The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Posts tagged “mother

Andiamo Columbus!

isnthcina_fullsizeReaders, today I have a better-late-than-never interview for you, and of course nature weighed in on this one.  Interestingly, I had an interview set up with none other than Christopher Columbus that coincided with Columbus Day, but Hurricane Sandy had a voice in this.  Mr. Columbus, welcome!

C.C.: Caio! I mean, hello!

H.E.:  There is great debate about what your real motivations were for risking lives to discover the New World.  Can you comment on what you were really thinking back there in Spain?

C.C.: I wassa thinking that Isabella was a pretty nice lady. What can I do? My blood, she is Italian.

H.E.:  Were there any dangerous points along the way that made you consider turning back?

C.C.: Some of the sailors, they…weren’t lookin’ so good. Some of them even say I looka nice for a man. I think to myself, “Eh, Christoph…you need to find these men some women quick.” I say a little prayer and then boom- we finda land. I’mma one lucky sonafabitch.

H.E.:  Rumor has it that you were in fact lost on your first trip, yet you are hailed as a navigational genius.  Any comment on that apparent disparity of opinion?

C.C.: Hey…that’s some a pretty bigga words coming from someone who needs a the GPS to find her way out of the shower.

H.E.:  You probably also have heard some of the racier rumors about shipboard life involving grog, sodomy and the lash.  For a curious world, Chris, sheep or no sheep?  Or was this a don’t ask/don’t tell situation?

C.C.: Hey…what’s a matta you? That’s not a polite. I will say this- they don’ta call them a “Seamen” for nothing.

H.E.:  Obviously a lot has changed.  On that note, America back then, or America now – which do you like better?

C.C.: That’s a easy – America today! They have a holiday justa for me!

H.E.: Okay, so if you had to do it all over again, what would you choose to do differently?

C.C.: Turna left.

H.E.:  To wrap this up, Chris, your thoughts on the holiday in your honor?

C.C.: It’s lika my mama used to say, “All good things come from Italy.”

F*cked Up Fairy Tales

F*CKED UP FAIRY TALES is a compilation project for bloggers who wish to take up the challenge of writing their own spin on a classic fairy tale. Bloggers are invited to choose one of the tales below and leave their choice in the comments. Only one tale per blogger, please. I will update the list as soon as the choices roll in. Tales are assigned on a first come, first choose basis.

Each tale is to be no more than 5000 words in length, and can be as funny, sick, twisted, erotic or vanilla as you wish. Once your tale is finished feel free to email it back to me where I will run it in a feature post as well add it to the page above. When all the tales are complete, I will work with a publishing company who is volunteering to publish the compilation of works in both ebook and paperback formats. All proceeds from the compiled works will be donated to a participating charity, with sales records made available to contributors annually.


Happy Blogiversary To Me!



So yeah, I wrote a book.

I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?

“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”


On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:



Gosh A Damn…

Against my better judgement, I had a conversation with my mother about my bright idea to help her start her own blog. That may sound like a good idea, until you discover that this all happened long distance over the phone. Since misery loves company, I had the presence of mind to put her on speaker phone and record it all for you to hear.

Sadly, WordPress does not allow me to upload wave files, so you all will be deprived of nearly ninety minutes of my aural torture. Below is a video that recreates the experience as closely as I’ve been able to find.

Prince Charming Has Left The Building

These past few weeks have seen many milestones at my house, but none more so than my oldest son, Prince Charming, turning eighteen and graduating high school.

From the day he was born he’s been a non-stop ball of energy who gave his father and I, both full of energy ourselves, a run for our money.

First there was elementary school where he was expelled from Kindergarten for setting off the fire alarm and causing the Fire Department to respond not once, not twice, but three times in one week. Somebody wanted to take a ride on the engine.

The next eight years were a blur of parent-teacher meetings and organized after school activities, all designed to burn off his excess energy. You can imagine how ecstatic his father and I were when he managed to graduate from the eighth grade and went on to play high school football.

