The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Posts tagged “Halloween

Top 10 Reasons Why My Husband is a Saint

Hello.

My name is H.E. Ellis, and I am chronically immature.

That’s a bit harsh. Maybe a more accurate description would be that I am suffering from a case of arrested development. I guess that’s what you’d call my need to prioritize my life by what is fun as opposed to what is necessary. My AD affliction isn’t so bad in and of itself, but it affects my husband’s life daily. Here are the top ten reasons why my husband is a saint:

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Disturbing Ode to a Literary Agent

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A laborious and lengthy session of work on REAPERS WITH FANGS has led me to the sad conclusion that my writing needs work, so I’ve decided to give a bit of prose a try in an effort to beef up my chops.

Poetry and prose is not an area I am comfortable with as you will see, but the spirit of Halloween got the better of me and I rose to the occasion.

For better or worse I bring you:

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISTURBING ODE TO A LITERARY AGENT 

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You Named My Phone Benedict Cumberbatch

bcSo thanks for that. Now I have to type nineteen characters every time I refer to my phone. Dicks.

There were some “Other” creative offerings as well such as:

  • Elvis
  • Yoda
  • Preachy Capt. Kirk (PMAO)
  • Surly Chewbacca (BrainRants)
  • Aunt Edith who always correct me (SNB)
  • Trent “Buckeye” Lewin (I wonder who?)

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Halloween Interview – Werewolf

For a really good Halloween read, click on the pic above to visit GRAFIKLIT for a sample of her novel BULLETPROOF WEREWOLF.

For those of you who don’t know, I am obsessed with Halloween on a level that can only be described as unhealthy. So as part of the Hellis Hellish Halloween Holiday – Four-H – I’ll be bringing you an exclusive weekly mini-series of Halloween-centric posts with various Halloween icons. We’ll start our interviews with a highly reclusive star of the annual All Hallows Eve festivities, the Werewolf.

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H.E.:   Good morning, Mr. Wolf.

Wolf:  Good morning, thanks for tracking me down.

H.E.:  No problem!  I… uh, have a list of questions, but I have to ask, are those tattoos real, and you have to tell me what kind of cologne you’re wearing.

Wolf: (grins) Oh, of course they are, and they’re not any kind of tribal you’ve ever seen before.  There are more, of course.  As for the cologne, I’m sorry but I’m not wearing anything but me.  I’m not offensive, am I?

H.E.:  God no… I mean, of course not.  You’re kind of… catnip-ish, in a good way… a very good way.

Wolf: It’s funny, you know.  I get that a lot.

H.E.: (dabbing perspiration) I see… so on to the meat… I mean body… er, main part of the interview… What would you say is the best part of Halloween these days?

Wolf: Oh, I’d say the pumpkins.  I mean, sure there are your basic Jack o’ Lanterns, but I tell you the new special kits these days… wow.

H.E.:  I’m sure nobody ever suspected your artistic side.  People are probably surprised to know you’re a bit reclusive. Will you share why?

Wolf:  Other than the obvious?  People don’t understand me.  I’m either this (gestures at himself), or I’m a rampaging beast, completely terrorizing normal folks, taking what I want, and leaving devastation behind.

H.E.: Guh… uhhhm, right.  I completely undre… understand.  So you would say you have trouble keeping stable relationships going?

Wolf:  Absolutely, and don’t get me started about vegetarians.  The last one I dated… let’s say it turned out badly.

H.E.:  So is there an up-side to this Werewolf situation?

Wolf:  Honestly, yes.  For one, no male-pattern baldness.  That’s a plus these days.  Also, my stamina is completely off the scale…

H.E.: (stabs herself in the leg with her pen) Mmph.

Wolf:  Are you all right, Miss Ellis?

H.E.: Yes… yes.  All right, moving on.  How do you feel about the way popular culture has portrayed you and those like you?

Wolf:  Do you have enough tape for this?  Oh, it’s digital.  First thing is, I’m not necessarily a wolf, H.E.  I’m a shapeshifter.  Also, when you say, “those like you,” that’s another misconception.  I’m one of a kind.

H.E.:  (mumbles) Oh, yes, you are…

Wolf:  Pardon?

H.E.:  Guh… nothing… please go on.

Wolf:  Right, well, ‘werewolf’ is a German term, where actually I’ve been more aligned to the Norse concept of things.  I can shift shape into what I like when I like.  I’d also like to take the opportunity to say that I’m not at war with vampires, and the whole silver bullet thing?  It’s a myth.

H.E.: So you’re saying that the moon thing, and the wanton rampaging and killing…

Wolf:  Is part of the myth.  I’ve hunted herd animals on farms.  I’ve done ‘wanton rampaging’ but to my recollection, nobody ever literally died when I did that.

H.E.:  (tossing question list over her shoulder) Okay, just growl for me.

Wolf: Pardon?

{recording ends}