The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Posts tagged “fiction

Ode to Robert Downey Jr – by David Ellis

photoFellow Blogger and surname-sharer David Ellis and I occasionally joke about being related. After reading his Ode to Robert Downey Jr I am convinced more than ever that we are indeed kin.

You see, I am such a huge fan of RDJr that it borders on embarrassing. This man does it all; acts, sings, wanders aimlessly in drug-induced stupors to crash in random strangers’ beds. What’s not to love?

But seriously, how can you not admire a grown man who is Iron Man one moment and dances as a back-up singer the next? I’ll let David honor him with his following poem: (more…)

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Chuck Palahniuk: Spirit Animal or Cock-blocker?

imagesH6UEV3ET“Are you there, Satan? It’s me, Madison.”

This is the opening to Chuck Palahniuk’s novel DAMNED, a story about an angsty teen dead girl and her journey through Hell. Or more accurately, the story I’d have written if I’d been, you know, a better writer.

My new years resolution to make my writing a priority ended the moment I finished the book DAMNED, and was forced to face the reality that my writing sucks balls compared to Chuck Palahniuk’s.

I’d like to tell you this revelation prompted me to get busy on a book of my own, working with all the drive and ambition of a writer inspired by Palahniuk’s genius to, as Neil Gaiman put it, “Make good art.” But it didn’t. Instead I curled up in a ball and cried like the giant hack baby that I am. I also haven’t written a word since.

That’s because I have my own personal cock-blocker, and his name is Chuck Palahniuk.

So why all the literary flacidity, you ask? Well I’ll tell you why.

[I’m going to give you my answer at the end of this next passage because it builds suspense. It’s a technique good writers use, or so I’ve heard]

The book world is filled with writers whose work makes me feel like I’ve been junk-punched in the literary genitals. One of them is James Ellroy. Take for example the opening of his pulp-fiction inspired novel, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL:

“An abandoned auto court in the San Berdoo foothills; Buzz Meeks checked in with ninety-four thousand dollars, eighteen pounds of high-grade heroin, a 10-gauge pump, a .38 special, a .45 automatic and a switchblade he’d bought off a pachuco at the border—right before he spotted the car parked across the line: Mickey Cohen goons in an LAPD unmarked, Tijuana cops standing by to bootjack a piece of his goodies, dump his body in the San Ysidro River.”

Only Ellroy can write a 78-word sentence about grizzly murder and police brutality and craft it to read as high poetry. In lesser hands this opening would have been a disaster. I am sure if I were tasked with the challenge of writing this novel I’d have Bucknered all over it (for all you non-New Englanders out there scratching your collective heads at the word BUCKNER, click HERE and feel my pain).

Another dream-crusher is Chuck Bukowski. Take for example his poem SOME PEOPLE: 

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they’ll find me there.
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I’ll rise with a roar,
rant, rage –
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I’ll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.

I doubt Nicholas Sparks ever wrote a poem like that, the epic tool. Now I’ll admit that Bukowski is not for everyone, but personally, I cannot get enough of him. Seriously people, I hear Roberta Flack’s voice inside my head whenever I read his work. Whenever I read my stuff all I hear is Bobcat Goldthwait.

I admire Stephen King for his mastery of characterization and worship Neil Gaiman for, well, everything, but Chuck Palahniuk is the only writer who ever made me WANT to write. His literary voice and story lines are so eerily similar to mine that I have to wonder if we are related somehow. For me, reading one of his novels is like reliving painful childhood memories spent with a better-looking, ultra-talented sibling, feeling the push-pull of striving to be like him only to hate him when I fail in comparison. Now I truly know how it feels to be an Oakland Raiders fan.

So at the end of the day what does all this self-contemplation/flagellation mean? Why it means I am an insipid douche-bag writer, that’s what it means. It means that instead of wasting my time lamenting why I will never be as successful as my heroes, I need to get busy, you know, writing. It means it’s time to get my head out of my ass and get my ass to my desk.

Yeah. Easier said than done.