High school brought new concerns in the form of girls. “Prince Charming” isn’t a name I came up with– it was bestowed upon him by his female classmates who responded to his reputation for being gentlemanly. You better believe I take full credit for teaching him that.

And while Prince Charming was a great kid he struggled academically and worked for every grade he got. Everyday his father and I worked right along side him to get him where he needed to go. When he took that walk up to the podium to accept his diploma, there wasn’t a dry eye in our family. My son has come a long way from the first time we held him to letting him go today.

To the right is the first picture I ever took of my son Michael (he’s a man now so I guess I can say his name). The picture is of him with his father at three days old (Yeah, I’m onto you, HR. Don’t think I didn’t notice you wearing my Doctor Feelgood concert tee shirt. I knew you had it!)

It’s kind of frightening to think that my son is older today than HR was in this picture. Both HR and I take pride in raising a kid who made better choices than we did. We can only hope to say the same thing about Junior someday. Yeah, I’m not holding my breath.


The Hellis 100 (81-90)

After taking a brief hiatus to participate in the real world (blah) I have returned to post the next installment of THE HELLIS 100 series.

One of the ideas I’ve tossed around lately is taking up the challenge of writing a screenplay. But what to write about? A movie about life in New England? A story about growing up with my Italian mother? Who knew it would be a trip to my Site Stats page and a view of my top commentors that would inspire my latest, greatest idea. I give you…



It goes without saying that since I don’t know anyone personally, my “dreamcast” will be comprised of actors who I believe best reflect the bloggers’ particular personality traits and not necessarily what they look like. Now let’s start the list with:

10. BESTBATHROOMBOOKS to be played by Hugh Jackman

Who better to play Les the Great than Hugh Jackman? Both are smart, witty and so very likable. The only question is, does Les dance?


9. KAYJAI to be played by Cameron Diaz

Specifically, BAD TEACHER Cameron. Who better to do both Kayjai and the word “Fuck” justice?


8. TRASK AVENUE to be played by Kenneth Branagh

Kenneth Branagh has the talent and ability to go from a man of great intellect to a dastardly villain in very few words. Like John, I’d pay money to watch Branagh fold towels or write a clever blog.


7. GINGERSNAAP to be played by Sandra Bullock

Quirky, fun and self-deprecating, Sandra Bullock is the perfect fit for everyone’s favorite bloggirl next door.


6. SANDYLIKEABEACH to be played by Charo

Not only is Charo a feisty Latin Superstar, but she’s the best choice to play someone who’s bright, bubbly and sexier than twice the women half her age.


5. EL GUAPO to be played by Mark Ruffalo

The consummate Everyman, both Mark and El Guapo are proof that Nice Guys really do get the girl.


4. SPARKLEBUMPS to be played by Marilyn Monroe

Was there ever any doubt that the world’s most famous sex kitten would play our girl Sparkles? Men everywhere know why.


3. VERYNORMAL to be played by Emma Stone

No one pulls off both Badass Chick and Sweetie Pie better than Emma. Sounds like a British somebody else I know.


2. HR NIGHTMARE to be played by Joe Manganiello

Obviously I know what HR looks like, so when I thought about who should play him in my movie I couldn’t pass up True Blood’s own Alcide (don’t believe what he says about the muscles, ladies. It’s the hair and beard that does it). Like Alcide, HR sports a perpetually pissed off look on his face, not to mention that after a lifetime of being harassed about his Transylvanian roots he absolutely despises Vampires. That means the number one top Hellis commentor is….

EDWARD HOTSPUR to be played by Ruki

Followers of Edward Hotpsur’s blog know of his love of visual kei music and specifically of the band, The GazettE. What you may not know is how similar the lead singer Ruki is to our own EH. Both are creative, enigmatic, genuine and self-aware. Both have amassed quite a following despite never trying to be mainstream and have elevated what they do to an artform. And from what I hear they both have Discharge.


So there it is, people; HELLIS IN BLOGGERLAND. Coming soon to a blog near you!