamus’ by  leaps and bounds.  One day,  unbeknownst to each other, they both received a letter from Wun Raht Gai,  offering to help them cross the one million dollar finish line.

Tortuga’s letter said that the Chinese weasel had got  wind of a new process to remove Melamine from baby food.  O’Hare’s letter told of a new system to  get the lead out of children’s toys.  If they would just invest a quarter million dollars with him, he would  double it for them within thirty days.

Wun Raht Gai’s letters also said that he didn’t want  these investment opportunities to be overheard at the office, so they should  each bring the funds in cash to his apartment, to ensure privacy.

No-one seems to know exactly what happened to O’Hare,  and Diego the tortoise.  They each  just stopped coming to work at Merrill Lynch.  The Chinese weasel prospered in their  absence, taking over part of each of their *books*.  He moved into a beautiful penthouse  apartment.  There were some rumors  of him throwing a banquet and soiree for potential investors, where the featured  dishes were rabbit stew and turtle soup.


REVIEW: Harem Master

HAREM MASTER  by R.B. Hatch

When I first chose to review HAREM MASTER I was concerned I’d find nothing more than a glorified Penthouse Forum article. Yes, it does involve a middle-aged man who is “entertained” by a self-appointed harem of females ranging from employees to contemporaries to nymphets. And yes, it is at times raunchy and raw and sexually charged. But R.B. Hatch’s development of the narrator, a man simply known as “John,” is well written and highly entertaining.

As a reader I found myself simultaneously repulsed by and sympathetic toward John’s actions that form the relationship between him and his “harem.” In “John” Hatch has created an “everyman” whose wit, intelligence and sense of mystery utterly charm the women around him into willingly becoming his objects of desire. It’s Hatch’s ability to endear John to the reader that helps to create a world that is not only plausible, but downright believable.

More than just erotica, HAREM MASTER is a plot-driven novel that delves into the mind and motives of its protagonist and speaks with a voice that will please its readers.