Twisted Fictioneer Interview with Edward Hotspur

hotspur-t-shirtIt’s time for another interview with a member of THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Since today is none other than Edward Hotspur’s birthday, I thought it fitting to feature his interview and get a glimpse into the mind of this blogger extraordinaire. For those of you out there who reside under rocks and who may not know, Edward Hotspur has written everything from a disenfranchised Tom Turkey to shameless Elf Erotica to all points and posts in between. His STORIES blog page alone is enough to keep a reader busy straight through to the Rapture. Luckily for us, we won’t have to wait that long to find out what makes the great EH tick. So raise your glasses and toast another year to:

EDWARD HOTSPUR

 

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

When I could imagine.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

I would prefer to – however, my brain won’t let me, which is why I have a hard time finishing anything. I can write posts, but they are all over the place, as you can tell from my blog.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

During successful writing times, I totally visualized the scene, and visualized myself as the main character in that scene, then just described what I saw and how I felt. Another technique is to take a real situation, and make it absurd. Sometimes in life you can do that without much tweaking.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

Mine was “OH MY GOD I’M WRITING FILTH!” – which I tried to disguise as ‘dirty and monogamous need not be mutually exclusive’, or ‘romance is extremely sexy’, or something… hey! Look over there!

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

I can write all day long in short bursts. I can hit publish. I can’t seem to edit for books, and that’s why I have enough stuff for 10 books, but only have basically one done, and that only electronically.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

Describing the scene. Freedom to create. Spaghetti on the wall technique.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

Scenes From A Lear Jet? Scenes From A Tropical Island?

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 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

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TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT EDWARD HOTSPUR!

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

Stubbornness. Persistence is an incredibly powerful tool, but….

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

Stubbornness. …when it crosses over into ‘going for the kill’, it can be bad.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

Things that I can’t do with a bunch of people in the house. Typically things that involve shutting off the water, the power, or both.

4. Name one person, living or dead, who you’d like to take to dinner:

Sidney Poitier. No, seriously, my wife. We rarely get that chance.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

Hard to say. Time travel would be nice, but so would healing, speaking any language, or immortality.

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Assuming that certain conditions existed, I’d live in Florida, and have houses in England and Japan.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Book – hard to say. Impossible. Meal – steak, because rare. Getting steak, not the condition of the steak. Sport – Child rearing. Wait, what?….. Oh, okay. Then I like hockey.

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

There are no songs that I like that I wouldn’t admit to liking.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Writer, rock star, club owner, etc. Something fluid and creative, but that still requires structure.

10. Your favorite swear word:

“James Lipton.” Just kidding. It’s ‘fuck’, including all its variants.

 

FEATURED EDWARD HOTSPUR WORK:

TOM TURKEY

THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER (The Passion of Suspiria and Mister Dead)

 

CLICK HERE TO WISH EDWARD HOTSPUR A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Twisted Fictioneer Interview with Kayjai

It’s time for another interview with a member of THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Whether writing from the perspective of Santa’s Shugga Mama, or penning a clown-choking mime in her twisted version of Sleeping Beauty, this hot Mama from the Great White North proves she can hold her own with the best of them. A ninja with the word fuck, her weapon of choice is a keyboard (and a little wine never hurt, either).

Breakout the corkscrew for our Twisted Fictioneer interview with:

KAYJAI

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

When I discovered I write better than I speak.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

Personally, I like humor but when I write fiction, there’s usually a mystery element to it.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

I don’t write everyday, but I try to write an outline before actually starting on any heavy duty writing. I then try to revert back to the outline as I go along.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

I don’t have a message. It’s just all in fun…remember, fun? Yeah,.

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

Getting started is always the toughest part. I try to sip some coffee, read some blogs, watch my dog scratch herself and then stare at the blank screen for a few minutes before doing a gagillion other things. Then I get drunk and write. There. Ma process.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

I have no idea. I write whatever the alcohol brings out in my mind at the time. As for art and science, as long as there is no math involved, I’m all good.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

My memoirs, or more aptly titled “Kayjai’s Fucked up Fairy Tale”. Yeah.

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 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

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TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT KAYJAI!

 

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

My kindness and compassion for the woodland animals…and ma sarcasm.

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

My sarcasm…especially when it offends innocent bystanders. They should never stand so close to me.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

Read…

4. Name one person, living or dead, who you’d like to take to dinner:

Serious answer: My brother

Other answer: Mother Theresa…she hardly ever ate out.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

My super power would be the ability to fly…I think. Reading minds would be cool, too. Of course reading minds while flying could be considered ONE superpower, right?

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Somewhere more tropical than 50 feet of snow and minus 25.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Fave Book: My Favourite Stories, Alice Munro. She’s kinda ma hero

Fave meal: Lasagna

Fave sport: Sex. What? It’s a sport!

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

I like a Nickleback song…don’t tell anybody.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Professional writer

10. Your favorite swear word:

It’s pretty fucking obvious, but I’ll spell it out for you. F-U-C-K. It kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

FEATURED KAYJAI WORK:

INTERVIEW WITH BROWN SHUGGA

SLEEPING BEAUTY


Twisted Fictioneer Interview with BrainRants

Santa-Claus--5767Today we begin our series of interviews with THE TWISTED FICTIONEERS, a group of authors who collaborate on charity writing projects such as ICONIC INTERVIEWS and F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES. Every Wednesday and Saturday we will feature an interview from a different author who has contributed to our writing ventures.

Since today is Christmas I thought it fitting to interview the man who started it all. From his portrayal of a sauced and surly Santa Claus in ICONIC INTERVIEWS to his sometimes caustic, ever rantastic blog(s), to his upcoming take on Jack and the Beanstalk for F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES: Volume II, it seems there’s nothing this blogger can’t or won’t rant about.

So grab a beer and don’t spare the bacon because we’re about to spend Christmas with:

BrainRants

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

I’ve wanted to write since I was SmallRants. I’m only now getting the freedom of maneuver to explore it. The blog started as practice in the self-discipline of writing. I like to think I’ve got that small part nailed down.

Do you prefer to write in a specific genre and if so, why?

Genre? I have to pick one? Shit.

What techniques do you use when crafting your writing day to day that keeps you focused on the plot and storyline?

I don’t know yet, honestly. I just signed up for your story and later an idea came. I basically dumped out what was in my head.

Many readers will probably be offended by F*cked Up Fairy Tales and/or Iconic Interviews. What is your message behind the irreverence?

The only answer to that is ‘Fuck you very much.’ I’ve spent over twenty years defending our freedoms, so if they don’t like what I wrote, they can throw the book away. Nobody’s making them read it.

What is the most challenging aspect of the mechanics of writing for you, and how do you overcome it?

English. Still working on that.

There is art and science involved in writing. What is your favorite aspect of writing in the context of its art?

Sorry, I just wet myself laughing because I can’t see anything even remotely resembling art in my story. Like I said, I emptied my head out onto a document.

Ten years from now, what are you writing?

Probably some dull report for the Government. Sort of like I do now.

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 And now for a little something extra we bring you…

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TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRAINRANTS!

1. What would you consider to be your best personality trait?

I’m clearly so very easy to get along with…

2. What do you think is your worst personality trait?

My epic span of patience, which has been measured at .0037 seconds, when dealing with stupid people.

3. You wake up Saturday morning and everyone has left you alone for the day. What do you do?

You really want to know that?

4. Name one person, living or dead, you’d like to take to dinner:

George S. Patton.

5. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be and why?

X-Ray vision is tempting, because hooray for boobies! But I think being invisible would be just as useful. I can already turn wine into water like a motherfucker…

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Texas. Loved it there on my first tour.

7. Your favorite book/favorite meal/favorite sport:

Steak with my special salad.

8. Your favorite movie/food/song that you secretly like but don’t want to admit:

Tough one. I really wish I had time lately to do any of those three things. Sorry.

9. What job do you wish you had?

Though ‘Elephant Inseminator’ is tempting, I think being a food reviewer and critic would be pretty awesome. Or maybe Galactic Emperor.

10. Your favorite swear word:

You have to ask? “Fuck,” the most versatile word in the world.

Tanks alot Santa1

FEATURED BRAINRANTS WORK:

SANTA SPAM PART ONE

SANTA SPAM PART TWO

SANTA SPAM PART THREE

SANTA SPAM UPDATE

UPDATE SANTA CLAUS

TRENDING NOW – SANTA CLAUS

DATELINE – SANTA

JAILBREAK AT THE NORTH POLE

SANTA CLAUS – THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION


COUNTDOWN TO F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES

Tell the postman to keep his brown paper wrapping because this is not your father’s porn reading material. That’s right- Volume One of the two eBook novella series F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES will be available for download by Thanksgiving morning, just in time for your holiday festivities!

For more Collective fun check out ICONIC INTERVIEWS: The world’s most beloved holiday icons presented in a collection of irreverent interviews that take on the backstory of their imagined existences.

Let the countdown begin…

FUFTEBOOKCOVER